HowTo:Commit the Perfect Murder
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“It was the Man On The Grassy Knoll.”
“It was Lee Harvey Oswald, I swear.”
“It was Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the Rope.”
Warning! This article encourages crime. DO NOT read on unless you wish to commit crime. If you are an agent of the FBI, the CIA, MI6, or just the Police please redirect your attention here. If you do not wish to commit crime, please feel free to leave now and repeatedly bash your head on the desk until you get amnesia and cannot remember this article. Thank you.
Definition of the Perfect Murder
Motives to commit the Perfect Murder
You may have many reasons, both logical and illogical, to wish somebody to die. However first, we must consider the positives and negatives of having a motive. Motives are often used by detectives to catch so called "criminals". It may prove more beneficial to murder a complete stranger. Beware getting away with your first Perfect Murder and moving on to second, third and fourth murders. You may develop an M.O. which would allow you to be caught, and revert your murder to imperfect status.
Bearing this in mind, if you are still convinced you have to kill somebody you know, here is a list of possible reasons:
- They slept with your grandmother/grandfather/wife/husband/sister/brother/daughter/son/household pet
- They refused to sleep with your grandmother/grandfather/wife/husband/sister/brother/daughter/son/household pet
- You actually just wanted to sleep in your cosy single bed, but they were raving to Ganbu Style at 3 in the morning.
- They attempted to kill you, or a close relative/friend - see revenge
- They did kill you, or a close relative/friend - please note killing from beyond the grave requires less discretion, unless Ghostbusters are nearby
- They plagiarized your book/film-script/Uncyclopedia article
- They are of a different faith/religion than yourself, or are a dirty heathen (atheist) - "God told me to do it"
- They used the Death Star to destroy your home planet of Alderaan
- They overcharged/undercharged you at Tescos or WalMart
- They are a particularly good/medium/bad president of a particularly small/medium/large country
- In the name of Science
- For the lulz.
A Brief Explanation of Physical Evidence
In the process of Solving Crime, a department of the police, known as CSI, will collect the crime scene, package it into small, biodegradable plastic bags and take it back to their lab. There they will poke it, mix it with coloured liquids, fire guns at it, electrocute it, kill it with fire, interview it and then arrest it. Once the evidence is processed, it will become apparent if any evidence is missing, so it can be planted and discovered in a subsequent search, or if any evidence doesn't make sense or causes unnecessary paperwork. This evidence will likely be lost or assigned to another case.
However, during this process the evidence may give you up. Physical evidence is a liability. Therefore, if at all possible, try to kill someone imphysically. Some popular methods are the use of mind bullets, from 200 miles away, inhabiting another person's body or just kill everyone who may be likely to ever discover that it was you who committed the crime.
Step 1: Location, Location, Location
The location is of critical importance. As with all stages in the Perfect Murder, there should be no connection between it, you, and the victim. Hence you must gather yourself, your murder kit and the victim in a place neither of you normally visit. A suitable method would be to invite them for a picnic. But don't phone them - that leaves a record - try using smoke signals.
Step 2: The Murder Weapon
Unlike Aliens, which can only be killed by blowing them out of an airlock, there are literally thousands of ways to kill a man. And several hundred ways to kill a woman due to their exoskeleton several times stronger than that of a man, mainly as a result of lifelong exposure to bitchiness. For the sake of convenience we will concentrate on the most popular and least traceable methods.
- Mach 3 Triple Bladed Katana - need I say any more?
- A sharpened icicle - one of the best choices if within your life you do not have the unlimited pleasure of coming across the Mach 3 Triple Bladed Katana; the evidence will destroy itself. Must be used quickly. --- To create greater confusion at the crime scene, make your own icicles from the victim's urine
- A knife - not the one with which children cut their pencil (only serial killers in movies can use that, besides one needs a lot of strength to use that, so use that only when you have 'time' to kill and not a person), rather possibly the one which the butchers use, the ones found in the kitchen are easy to use too. It is a sharp weapon to skilfully or non-skilfully execute the job at hand or the neck in hand. One doesn't need to be sharp to use this weapon.But please use gloves while holding it.
- A gun - guns can be found in bins, strapped under cars, inside folded newspapers and in every schoolchild's backpack. Remember to replace after use.
- A car - do not use your own car. Do not borrow a friend's or neighbour's either 'cause that leaves a trail. Steal a car from a nearby Wal*Mart.
- A heavy object, for example, a brick, candlestick, or poker.
- A heavier object, for example, an airplane by Boeing should do quite nicely.
- Pills - available from your local drug dealer or corrupt doctor
- Knives - this is so good that it's in here twice: any carving or chopping knife should suffice. For more of a challenge try table knives, bread knives, butter knives, and putty knives.
- Hammer and stake - vampires only
- A notebook - only works if it is of the Death Note variety.
- A wand - will work for any witch or wizard, especially if you're the 2nd Viscount Of Mordor, the Great And Mighty Lord Voldemort.
- Pushing them off a building - I think this makes the building the murder weapon. Be sure you have a licence
- Peanuts - 0.01% of the time, they work every time
- Poison - arsenic is a popular one when you can procure it without killing yourself first
- Fire - combine with water and the holy word for maximum effect
- Prayer - "Dear God, if you smite my enemy, I will eat this Snickers bar in your honour. If you agree, give me no sign. Amen"
- A pillow - smother them, then cry into it when overcome with grief/remorse/joy
- A BB gun - walk till approximately 1 micrometer from them and then shoot them in the mouth, only when it's opened though.
- An Icicle - stab them anywhere you want and the evidence melts.
Step 3: Applying the Weapon to the Victim
Do what it says on the tin, only harder- don't worry, you'll lose far more calories than it says so on the label. Do your utmost not to bleed whilst doing this, or they will use your DNA or RNA to beat you to death. Also avoid: being bitten, biting them (unless you're into that kind of thing), spitting, losing any hairs or clothing fibres. Try not to lose your fingerprints, you may need them later.
Congratulations! You've killed your first person!
Step 4: Dealing with the Corpse
It is a good idea to make the body unrecognisable. This way Johnny Law won't know where to start looking for a killer, give up and go arrest some doughnuts. Chop off the hands and feet and burn them. Smash up the teeth with a hammer or similar. If you chose blunt force trauma as cause of death, you may want to re-use your weapon and save the environment. Using a syringe, extract all the DNA and dispose of it into a lake. Grate off all tattoos and birthmarks. I wouldn't use your grater again if you are picky about hygiene. Don't be a total ass, help your community - carefully remove and bag each organ, place them in a freezer box. Leave the Bumper Organ Gift Box on the Hospital doorstep. Finally, remove the face - you may wish to keep this as a trophy, but remember - keep it at your grandmother's.
All done? Good. Now you have an indistinguishable, hollow torso - throw this in a river, or freeze it at your local supermarket. The choice is yours.
Step 5: Removing the Evidence
If you follow this simple guide you will carefully and systematically remove all evidence. Do not miss out any stages - it will result in an Imperfect Murder:
- Clean the murder weapon(s), but keep it for later
- Vacuum up the murder scene, then wash it down with bleach - if the police get ill they will be less lenient
- Drive out to the woods. Upon arriving, burn all your clothes and push your car into the sea. Then have a wash - use bleach, your skin will grow back
- Get a taxi home, then kill the taxi driver. Don't try and cover it up, nobody cares about taxi drivers
- Blow up your house
- Move into a motel
- Have a cup of tea, it's been a long poop
- In the morning, blow up the motel and go hang with some bums for a few days, just to be safe.
- you also smell like crap on the sidewalk of a dumpster. :)
Step 6: Blame someone else
Have you kept your murder weapon? Excellent. Here's what you do. Invite your neighbour or mother in law round for dinner. After a satisfying meal, ask them if they'd like to see your gun (try not to sound like your coming onto them, emotional attachment is a weakness), or other murder weapon. Get them to hold it. If they refuse, simply sedate them then rub your weapon all over their face.
Then go bury the weapon in their back garden. If you chose a car as your weapon, you may wish to hire a digger.
Should they find further evidence to prove it was you, repeat the previous six steps incorporating everyone who now knows that you are the murderer
Step 7: Change your identity and move to Mexico
(AKA: Lying low) This does not require physically low lying, unless a particularly tall police person is looking for you. Get plastic surgery - make yourself appear unrecognisable. For example, if you're Brazilian, go Irish, if you're Irish, go Chinese, if you're Chinese, go Human. Get a fake passport, driver's licence, birth certificate. These are all available on eBay. Don't use your own credit cards to buy them - steal some from your victim. Well, he doesn't need them any more does he? A general piece of advice, do not change your name to any of the following:
- Colonel Mustard
- Miss Scarlet
- Professor Plum
- Al Capone
- George W. Bush
- Mrs Peacock
- Andy Dufresne
- OJ Simpson
As you will be caught, and sued for copyright infringement. Also, if you are The Butler, don't do it.
Move to Mexico - nobody has jurisdiction there. Mexicans don't even have a word for justice. Just make sure you have about $5 to pay off the cops. If you're already in Mexico, good thinking, however if you committed murder in Mexico consider moving to Canada - don't worry, it's not as bad as everyone says.
What to do if it all goes wrong
Horrors! The Police are at your secret motel room and want to "have a chat". Don't fear, the game isn't up yet. Just keep your cool and it'll all be over by Christmas (possibly later if you committed the murder during the winter months).
Appearance is important. Either wear a nice suit or a white one-piece dress with no underwear. Lie. Plead insanity. Claim Swiss nationality. Hire a fancy lawyer. DO NOT mention this article. The interrogator will attempt four methods to get you admit your guilt. These are as follows:
- Lie - they will pretend to have some damming evidence and say you might as well own up it'll make the paperwork easier. Don't believe them. Invite them for a game of poker - this will allow you to know when they're bluffing, and you may win enough money for a fancy lawyer.
- Guilt trap - they will tell you about the family's anguish, and how the victim suffered. They will make you want to make yourself suffer as a penance. Avoid guilt, kill someone without family, who cannot feel pain. Long term coma sufferers are ideal.
- The Bad Cop/Really Bad Cop routine - they unplug the CCTV camera, swivel their chair round and mount it rodeo style. This is their way of telling you you're about to get ridden. They will beat the confession out of you if they have to, and maybe if they don't have to as well. Learn Kung Fu, wear camouflage, keep your murder kit handy - just remember, if it's self defence, it doesn't count.
- Polygraph test - these measure your pulse rate to see if you're lying. Either be a robot or use a friend's heart - that way, if you lie, they get sent down.
Please remember, if you value your family, do not mention this article. I know your IP address ...
If you get sent down
The rest of your life
You may feel some regret or guilt. Do not panic - this is perfectly normal. If you don't, that's great! Well done. Just some final hints and tips - if you find that no matter how much you wash your hands, you still see blood on them, try an oil based soap, use moisturiser in between washes, attempt to murder yourself and be put in an asylum for it where you know your thoughts don't work any more, murder yourself or chop your hands off in an industrial accident. Please try and restrain yourself to one murder a year, this is important in maintaining the Earth's population, and Cannibals food source. That's all from me, kill safely.