McDonald's: Over 37,238 billion served.
McDonald's is a chain of restaurants that serves "fusty food".[1] Their menu includes hamburgers, french fries (Put mayo on mine, please!), chicken, milkshakes, and other marvelous synthetic products of dubious ingredients. Recently, after protests by enviro-anarchists, McDonald's has added "healthy food" such as salads and fruits. Extensive testing and reformulation successfully made them as greasy and bad for the body as the rest of the menu.
McDonald's has locations all over the world, regionally varying its menu to meet local needs, and is coming soon to the rest of the universe where they will serve homeless people to hyper-evolved alien bovines. There is no place without a McDonald's there, or at least nearby;[2] they have become as common as air pollution and the girl next door. The chain's strategy is to achieve a single monopoly where people have no choice but to eat every meal there. Corporate training consists of re-running the movie WALL-E.[3]
History
McDonald's was founded in 1940 by the McBros., Dick and Mac McDonald, in San Bernardino, California, in a rustic place on the old Route 66.[4] There they served barbecued food with a bit more putrefaction than the current menu. Through this new restaurant, the brothers aimed to provide semi-quality food and semi-quality service at prices so low that people failed to realize just how "meh" the stuff they were eating was. When sales began to stagnate, the McBros. added hamburgers to the menu, containing additives to make them physically addictive. Complaints by advocates that they turned patrons into "zombies" led to the successful McZombie campaign.
A man named Ray "Richie" Kroc offered to join the brothers' business, but like any good backstabbing executive, he wound up buying them out.[5] He took the chain international and founded the headquarters, called McDonald's Park, at Oak Brook, Illinois. Tourists drive for hundreds of miles to see its parties with thousands of fat people, which is unsurprising, as the chain pays its employees with its products.[6]
Nowadays, eating fast food is an integral part of the McDonald's experience, as well as many Americans' lives.
Products
“Do you want some spit... I mean, fries with that?”
The McDonald's menu revolves around the hamburger,[7] and its business plan revolves around replacing chemically-modified beef with the more abundant and inexpensive rat meat.
They also sell le French fries, Chicken McNuggets, and even glue (the signature McCheese product). All their products are known for excellent quality control; currently there have been three whole days without a safety incident resulting in the inadvertent serving of McFingers, though inspectors are in the next room with a big bag of Quarter Pounders. In appropriate nations, McDonald's serves alcohol, the alternative there being serving empty spaces.
The Happy Meal is an evil box (like Pandora's) with a plastic toy, and one of the big reasons that kids ask to go to McDonald's. Parents who are too distracted to ensure that the children play with the toy and eat the food rely on the fact that the nutritional value is identical. Contrary to the advertising, the Happy Meal is not guaranteed to make anyone happy, notably emos (even after adding ketchup) and manic/depressives. Unfortunately, though the U.S. requires McDonald's to list calories and nutritional attributes on the menu, it does not mandate any measure of happiness.
Other businesses
The company also owns other chains, including McCafe (a cheap imitation of StarBucks) oriented more toward work-slaves than trust-fund swells.[8]
The McDonald's Drive Thru gives the world's laziest people a way to order greasy food without leaving the car, as many Drive Thru patrons are no longer able to get out of their car at all. The trend for laws to force cellphones to be "hands free" leaves both hands available to grip the Big Mac. Any basket of McNuggets and beverage have to be secured by the toes, but that still leaves the knees to drive the car.[9] On the drawing board is another drive-thru window in each restaurant to let patrons also eliminate greasy food without leaving the car.[10]
McDonald Douglas
In the 1960s, McDonald's acquired jumbo-jet manufacturer Douglas to apply the McPrinciples it had learned to this new industry.[11] The first consequence was the DC-10, as fully cost-reduced, mass-produced, and harmful to health as are the restaurants on which it was modeled. In fact, there is a small McDonald's restaurant on every plane. Hamburgers — assembled hours before anyone orders them — are kept fresh at 400 degrees Fahrenheit just in case someone "bites." The DC-10 makes its premium aviation fuel do double-duty in giving a smoked taste to the food.
Pilots of these planes can enjoy a delicious McMeal while flying and — just like drivers squealing out of the exit of a McDonald's Drive Thru — control their vehicle with their little fingers, or with other appendages.
Best of all, after lunch, the DC-10, just like a Drive Thru patron, "pops several buttons" — in the case of the aircraft, the rivets that formerly secured the cargo hold. Without the cargo door, the normally airworthy DC-10 begins to resemble the small roller-coasters found in Kiddie McPlay Areas in the restaurants.
Life cycle
No one has ever seen a McDonald's under construction. Any video of trees and ground cover being swept aside to make way for yet another McDonald's would unfortunately be misused by anti-development activists. Still, a new McDonald's is erected faster than your ex (We can safely assume the reader is now unattached) and with as little careful thought as a Hall & Oates lyric.
First, a seed in the shape of the Golden Arches® is planted in the ground.[12] The seed is watered, ideally using a McWateringCan. The building begins to grow and finally, blossoms with managers, McSwabs, and consumers.[13] Though birth is lightning-fast, death is unheard-of. Even in showdowns with a Burger King or even Taco Bell across the street, both combatants, like Alien vs. Predator, survive and lurch toward countless sequels.
Employees
“The closest thing to home.”
At a key point during the germination of a new McDonald's, employees sprout up and start swabbing the floors and inserting Potato-Like Mix into the large machines so that Imitation Cheese Food can be melted on top. The employees are cybernetic androids made with human DNA, double-coded for both surliness and cluelessness.[14]
McDonald's manages to hold down employee wages not only by using robots but by paying them not with money but with the product itself.
The company's payment practices have been controversial for decades. It began in 1988, when Presidential candidate Michael Dukakis turned up his nose at these jobs (or perhaps he was turning up his nose at the rich aroma of a McThrombosis with Double Cheese), calling them "mere burger-flipping jobs." Ever since then, politicians, when they are not mandating that wages double but the price of meals stay the same, proudly create "good-paying jobs." A typical good-paying job is applying continual changes to a government rulebook about how burgers must be flipped, for the benefit of the people actually doing the work. Currently, the world's governments employ 19 Specifiers for each actual burger-flipper.
Advertising
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Like a large insurance company with a telephone bank and a junk-mail campaign, advertising for McDonald's largely depends on mascot characters. These characters endear themselves to the children and (as in the insurance-company example) have nothing to say about whether the actual product is any good.
Unfortunately, McDonald's is a few steps behind its competitors. Where Taco Bell has a talking Chihuahua dog who says, "Drop the chalupa!" or "Yo quiero Taco Bell," the McDonald's pitch-man is a talking clown. That is simply not realistic. People can believe a dog talks, but certainly not a clown.
Ronald McDonald
Ronald McDonald is the namesake of the enterprise, the Chief Technology Officer, and the favorite clown of all kids everywhere. Yay! But if this fine encyclopedia could cast a few raindrops on the parade: Why is he such a jerk?
We all know the red-and-yellow clown is more of a lock on becoming the American President than even Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush — No, make that the Secretary General of the United Nations, if not the entire universe. But, for Chrissakes, his function is to brainwash young children, to get them to break the springs of the back seat of the car shouting to be taken to McDonald's, when you are trying to get them home for an uplifting meal of broccoli on boiled rice. What is so "fun" about that clown?
Sidekicks
Like so many movie stars and politicians, the success of Ronald McDonald contained the very seeds of his own downfall — seeds that were not in the shape of Golden Arches and grew nothing when planted.[15]
Thanks to the incentives in his contract with the restaurant chain, Ronald was soon able to afford a mansion in Malibu with electric fence and a large security staff. He called this bachelor pad "McDonaldland." Better protected than Michael Jackson in "Neverland" but equally devoted to impressionable youngsters — and to sudden, inexplicable changes in the color of his own skin — Ronald began to attract unsavory associates. This started small, with a small associate inside a bird suit. Then a certain "Hamburglar" started hanging around, always present when those wild parties began and usually staying after everyone else left.
Before long, Gomez McCheese, the mayor of Malibu and heretofore thought of as totally uncorruptible, also began spending all his off-hours at the mansion, often frolicking in the pool until he was more shriveled-up than a Filet O'Fish left in the fat by a first-year intern. All hope for honest government was abandoned.
Ronald and his entourage often made visits to hospitals to cheer up chronic-care patients. Tellingly, the parents of these patients were shunted next door in one of a series of "Ronald McDonald Houses" while the Ronald gang planted unspeakably perverse ideas in the minds of their offspring.
Mac Tonight was a lounge-singing moon who wore sunglasses even at night because of all the blow after the company was bought by the Mafia and made into a front for international crime; it was the '80s after all. After being dropped by McDonald's, the Mac Tonight trademark was purchased by the alt-right movement in 2015 and rebranded into KKK rapper "Moonman".
Finally, founder Ray Kroc put his foot down, although it did not quite reach down from Heaven to Earth. Each of Ronald's pals was given a healthy cash payment to clear the premises, and a one-way ticket to his choice of any city in the Southern United States. McDonaldland, Neverland, and the Houses were not mentioned again — There is a cover story concerning a grease fire in the kitchen — and Ronald was again "working solo," with no mention of burglary nor payoffs to government officials.
The scariest years of the McDonaldland era became a Stephen King novel, then a movie in which the character of Ronald at his most Satanic is portrayed by none other than Jack Nicholson.
Happy
“I'm a happy meal that could go to space... because I'm happy”
It was months after McDonaldland was fumigated and forensic crews were sent in before the full extent of Ronald's sorcery became clear: He had given free will to the Happy Meal. In this diabolical plan, it would not be necessary to lure children to McDonald's to order Happy Meals, when the cardboard box could do its own luring. Like the Sorcerer's Apprentice, the "millions served daily" would become a million new pitch-men.
The only fly in the ointment was that, like a pin-up of Dorian Grey, the Happy Meal now had a permanent scowl on its face. Parents were repelled and would not take the kids to McDonald's no matter how much loud squealing came from the back seat. Even driving across town and dealing with the pain of bellies full of jalapeño peppers, before they finally Dropped the Chalupa, seemed tame by comparison. Sales took a nosedive. Though Happy hung on for a few extra months, this final relic of the McDonaldland era was snuffed out by teams of Public Relations employees. His identification mag-card was confiscated and he was given five minutes to clear out his desk before guards escorted him out of the facility.
Happy now survives only in Latin America, where by all accounts, Ronald McDonald is dead — surely murdered by that same female president who took care of the journalist.
Criticism
Experts have criticized the way in which employees ask you if you want to super-size the combo for more fun with ketchup, salt, today's special, today's special dessert, and a set of four Hobbit glasses. The experts note that these glasses never come with enough straws.
Fast-food critic Morgan Spurlock states that McDonald's doesn't in fact give customers what they want. On a recent visit, he put these problems in plain terms:
| “ | Use REAL beef the same size as the BUN! Oh, and please don't reheat the 12:30 leftovers and pass it off as fresh. No crusty edges on the McMuffin egg please! Oh, and two and a HALF pieces of cheese. MELTED NOT LIMP. And a slice of tomato! Beefsteak! Extra onions! Oh, and burn the bread! Burn everything! Because I like my E. coli black and ashy, same goes for salmonella. And if it ain't burnt to a crisp, I ain't eatin' it! | ” |
He also says that the employees always forget the pickles. The average patient-as-a-saint customer at this point throws away the burger and screams unto the heavens, "I WANT MY McPICKLES, BITCH!!!" This continues until the high school drop-out at the grill understands the college drop-outs at the cash registers are telling him to make another burger.
From the customer's perspective
Customers often order at the Drive-Thru. A typical customer is behind a minivan full of fat people who arbitrarily order three of everything on the menu. Two hours later, Daddy Fat finally manages to push the gas pedal and moves away from the speaker. Now finally at the order window, the customer hears: "THNKYFRCHSNMCDNLDSTKYRORDER"; the tinny speakers are compensated for by over-volume startling those in the backseat so that they hit their heads on the roof. The patrons regain their composure after a minute and decide that the employee probably said, "Thank you for choosing McDonald's. May I take your order, please?" However, just as they respond, they hear, "GIMMEONESEC." Then nothing, for much more than one sec.
"THNKSOMUCHAGAINFURCHOUSINGUS," the employee blares at them, quickly followed by "MAYIEHAEFEYURORDRE" before the first sentence can be fully deciphered. The patrons order a #1 with Extra Big Mac Sauce; they hear guffaws through the cheap speakers, though they could not have known that the fry cook is named Big Mac. The customer is told to pull up to the seventy-second window; the first window is always closed, and hence the customer actually has to pull up to the second window. Note that there are three windows, just like on that television game show, which explains why the order-taker is often confused.
The customer receives the order and asks for ketchup. They receive one ketchup. They ask for some more ketchup, and following a glare, receive one more ketchup. They say they want even more ketchup, and the manager is called. "Suh, ah cayan onleh geev you too mahr keeshups," the manager informs them, and the customer agrees that two more is all they need. Such pleasant experiences ensure that the customer returns the next day, and the cycle repeats until the customer dies of morbid obesity.
Main competitors
Burger King
“You could barely be a jester in my court!”
Burger King is a competitor of McDonald's, although it targets royalty, the nobility, and the blue-blooded; while McDonald's services craftsmen, clerics, and whatever class comprises those paying with Electronic Benefit Transfer cards. Burger King once proposed a collaboration with the plebeian McDonald's but got nothing but a thumbed nose in response.
Kentucky Fried Chicken
“I, Colonel Saunders, approved this message.”
The social class that KFC targets is slave-owners in the Southern United States who were never notified that the Civil War ended. Also, everyone in China.
Another Castle
“Mama mia! For sure they use Goomba meat”
Another Castle was a past spin-off of the McDonald's family, with locations throughout the Mushroom Kingdom. Its innovation was the Slider, a hamburger long before it became a control on a sound mixer panel. The Slider could go down the hatch without time-consuming chewing because it was no larger than a pound coin. McDonald's tried to imitate this quality by sheer greasiness, but its products were larger and tended to get stuck in the throat. Bowser, the King of the Koopas, dined at Another Castle daily and became too listless and chubby to service the Princess, thereby ensuring the future of his royal house as poorly as Henry VIII.
Taco Bell
“Drop the chalupa!”
Taco Bell is sometimes dismissed as a competitor of McDonald's, as the latter has hamburgers, which the former does not; while the former has about twenty combinations of beans and tortillas, while it is not clear what is in the latter's products. However, if you are hungry, and you go to either place, you cease to be hungry without visiting the other place. Animal rights advocates do not go to Taco Bell, because they consider the CGI transformations required to make their chihuahua mascot anthropomorphic (and Mexican) to be animal abuse that would make Michael Vick seem like a Boy Scout.
Krusty Krab
“It would be a damned shame if something was to happen to ya.”
Krusty Krab is likewise dismissed as a competitor of McDonald's, as the latter exists, while the former does not, except in television cartoons and cheesy merchandise. In fact, the two are comparable. While McDonald's dabbles in Hamburgling and bribery of politicians, Krusty Krab overtly threatens that its own customers will "feed the fishes," when it ought to be vice versa.
McLinks
References
- ↑ An advertising campaign and plenty of bribery has re-cast this as "fast food."
- ↑ Many fat people in America, Fatpeople dot com. Retrieved 2013-12-19.
- ↑ The characters in that movie — who by coincidence have also become morbidly fat — at least had the foresight to build an escape ship, but McDonald's will never overestimate the intelligence of its patrons.
- ↑ Like the Pixar movie.
- ↑ This took him 19 wallets.
- ↑ Source: Dick J. Smith, former employee of McDonald's Canada who never visited the US.
- ↑ Oh! I luv hamburgers!!!
- ↑ The original concept was named McStarbucks, but a single letter from the lawyers got them to change it. They also rejected the name McHipster.
- ↑ As for operating "the stick," this is a rare endowment.
- ↑ Source: Dick J. Smith, former employee of McDonald's Canada who never visited the US.
- ↑ Douglas debated this transaction with Lincoln but famously lost the debate.
- ↑ They say the original seed was delivered by a man in exchange for a cow. He was told they were "magic seeds."
- ↑ Source: Dick J. Smith, former employee of McDonald's Canada who never travel to USA.
- ↑ Source: Dick J. Smith, former non-robot employee (we think so) of McDonald's Canada who never travel to USA.
- ↑ They were not toasted sesame seeds either. That would be the other joint.
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