UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  2. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  3. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  4. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  5. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  6. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  7. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  8. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  9. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  10. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  11. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  12. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  13. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  14. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  15. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  16. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  17. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  18. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  19. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  20. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  21. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  22. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  23. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  24. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  25. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  26. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  27. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  28. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  29. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  30. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  31. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  32. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  33. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  34. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  35. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  36. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  37. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  38. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  39. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  40. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  41. To google a toaster, is to google abrasively
  42. To google a toaster, is to google {{adv})
  43. Leonard Bernstein is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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