Dr. Ho
Appointed Surgeon General of the United States by the Obama administration, the story of Dr. Ho is that of triumph over adversity and the British middle class.
Dr. Ho: The Early Years[edit]
Dr. Ho was born in a jungle village of Vietnam during the countries struggle to overthrow their colonial masters, the United States of America. His life was off to a rocky start when his father, an American soldier named John McCain was captured during his conception. After his birth, his father was determined to be a demon because of his spawn. Teased mercilessly by his peers in the village, Dr. Ho was sent to work in a brothel in Thailand by his mother. This was to be a turning point in his sad life, for it was at the Thai brothel that he met American Pat Robertson who enjoyed their time together so much that he adopted him.
Dr. Ho: Growing up in the Land of Opportunity[edit]
While in the US, Pat Robertson thought it prudent to adopt Dr. Ho in order to hide the true nature of their relationship. Once adopted, Dr. Ho learned how to peddle salvation to the massive membership of the 700 Club. This was a formative time in his life, learning the skills that would make him a great success as doctor, providing healing to the masses through his informercials.
Dr. Ho: Education[edit]
Dr. Ho dreamed of becoming a doctor, but his adopted dad Pat Robertson would not provide any money for his tuition. He wanted Dr. Ho to earn the money himself. It was then that Dr. Ho realized that he could make lots of money by opening a noodle stand in their hometown of Mobile, (named for all of the mobile homes) Alabama. Unfortunately this idea was destined to fail, but Dr. Ho launched a successful lawsuit after getting beaten up by the Klu Klux Klan. He put this $24.99 to good use and was able to purchase his medical degree online.
Love Affair with Richard Simmons[edit]
Dr. Ho was determined to make a success of himself. Against his adopted father's better judgement he left for the sunny shores of San Francisco, California. It was here that he met another young entrepeneur named Richard Simmons while attending an aerobics class.
Though their relationship was ultimately destined to fail, as Simmons really was a Ho, the good doctor was able to get to drop all the weight he had put on gorging on the cookies and donuts at the 700 Club luncheons. His new skinny form inspired his first weight loss product line. It was then that he decided to contact his adopted father who reluctantly agreed to provide the money for his first infomercial on the condition that he received 99% of the proceeds.
It was with this product that Dr. Ho became one of the most trusted and esteemed doctors in the USA. Promising dramatic weight loss by simply taking a pill to a bunch of fat American couch potatos proved to be his golden ticket. It was then that Dr. Ho started dating other famous celeberties like Jenny Craig and Dr. Atkins (who incidentally 'attended' the same medical school) as he did.
Electro Stimulation and the Republican Party[edit]
Dr. Ho had now been able to save enough money to afford to fund his own infomercial, but he needed a new product to peddle. Inspired by his time with his adoptive father Pat Robertson, he remembered that electro-stimulation could be very soothing, and this developed a variety of 'massage products'.
This product was quite successful, because as we all know Americans will buy anything from television as long as the price ends with .99 cents. One of his customer's, Dick Cheney was quick to realize that his product could have other applications. Cheeney needed a way to 'animate' George Bush after going to far in one of their S&M sessions, so he called Dr. Ho. The good doctor made a few modifications to his product with the help of Dr. Frankenstein. The results were remarkable, and George Bush was quickly making articulate speeches to the masses once again with the push of a button by Dick Cheney or Condoleeza Rice.
Once Dick Cheney was able to use the new invention to manipulate his puppet George Bush into once again legalizing torture, Dr. Ho and Halliburton signed a very lucrative contract for the Guantanomo Bay facility.
Consultant for Healthcare Reform & Appointment as Surgeon General[edit]
In a show of bi-partisanship, the Obama administration appointed Dr. Ho to play a leading role in penning their health care reform bill. The President himself was impressed with Dr. Ho's suggestion that television infomercials could play a leading role in funding health care reform in the United States while contributing to improved health care for Americans.
On January 1, 2009 Obama appointed Dr. Ho Surgeon General of the United States. Obama cited his many contributions to the medical field and his experience in breathing life into dusty old republican corpses. Obama wondered, "If Dr. Ho can use elctro-stimulation to breath life into republicans, then maybe he can use this power to get people to vote me in for a second term".
Shortly after Obama took the lead on drafting a bill to comandeer air time from leading network NBC to provide free air time for Dr. Ho's many infomercials, I mean health initiatives, including:
- Electro-stimulation devices for sexual health (population control)
- Sugar pills for weight loss (get off the friggin' couch fatties)
- Sugar pills for the hungry (wanna eat ... get a job at McDonald's)
- Electro shock therapy for Republicans (election reform)
Dr. Magoo of the American Medical Association applauded this move by the Obama administration, remarking 'It is wonderful to see such a highly qualified healthcare professional in the position of Surgeon General'.
His appointment has not, however, been without controversy. Jenny Craig has questioned his credentials and is concerned that Dr. Ho will take a 'bite' out of her business. Pundits consider this sour grapes on her part as Dr. Ho left her for Dr. Atkins several years ago.