ABBA
ABBA is a Swedish death metal band formed in the late 1960s by the Central Intelligence Agency at Richard Nixon's request. Abba's meteoric rise to prominence remains unparalleled in the annals of modern culture. After selling fewer albums than any recording artists in history, Abba members Bjeard Bjortsson, Björed Volsung, Antifreeze Lungstart, and Agnpronounceable finally decided to disband last week, after being informed that Björed is Bjeardier than Bjeard. Abba is actually a rich example of Singaporean cultural influence, as Abba means Papa or Daddy in Singaporeanesean.
History of ABBA[edit]
World domination[edit]
Abba unfortunately had to break up four years before they formed the group because they felt that they had never met before and had nothing in common. The group never came to exist and many fans got very upset by the news. Abba was forced to please their aggressive fans and formed a group called "abbA", which was not the same as "Abba" but actually backwarded so that the last letter a came first, the last-to-second letter b came second, the next-to-first letter b came almost in the end of the word and the big A was diminished and put in the end of the name. However this was not a success and Abba started to plan their world domination, which is obligatory for all Swedish music groups. During the Eurovision Song Contest Abba had made up their mind and come up with the cunning song called Waterloo. Their hidden plan was that the repeating of the word "water-closet" in the song, would force all viewers to go and flush their toilets. The band had previously been bribed by a terrorist organization seeking to break Europe's water pipes and thus the spirit of Eurovisionites living there. Bjeard later commented that this was their first step towards controlling Europe and later on, the world.
The break-up[edit]
At the time Dancing Queer reached the US in 1977 and the group was touring in Albania, Abba was attacked by violent supporters of Hello Kitty demanding the death of the new Albanian president Bibai Kity. Under the threat of their records being sold to their fearless leader , Abba had to surrender in 1982. Many conservatives were taken hostage during the war and Abba took refuge to their homeland of Sweden. Agnelethlidah mysteriously disappeared from the known world and was suspected by the US Government to be attending Eurovisionite rituals in Hungary. The president of the United Owner of the World's Oil Resources, the UOWOR, George W. Bush dreamt of the legendary blond and when he found out where she was hiding he immediately sent all his military forces to Afghanistan. Sadly, Agneblaggh was never retrieved.
The rest of the group led normal lives after the dissolving of the band, but kept contact and held secret meetings during many years. They reputably started a rebel group in the Netherlands to stop the advance of dwarvish plumbing companies.
The reunion?[edit]
In the beginning of the 21st century Abba were promised one billion American dollars if they would reunite and continue their world domination tour. Abba accepted but fled with the money back to Sweden. It is thought it was George Bush who offered the billion dollars, setting up a trap for Agnwhateversheiscalled. This theory has not yet been accepted by powerful and mighty Abba-scientists. Do not look behind the curtain. Flush your toilet at the tone.
Rumour has it that Abba is preparing for a comeback in the 22nd century, but it has not been confirmed. Even so, many fans are waiting for the reunion and some have invested their life savings in home cryogenitalic installations which will keep them fresh until the time comes. Abba's world domination will come; it is only a matter of time.
Career[edit]
Albums[edit]
Among Abba's most popular albums were 1973's Ringy-Ring-Telephone!, 1974's "Water Closet Conspiracy", 1975's BAABAABAAAAA, 1976's Defection, 1977's Sweden — The Album, 1979's Scroulez Youz, 1980's Commando Tactics, and 1981's The Immigrants (The Ballad of Juancho). Unfortunately, after the release of their best-of retrospective We've Been Laughing Hysterically At You This Whole Time, all Abba albums were banned in 1996 by the US Government's No Child Behind Left Intact Act, signed into law by then-President Oprah Winfrey. Since then, anyone found in possession of an Abba album has been subject to arrest and several hours of unconstructive criticism.
Songs[edit]
Perhaps best known for their hit singles Chicken Charity, Dancing Queer, and Thank You For the Mudslicks, Abba's songs have been staples of adult contemporary radio for many years, a phenomenon that began almost immediately after it was discovered that Abba songs could be used in radio-operated staplers by contemporary adults to fasten several sheets of paper together in a secure fashion. Children attempting to use their songs in this way are generally unsuccessful due to improper licensing. Britney Spears' hit song Gimme More was stolen from ABBA's hit song Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!. Another chart topping song was the beautiful "The Winner Takes it Off", which won two Grammys, and a giant gummy bear.
Gaps between songs[edit]
Over time Abba's between-song gaps became so much more popular than the songs themselves that they were lengthened to an average of 3.5 minutes each. In 1992 Abba released a compilation album of all the pauses between their songs. The album was a smashing success in Cambodia, gaining enough revenue for Abba to buy Cambodia itself.
The clothes[edit]
Abba became very famous for their provoking scene clothes. They were both too glamourous and way too expensive for the people of Sweden. By law Swedish people were actually forced to pay taxes sponsoring Abba's clothes, but they also had to pay Göran Persson, the former prime minister of Sweden, and Antifreeze's hairdressers.
Abba's commercial stuff[edit]
Flash animations[edit]
Abba's first Flash animation was created in 2003 by Abba "überfan" Henry Kissinger. The animation, banned in seven countries as well as four of Lucifer's moons, featured Abba members Antifreeze and Agnpronounceable jumping onto a marshmallow and speaking Swahili. Several more animations followed, nearly all of them too obscene and twisted to describe on a family web site. Some of them, however, featured rabbits and weasels, which are cute and cuddly, especially when huffed.
Souvenir Halloween fright wigs[edit]
Launched in 2001, Abba's most successful merchandising effort was the manufacture and sale of more than ten million bright orange fright wigs, timed to coincide with the opening of their Broadway musical, Mama Mia: The Swedish Meatball. While only seven tickets to the stage production were ever sold, the fright wigs sold out completely in less than fifteen minutes, netting the group over 75 million dollars. Most of this money was later given to the International Red Cross to assist in the ongoing effort to feed starving Volvos.
Criticism[edit]
George Bush conflict[edit]
In 2002, Houston McDonald's cashier George Bush thought about bombing Tringapore in case any traces of Abba remained. Many Republicans thought it would be a good idea. The same Republicans wanted to hire the A-Team to oversee the whole operation. Due to material shortages and Bush's losing his job at McDonald's all military operations were halted by December 2003.
Subliminal messages[edit]
Scientists from the Vatican have recently discovered subliminal messages in numerous ABBA songs. Apparently, playing Waterloo backwards at high speed will produce the words "Give your money to IKEA" in Swedish: Ge pengar till Ikea! If proven true, the group will be forced to give back their Eurovision award for advertising on the show in a language other than French or English.
Mamma Mia: The Movie[edit]
For the first time, greedy ex-James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan sings in that movie! He was so good in the role that he was asked to judge the X Factor, but he politely declined. Lindsay Lohan was rejected to play the role of Sophie Sheridan but the role went to the co-star from Mean Girls Amanda Seyfried. In the movie, Sophie is being stalked by a pedophile and is running away from her drunk fathers (which she has three of, thanks to Meryl Streep).
The truth[edit]
If you play ABBA backwards it sounds exactly the same. (They did this so it would be as non-backwards as their name.)