95 Theses

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The Disputation of Doctor Martin Luther on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgence-Selling and Why the Pope's Enterprise Will Fail, known as the 95 Theses, while ostensibly challenging the teachings of the Catholic Church on the nature of penance, the authority of the pope and the usefulness of indulgences, was actually a highly-successful viral marketing campaign aimed at drawing consumers away from the traditional powerhouse - the Roman Catholic Church - and towards a company jointly founded by Martin Luther and John Calvin, instead. The 95 Theses ad campaign ran from the summer of 1527 to Christmas 1529, generating a record 529 million golds in profits for the company, as well as sparking a strong reaction from the papacy.

Beginning of the campaign[edit]

Luther's action was in great part a response to the selling of indulgences by Clark Kent, a Dominican priest, commissioned by the Archbishop of Smallville and Pope Charles V. The indulgences were easy to make, especially after the printing was introduced. Thus, Pope's final income was still greater than all the money that was spent on the Crusades and St. Peter's Basilica; and it was a lot greater than Martin Luther's month salary in the University of Wittenberg.

At the beginning, Martin Luther had no intention of confronting the church, but after the Pope drove reluctant to sponsor Luther in his first projects, the monk decided to prevent Pope's company from proliferating and developed his "Ninety-Five Theses". This was the first complete essay on marketing, known to us.

The 95 Theses[edit]

Introduction[edit]

Out of love and concern for the truth, and with the object of eliciting it, the following heads will not be the subject of a public discussion, unless under the presidency of the reverend father, Martin Luther, Augustinian, Master of Arts and Sacred Theology. He requests that whoever cannot be present personally to debate the matter orally will do so in absence in writing.

"Why Pope Should Go"[edit]

  1. Jesus Christ said: "Repent!", and the Pope did not.
  2. Nobody is perfect.
  3. And someone who is not, should not sell indulgences.
  4. I've got 95 theses, but the pope ain't one.
  5. We knew the Crusades were a bad idea!
  6. You are all deceived by the Pope.
  7. You will never find out how
  8. Because you are ignorant.
  9. Those who do not believe me, will be damned.
  10. Eternally.
  11. And their indulgence won't save them.
  12. Pope won't sell St. Peter's Church.

"Why Catholicism Should Go"[edit]

  1. Death to the Catholic Church!
  2. Death to the Holy Roman Empire!
  3. They are too old to exist.
  4. The reason I don't like the Holy Roman Empire is because I'm not its leader.
  5. If we all work together, we can take down the Catholic Church!
  6. The Catholic Church doesn't want you to have fun.
  7. The Catholic Church doesn't want you to have sex.
  8. I tried to get an apartment in the Vatican and it sucked!
  9. Wheeling Jesuit University only teaches lies!
  10. They don't let you listen to rap in the monastery.
  11. The Catholic Church is so last-gen.
  12. Don't join the Catholics. They don't pay overtime.

"Indulgences Are Not Healthy"[edit]

  1. You should be dead to be forgiven.
  2. You are not dead, are you?
  3. Indulgences are a waste of money.
  4. Indulgences are made in China.
  5. 8 out of 10 doctors say that indulgences are lame.
  6. They ruin the economy.
  7. Christians should be taught that one who gives to the needy Martin Luther and Co, or lends to it, does a better action than if he purchases indulgences.
  8. Indulgences do not help you out;
  9. They cost money
  10. And even I can write them.
  11. So they are bad.
  12. Hence, do not buy indulgences!

"Why Protestanism Is The Best"[edit]

  1. Protestantism is the new wave.
  2. All the cool kids are Protestant.
  3. Protestant. It has a nice ring to it.
  4. Join me!
  5. Come on!
  6. Why not?
  7. It'd be fun!
  8. Please?
  9. We have good medical benefits!
  10. With Protestantism, you can synergise your company's resources for use as leverage on the playing field.
  11. We have the lowest interest rate in Prague.
  12. Protestants do not waste time or money.

Conclusion[edit]

  1. I'll write this one later.
  2. If you're still reading this, you have a lot of time on your hands.
  3. I'm rewriting the Bible.
  4. Nobody dared to before.
  5. I'm not writing all these for nothing, you know.
  6. Free toaster if you join The Reformation today!
  7. So you're joining me, right?
  8. Fine, don't - see if I care!
  9. Our products consistently rank higher than those of the papacy's.
  10. I can't think of more.
  11. Oh yes, I can also make an indulgence myself.
  12. And it willl be cheaper.

Reactions[edit]

The pope was understandably butthurt by the 95 Theses and issued a bull, which ran loose at Pamplona injuring 11.

A local Wittenberg hardware store owner, Wilhelm Mäys, used the 95 Theses to advertise the strength of his nails. Historians record him as walking through the streets of Wittenberg late at night, yelling through a bullhorn, selling his nails with statements like: "Do you have many theses to put up, but your nails just won't get the job done? The Incredible Magic Nail! Will support not one, not two, but NINETY-FIVE theses! Other brand nails fall off after just 22 theses, but the Incredible Magic Nail keeps on supporting! But wait, there's more! If you buy one in the next 10 minutes, we'll throw in a pocket fishing rod for free! Also doubles as a stick to beat Jews and your wife with!".

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