Captain Autofellatio
“He's somewhat different from the rest of us.”
Captain Autofellatio is a noble and powerful superhero. His powers include a slightly longer than usual penis and an unusually flexible spine. Captain Autofellatio uses these powers to keep citizens safe from harm and to give himself oral pleasure. Well, mostly, to give himself oral pleasure.
Along with his compatriots in arms, Captain Obvious, Captain Understatement, and Captain Oblivious, Captain Autofellatio forms one fourth of the powerful superhero team, "The four totally cool superheros." The four had originally called themselves the Fantastic Four, but were sued for copyright infringement, and when it came time to rename their squad, their hearts just weren't in it.
Origin Story[edit]
Captain Autofellatio first appeared in the Marvel comic book, "Spider-Man Meets the Incredible Captain Autofellatio." There, his incredible backstory was revealed.
Autofellatio was once a humble VCR salesman named Billy Stallings. One day, the enterprising young Stallings was bringing a shipment of VCRs to a meth lab, when it exploded, cracking his lower four ribs. Doctors had no choice but to remove these ribs to prevent them from puncturing his spleen, which would have been bad.
When Stallings awoke in his hospital bed, everyone expected him to be a shadow of the man he was before - just a humble VCR salesman with some missing ribs. Much to their shock, the explosion and the surgery had given Stallings' spine a super-flexibility, allowing himself to fold himself almost in half! Even more to their shock, he immediately used this heightened human flexibility to place his penis in his mouth and began earnestly and vigorously going to town on it!!
The police were called, but Stallings managed to jump out of a window. After briefly sucking himself to completion on the soft grass below, Stallings ran naked into the night, knowing that society would never accept a mutant with his powers. It was then that he assumed the secret identity, "Captain Autofellatio," and swore that he would devote his life to fighting crime, whenever he wasn't too busy pleasuring himself with his mouth, which was always.
Despite the title of the comic book, Captain Autofellatio never got around to meeting Spider-Man. He was busy.
Noble crime-fighting exploits[edit]
Several months after the incident at the hospital, Captain Autofellatio decided it was finally time to fight some crime. Donning a spandex suit with the initials AF boldly emblazoned on the chest, Captain Autofellatio listened to the police scanners until he heard word of a bank robbery taking place just around the corner from his house!
Dashing to the bank, the bold Captain Autofellatio rushed into the midst of the tense crime scene, stopping only briefly in the turnstiles of the revolving door to give himself a quick blowjob.
"Evildoers!" bellowed Captain Autofellatio at the armed robbers. "Your wicked crime spree is at an end!"
"Oh, shit, it's Superman!" yelled a gang member holding a submachine gun.
"You wish it were Superman!" retorted Captain Autofellatio. "Superman might not go so hard on you!"
"Oh, shit!" repeated the gang member, who was intimidated by Captain Autofellatio's bold words.
Suddenly, a massive erection came upon Captain Autofellatio, and he realized that taking care of this must be his first priority. Yanking down his spandex pants, he bent at the waist and began vigorously giving himself the Phuket Special.
"What... what the shit are you doing??!" exclaimed the horrified gang member. But Captain Autofellatio did not reply, for his mouth was full.
Eventually, the bank robbers just grabbed a few loot bags with dollar signs printed on them and ran past Captain Autofelatio and out onto the street. But they all required several months of therapy. So, good had triumphed over evil, at least in a minor way.
Induction into the Four Totally Cool Superheroes[edit]
Captain Autofellatio was inducted into the Four Totally Cool Superheroes by Captain Oblivious, who wandered into his bedroom thinking it was a Trader Joe's. Captain Oblivious found him on his bed, bent at the waist, bobbing his head up and down.
"Hello, noble hero!" exclaimed Captain Oblivious.
Captain Autofellatio did not respond.
"Would you like to join our superhero squad?" asked Captain Oblivious.
Captain Autofellatio did not respond.
"Was that a yes?" asked Captain Oblivious.
"Mmmmmmnnnnnnn!" replied Captain Autofellatio.
"Capital!" replied Captain Oblivious. He then opened the window and jumped out, severely twisting his ankle in the process. He later described Captain Autofellatio to the rest of the squad as "A nice guy, but kind of quiet."
Death[edit]
Captain Autofellatio plans to have a noble hero's death at the hands of some arch-villian, as soon as he gets around to it.
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