Blade Runner (2012 Director's Cut)
Bladerunner, the Director's Cut, is a 6 hour totally re-envisioned version of the Cyberfunk film Bladerunner, now directed by Patrick Stewart. It took ages to engage, which is why the production costs were well in excess. Production nearly ended when Patrick Stewart decided to pursue his other project "Sonic XXXsteamXXX," however, after cumming out of rehab, he resumed work on the film at warp speed 9.
Plot[edit]
Plot: In the world of Bladerunner, bladerunners are ice skaters who participate in a deadly ice skating sport, where contestants clutch playing cards in their hands while avoiding obstacles that are, simply put, quite sharp and painful. Opponents can punish eachother with winning decks. It is said that a winning hand includes special defence against obstacles and attacks, and also allows the player to throw blades at opponents. So really, a very dangerous sport. However, special guest star players and sponsors can rig the game as a result of bribes, meaning that any number of new tittytraps are possible.
Deckard, a prominent pokemon player, has been selected for the game, and the protagonist, Ridley Scott, is a Scotts man who believes that Metroid is better than Pokemon. Another of his favourite games is Kasumi Pingas. They both work on tittyrraps of their own, and Ridley claims his are 64 bit, when in reality he only deals in 32 bit. His best possible combination in the game is Chariztard and The flaming dick fireball from Kasumi Pingas.
Ridley Scott also tries to cheat the game by stealing eye balls from a Chinese man who serves up frozen eye balls in a new takeaway restaurant that quite frankly isn't attracting good business. He hopes it will give him better eyesight for the game.
Meanwhile, Atari, a bust company, plasters its name on the great skyscrapers/corporate buildings. It's that damn homebrew scene again who won't admit that the jaguar is a toilet. They plan on infiltrating the Bladerunner game and begging that Atari gain more life, to gain funds on developing Black Lice White Boyz, which is a Megadeth inspired game and is anti-gay/ anti-Judas Priest. Currently, sales of PieHammer are dwindling. Why? Why in this cyperfunked ice rink city is Atari failing with PieHammer and promises of a Megadeth inspired game?
In the next scene, Deckard spots Atari infiltrating the game, and he and Ridley team up to stop foul play by request of the audience and because Ridley thinks it might make him lose the game. Atari is in trouble because they've not developed card games for the jaguar, and the nearest puzzle game they can think of is Flip out! What they've learned is that they can toss off opponents into the air and then flush them down a futuristic toilet tittytrap. They had to bribe the big boss to implement it in the game in return for free Atari sponsorship.
These replicants are showing unusual emotional responses[edit]
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An advert starring a mysterious replicant who hides among normal people. (Look at his replicant eyes!) This advert constantly shows on the skyscraper big screens. It's a torn up future, so dark and crazy, look at his torn up shop![edit]
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Spoiler: Black People make bad replicants. Spoiler: White men can't jump. (Deckard only just manages to cling onto the building while being ejaculated on by Sonic).
In the audience, Rick Astley, a replicant, is determined that he is actually Deckard, when Deckard insists his name is Mick, not Rick. Sonic the Hedgehog overhears and Sonic Sez, get a life and a job retards, you are small people, is that what you want? So all come and work for me and come to the off world colony called Mobius.
Tails says Sonic has a big cock, and follows them but can't catch up. The film ends with all the characters realizing they've been wasting time with those stupid games and that they should have stopped to tighten up level three, but that never was to be. Sonic stands atop a skyscraper with blue tears rolling from his eyes. Rick Astley holds Sonic's hands. Sonic Sez: I've seen pingas that you people wouldn't believe. Black Kids, being told off by O'Brien, I've seen gay teams, flashing their stuff at the whorehouse gates. And all these things, never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. If someone tries to touch you in a place that makes you cum, let your iron soldier stick up, Dick Hard. From now on, you are called Dick Ghastly, and YOU, are called DickHard. So the two were happy with that and there was no longer a name dispute. But, Ridley Scott wasn't satisfied with the events that had taken place thus far, and decided that he'd cryogenically freeze himself for 30 years and sit watching the ice rink bladerunner games until he thaws out. He hopes to be a director in the future who can fool everyone into thinking he's a strong hard old man who never stops hard work with film making.
Dickhard competes in the games the following day and wins, earning enough money to buy Atari and develop a Pokemon game with Dick Ghastly, with new monsters: Moronic and Fails, inspired by the characters (based off himself) that Sonic drew for the revered game: Sonic Poo, where something had gone terribly wrong and instead of Sonic being Blue, he was Brown, which is totally weird for a blue hedgehog. Sonic was well pleased with the results of the new monsters.
The film is left as a cliffhanger, with the Scottish Man from Kasumi Pingas planning to unfreeze Ridley Scott.
Reception[edit]
Patrick Stewart's film grossed out many people, so he decided to persue his gay career instead, called: Pingas Panther: gay degeneration.
However, he returned to the Bladerunner franchise with a film titled BladeShire, which is a fictional location based off Yorkshire, which is where he was born!
Bladerunner received the following ratings: Rotten Willy: 1/10, Hedge Magazine: 5/10, Nintendo Monthly: 100/10, Sega-Cum-reviewa: 7/infinity. Gay Weekly: 10/10. Charles Manson Mag: prison worthy!
Rotten Willy was bitter that Penis did not make it into the cast, which the reviewer said is a real shame. On top of that, the film was described as too moody, with too many black people in it. Even references to Irish men telling off Black men is not enough to redeem that lacking quality of the film. Ridley Scott's acting was not well directed and the only saving grace to the film was Rick Astley, who obviously was a good choice instead of Slipknot or Rabies against the machine. The main plot involving Ice Skating is also good, but not enough people get their nuts cracked on the ice. 1/10.
Hedge Magazine criticized Bladerunner for a lack of hedges, or scenes where characters hedge their bets. However, there is plen'y of gambling in the Bladerunner game within the film, and Sonic's cock is a money maker. All in all, get rid of Atari and it's a winner, and replace Sonic with George Hedge, who they personally recommended yet the offer was rejected because Sonic is a cheap immigrant who requires less oxygen consumption, and oxygen is expensive! Hedge magazine much prefer George Hedge to Sonic The Hedgehog, and it was a lame attempt at pleasing everyone to have sonic as one of the stars.
Nintendo Monthly orgasmed over the film because of the Pokemon reference, but thought that the lack of Mario was somewhat of a juxtaposition, the same as 100/10 is a juxtaposition!
Sega-Cum-reviewa criticized the film for not showing Tail's erect penis and for not revealing if Sonic is a replicant or not. The lack of Dr Robotnik is very unusual and in itself knocks a point off the film. Otherwise good film, but they reckon there should be an extra scene on the end showing a car driving along a sunny mobius with a Bitch called Peach in the trunk.
Gay Weekly fapped and fapped and fapped with no comment.
Charles Manson says: Only me, God, thinks of me that this film is my God, and you better hedge your bets that it's gonna work because me I'm a lone star, one of a kind sunny, I've taught Jamaican Princes, and Jesus lied to get the film made. But I aint a teeny Bobber, what's all this Sonic bullshit about? But man I enjoy this shit on parole!
Rejected Cast:
Mario, Pooigi, Willy Smitty Pingas, Craig Charles, Rilliam Transvestite Riker Shakespeare, George Hedge, Trevor Mcfuck, Ron Jeremy (as Mario), Rabies Against The Machine Slipknot, Rodney, Penis.
Science fiction films 