Ben Elton
Vladimir Zhukanov, Order of Stalin (born 3 May 1959), better known by his stage name Ben Elton is a former KGB agent and supposed comedian who, on a special assignment from the Kremlin, was sent to the UK in the 1980s in an attempt to stir the British public into a revolution via the means of comedy. The failure of this plot led to his eventual defection to the United Kingdom and taking up of comedy full-time, which was described as a far greater danger to the nation than his subversion.
KGB Career[edit]
Born in the city of Omsk, Zhukanov enjoyed a relatively luxurious lifestyle as the son of a Communist Party leader. However, due to pressure from his father, he was recruited by the KGB in 1978, at the age of 19. He quickly became one of the organisation's most effective operatives, completing several highly dangerous missions such as delivering newspapers to various CPSU officials, until he was called into the Kremlin to be assigned perhaps his most dangerous mission yet: to make soup for Yuri Andropov, leader of the Soviet Union.
After the success of this mission for which he was rewarded with the Order of Stalin, Zhukanov was selected to be involved in the USSR's next major attempt to end the Cold War, by toppling the Thatcher regime in the United Kingdom. Zhukanov parachuted into the UK in May 1983, under the identity of "Ben Elton", and set about inciting revolution.
His first move was to join the socialist, anti-Thatcher movement in alternative comedy circles, where he quickly built up a reputation as an unfunny twat despised by both his comedian peers and the general public. Nontheless, he persisted with this mission under orders from the Kremlin.
Defection[edit]
In 1987, after realising the failure of his attempt to provoke a communist revolution in the UK, Zhukanov revealed his real identity and announced his intention to defect to the United Kingdom. The reason for this, he stated, was that he was "bored of working for the Soviets" and wished to take up comedy as a career, much to the dismay of the nation. Also, despite his constant railing against Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, he declared that she was "much sexier" than Mikhail Gorbachev and that he would "shag her senseless".
After his defection, Zhukanov quickly attempted to prove that he was staunchly pro-capitalism and in fact loved the West. Amongst these moves was his collaboration with Conservative Party member and wobbly-faced bellend Andrew Lloyd-Webber, the musical The Beautiful Lame, about a limp donkey searching for love in Belfast. The musical flopped and quickly garnered negative attention from the media, inspiring Daily Mail correspondent James Whitaker to announce "I knew he was filthy Commie, but a sell-out too?". Socialist comedian Mark Steel also reacted hostilely, remarking on Room 101 that if he met him in the street "I'd rip the dirty traitor apart".
Assassination attempts[edit]
In his defection Zhukanov has also attracted negative attention far greater than that of scathing remarks from fat right-wingers and inconsequential threats from has-been Commie sympathisers. Russian President Vladimir Putin openly denounced Ben Elton in 2001, mentioning that there is no mercy for "traitors to the Motherland".
Since Putin's announcement in 2001, Zhukanov has claimed there has been no less than 13 attempts against his life, including getting stabbed, shot at, pushed into a canal and being almost "shagged to death" by a Russian prostitute under the employ of the SVR. Sadly, the Russian security services haven't succeeded in eliminating him, leaving this wretched plague upon comedy still alive to inflict his nausea-inducing "humour" upon the nation.