Hermaphrodite

“I once prayed to Hermaphrodite for something...It worked very nicely.”
~ the late Michael Jackson on Hermaphrodite

One of the only known photos of Hermaphrodite. Usually the camera just explodes.

Hermaphrodite (Prounounced Herm-aff-row-die-tee) is the Greek God/Godess of love, beauty and transsexuality. He ~~She~~ It was an idol of great worship in Ancient Greece, and many temples were built in Its honor. Hermaphrodite is best known for Its extreme ugliness, as It possesses both male and female "qualities," shall we say. Eventually, Hermaphrodite felt persecuted by the other Greek gods, fled Mount Olympus, and started Its own religion, Hermaphroditology. Hermaphrodite is still widely worshipped as a deity today.

Origins

An ancient artifact depicting the god(ess).

The first references to Hermaphrodite appeared around 600 B.C. The god(ess) was frequently depicted in artwork and cave drawings in Ancient Greek culture. The Greek people would pray to Hermaphrodite if they needed help in their love life, or if they desired a sex change. In Greek society, Hermaphrodite was respected as a powerful divinity, and they often made ritualistic sacrifices to appease It. There was even a holiday in Its honor, on which the Greeks would all change their gender. Hermaphrodite was known to be easily angered if not pleased by the people, and many historians believe that Hermaphrodite may have destroyed the Ancient Greek society in one of Its frequent violent rages (later known as PMS).

Mythology

Greek mythology originally referred to Hermaphrodite as "King Of The Gods." They later decided that this didn't fit, so they called It "Queen Of The Gods." This was also later changed, and after several other names were suggested to no avail, the Greeks finally got pissed off and made Zeus the King. Hermaphrodite was then demoted to being a "waterperson" for the Mount Olympus All-Star Baseball team, and cleaning the floors of Zeus' kingdom. This made Hermaphrodite very angry, and It exacted revenge by cloning Itself several thousand times by ummmm...well...uhhh..you can think about that one on your own....

The Hermaphrodite clones proved to be extremely destructive causing plague and famine throughout the land. After countless citizens had perished, Zeus finally stopped the madness. Hermaphrodite was called up in status, being made the god(ess) of love beauty and transsexuality, as a practical joke between the gods. Unfortunately for Zeus, the joke backfired with devastating results. Hermaphrodite used Its new powers to make every Greek person so hideous that they would not reproduce anymore. As a result, the entire Greek society died out.

After this incident, Hermaphrodite earned the reputation of a violent, feared deity. Except by the other gods, who made fun of Hermaphrodite relentlessly.

Birth

The infamous birth. It would get even uglier.

Legend has it that Hermaphrodite was born when a drunken Aphrodite made love to a clam. In a strange medical miracle, the clam became pregnant. Aphrodite hoped the clam would give birth to a beautiful pearl, but she got something much different. Six months later, Hermaphrodite was delivered prematurely by C-Section at the Mount Olympus General Hospital. After seeing her new child, Aphrodite immediately gave up the will to live, as did all other witnesses to the birth. Hera heard of the news, and rushed to the hospital to save the child. Hera was somehow unphased by Hermaphrodite's hideousness, and took It to live with her, hoping It would outgrow Its uglyness. Hera was known for her stupidity.

Adolescence

Soon enough, Hermaphrodite was a teenager, and had not outgrown Its ugliness at all. In fact, It was even uglier, due to the hormonal changes of both estrogen and testosterone surging through Its body. These conflicting hormones made puberty very difficult for Hermaphrodite, as It underwent many odd physical "changes." During this stage of Its life, Hermaphrodite unintentionally killed Zeus, simply by looking at him. After Zeus' death, the realm of the gods was thrown into total chaos. Hermaphrodite was thown into a bonfire, where It would spend two years as a punishment. Needless to say, this didn't help to improve Its apperance.

Adulthood

Hermaphrodite enjoying a day in San Francisco.

After released from the fiery pit that had been Its temporary home, Hermaphrodite regrouped and tried to carry on with Its life. Unfortunately, Hermaphrodite faced constant ridicule and persecution from the other gods, and It became very depressed. Hermaphrodite attempted seppuku seven times, before remembering that It was immortal. Frustrated and angered, Hermaphrodite finally decided to leave Mt. Olympus in search of a new life. Deciding not to deal with it anymore, It packed up Its knapsack, and headed West in a Conestoga, looking for something better.

Three weeks later, Hermaphrodite arrived in San Francisco, a city that would become Its new home. It fit in perfectly among the people there, and was accepted with open arms. Hermaphrodite started working two jobs, one as a ballerina, and the other as a professional wrestler. It soon became a very influential and popular figure in the Bay Area, and groupies started following It.

Hermaphrodite fell deeply in love with one of these groupies, an asexual amoeba named Jenny. The couple got married, and eventually had one child, who they named Liberace. Things were great in Hermaphrodite's life for a while, until Its wife filed for a divorce. This turned into a violent separation, and Jenny came away with every cent the couple had earned, and the custody of Liberace. Hermaphrodite was crushed, but It vowed to move on.

After doing a series of public speeches advocating for equal rights, Hermaphrodite was elected Mayor of San Francisco. It was a popular leader, and soon had dictatorial power over the majority of the United States. Hermaphrodite used this power to lay the foundation for Its religion, Hermaphroditology.

Hermaphroditology

Using its authoritarian powers, Hermaphrodite founded Its own religion, centered entirely around Itself. The complete teachings of Hermaphrodite were written into "The Hermaphroditologists Guide To The Universe", a holy text containing The 11.5 Commandments Of Hermaphrodite - rules Hermaphroditologists must abide by - and numerous pornographic images. Hermaphrodite sold these books throughout California for free, in exchange for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same. The religion became quite popular in San Francisco, and soon caught on like a storm throughout the globe. By the Dark Ages, Hermaphroditology was the largest religion in the industrialized world. Tragically, the Crusades wiped out the religion and all that followed it. The religion was lost for a few hundred years.

However, Hermaphrodite worked hard recruiting followers, and Hermaphroditology was revived in the early 19th century. Today, Hermaphroditology is widely practiced, especially in the Middle East. It is currently the world's third largest ~~cult~~ religion.

Followers of the religion are commonly referred to as "Hermaphroditologists." Despite the religion's popularity, Hermaphroditologists are looked down upon in modern society. Legislation has been passed everywhere but Belgium to prevent hermaphroditologists from getting married. In response to this, Hermaphrodite has launched a civil rights movement aimed to give Its followers equality. So far, it has proven ineffective, because nobody likes Hermaphroditologists.

Worship

The famed "Penus De Milo" statue of Hermaphrodite, in The Temple Of Sheemayle.

Hermaphrodite has been widely worshipped for many years, starting around 650 B.C., and continuing into the modern era. Thousands of temples and shrines have been built in Its honor. Perhaps the most famous temple is The Temple Of Sheemayle, which was built in Athens in 200 B.C. This temple contains many of the original texts of Hermaphroditology, as well as the famous art masterpiece the "Penus De Milo", a sculpture in the likeness of Hermaphrodite. Each year Hermaphroditologists are required to visit this temple as a pilgrimage.

Hermaphrodite is worshipped in many other ways than in temples. Worshippers must pledge their faith through a series of tests. For example, Hermaphroditologists must get their gender changed every three weeks. Also, In a ritual known as The Way, Hermaphroditologists must fast for eight months of the year, starting in March and concluding In November. Followers subject themselves to the pain of these practices for the promise of an eternal afterlife as a Silicon breast implant.

Powers Of Hermaphrodite

Hermaphrodite possesses many miraculous powers that can be both useful and destructive. It has the ability to answer prayers, and can work magic for desperate followers in times of need. Hermaphrodite's best known power is Its ability to perform sex changes in three seconds or less. Hermaphrodite has used this powers to become one of the world's leading Plastic Surgeons, making millions a year. It also has the ability to take the form of any male or female of any species. This has allowed Hermaphrodite to impersonate and deceive numerous people. Hermaphrodite also smites random people when It is bored, causing them to spontaneously combust; Michael Jackson is said to be the latest case of this. However, It has also been known to use Its powers for good, once saving a gay pride group from an eternal life in Hell; that is, until God sent them there anyway.

Famous Hermaphroditologists

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Hermaphrodite.