HowTo:Survive A Premature Burial
“All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive.”
The year is 1879. You wake up from a long slumber feeling very cramped and uncomfortable, with the most awful headache you've ever experienced in your life. The last thing you can remember is riding a horse.
You're lying down. It's pitch black wherever you are. You feel around and notice there are walls by your sides. You try to sit up, only to bump your head against a ceiling above. What is this, a coffin?
*GASP!* It is a coffin!
You quiver in horror as you realize the unthinkable has happened: You were buried alive.
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How Did You End Up There?
Your memory begins to recover. You were riding your horse in the middle of the night to see your fiancé Elizabeth. Recently, you two had a monstrous fight and called off the engagement. Since this time rumours have floated that she's seeing some younger man. A supposedly handsome, if but peculiar, man, who has shown her things she's never seen before. Your blood boiled upon hearing these rumours at the pub. The combination of envy, sorrow, and alcohol made you race over to her house in a desperate attempt to win her heart back.
It was a storm like the little town had never seen. You could barely see where you were going because of the hard pouring rain. A bolt of lightening struck nearby, terrifying the horse. You fell backwards, hitting your head on a rock, knocking yourself unconscious.
Yadda yadda yadda, you were buried in a grave deep underground.
I'm From the Future, and I'm Here to Help!
First off, let me tell you, it's a hell of a thing to be put in your grave prematurely. My great-grandfather was buried alive not once, but twice! It drove him completely insane. They had to cremate him the last time they thought he was dead just to make certain it wouldn't happen again.[1]
What I'm trying to say is, I'm somewhat of an expert in this field. It matters not who I am. I'm your last and only hope, as this situation needs some thinking outside the box, while you are currently sealed inside said box. If I had the means, I would save you myself. Unfortunately, all I can offer you is my advice. If you ever want to see Elizabeth, nay, the world, again, you're going to have to trust me.
Place a finger up your nose and leave it there. This way you'll save air by breathing through only one nostril.
Remember: Don't Panic
Yes, suffocation is a possibility, and, yes, escaping is very unlikely. In fact, the chances are very good that you're going to die soon in one of the slowest and most unpleasant ways. However, the important thing is to stay calm. If you holler and scream, the Grim Reaper will only find you quicker.
Right now you must use your time wisely and conserve as much oxygen as possible. You've already wasted both reading my long introduction.[2]
Without further delay, the following are my half-baked ideas that could save your life.
Idea #1: Ring a Bell
Tragedies like this were so common in your century that they actually invented a device for just this occasion. The device is a bell up top hooked to a string reaching down into the coffin. If you pull the string, the bell will ring, and someone, such as the watchman, will come to save you.
You found the string? Marvelous. Now, pull it. Don't pull it like a weakling! Pull it like a man. Yeah, like that. Mmmm.. Pull it! Pull it!
Whoops, it broke.
Don't worry, I have plenty more ideas.
Idea #2: Perform Magic
Pretend magic, that is, as real magic is total bollocks.[3] You've yet to hear of him, but soon-to-be-famous magician Harry Houdini always found himself in this exact circumstance. I'm about to reveal to you in advanced the secret to his famous coffin trick, which he never did because he died.[4] Here goes: You use a trap door. Simple, eh?
Feel the side wall again to see if there's a trap door. There is a trap door? Hallelujah! What are the odds of that? Hopefully, there's an upward tunnel on the other side. Open the door. Good work. Now climb out the tunnel. There isn't one. What? Why on Earth would there be a trap door, but no bloody tunnel?!
Oh, I see. That wasn't a door after all. The side wall broke off. Damn shabby 19th century coffin.
Just forget it. FORGET IT! We're moving on.
Idea #3: Slip into a Wormhole
I'm not talking about the worm holes that will infest your body after you inevitably die down there. I'm referring to that hole in the universe thing. Here, I brought my drinking buddy Stephen Hawking to explain it:
| “ | A wormhole is a warp in the space-time continuum that bridges two folded pieces of space-time. Within a wormhole the very laws of physics collapse due to it's extreme density. If one were to successfully travel through a wormhole, they would be taken from one point in space and time to another one, possibly even to a separate universe. In layman's terms, it is one bitchin' shortcut.
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” |
I can see by that blank look on your face that you still don't understand. Either that or you've already suffocated from the lack of oxygen. Hello. HELLO?! Okay, you're still alive. Wonderful.
Look around the coffin to see if any there are any glowing, green wormholes. One just appeared below your feet? Marvelous![5] Well slide into it, man!
And... he's gone. I wonder where he went. Oh well, not my problem.
So Steve, I'll meet you at the pub in half an hour? You can tell me more of your crazy theories about the universe. How's that sound? What? He's back? Crap on a cracker! I guess I'll catch you later Steve.
Apparently, the wormhole has transported you back into the coffin, only twelve seconds into the future. Damn shabby 19th century wormhole.
Idea #4: Telepathy
Telepathy is the act of sending messages via your mind. Yes, it works. How else do you think I'm giving you this information without you having internet access?
The first thing you need to do is concentrate on the person of whom you want to deliver the message. I presume it's Elizabeth. Imagine yourself standing before her. Now deliver the message that you are trapped. Chances are she's asleep right now and dreaming about you being trapped in the coffin. The dream will be so realistic that she'll go to the cemetery and plea the watchman to dig up your grave.
I should warn you that statistically this very rarely saves those buried alive. Oh, the telepathic message goes through. I'm referring to horrible timing this all takes. Usually it's too late when they dig the casket up. The person is found dead, lying on their stomach from trying to push the lid open. The lid usually has fingernail scratches all over it as well.
Um, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't be one of the exceptions. Buuut just in case it doesn't work, let's move on to the next idea, shall we?
Idea #5: Use Your Phone
Scientific studies have proven that cell phones are more reliable than telepathy. At least one of your friends has to be awake. Call one and tell them your unique predicament. It's really kind of a funny story. Maybe they'll get a big laugh out of it.
Well, what are you waiting for? Get your damn phone out! It should be in your left pants pocket, assuming your sister Abby didn't swipe it at the funeral.
What? You don't have a phone? Loser. What kind of person doesn't own a cell phone these days? You should at least have one for times of emergency like this. Damn shabby 19th century moron. Someone this stupid probably deserves to die.
Idea #6: Urinate
Yes, I'm telling you to piss. You had a lot to drink at the pub, right? Given the amount of time you've been unconscious, your bladder is nothing short of being ready to explode. Alfred Nobel can only dream of the power capacity that will come from your 'dynamite stick'. With such power, you can blast the coffin lid right off and, subsequently, all the dirt right out of the ground.
Don't give me that goofy look. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's just as possible and likely as a friggin' wormhole appearing at the precise moment you need it. Besides, I'm running out of ideas, and you don't have any other options, do you?
Now quit sassing me and piss yourself. Go ahead and do it, while we're young. And alive.
Oh, what now? Are you shy? Do you want me to leave?[7] You already pissed yourself earlier out of terror?! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Luckily, this isn't the only powerful force contained within your body.
Idea #6b: Ejaculate
The time has come for you take matters into your own hand. Don't feel embarrassed. I, myself, usually resort to this during extremely difficult times. If it doesn't work, at least you'll have one last great pleasure before you die. Given the amount of stress you're currently under, this action might be difficult to do. As usual, I have to help you, whether I like it or not.
Imagine Elizabeth wearing her sexiest undergarments. Licking her lips, she's giving you the "I want you now" look that drives you wild. She hasn't seen you in days, during which she thought you were gone forever. She's ready to do things with you that animals are more accustomed to doing. She's also absolutely desperate to go down and suck...
Uh.. did you just finish already? Not again! Damn you! I am getting very frustrated, you stupid little man! You and your damn shabby 19th century penis! You're going to die a cum-covered dolt!
Heh, heh heh. Actually, it's rather ironic that you would ejaculate prematurely.
Idea #7: Pray to God
Considering one transcendent omniscient being isn't doing a very good job helping you[8], perhaps we should turn to another. One that doesn't hate you at this point.
Just like Jonah trapped inside the great fish, you must ask God to save you from certain death. Humble yourself. Ask forgiveness for every sin you have ever committed. Beg your Creator to look upon your soul and show mercy. Passionately cry out, "Please, save me Lord!"
Nothing happened. It figures. Damn shabby 19th century deity. This means we'll have to go the other way...
Idea #7b: Pray to Satan
I saved this as a last resort. If you ever want to see the light of day again, you're going to have to bargain with Satan himself. Not just any bargain, mind you. The only thing he'll want from you is your very soul. You might feel nervous about this, but trust me on this one. I know the guy personally. He's a very reasonable man. I think you'll be able to strike up a nice deal.
You need to cut yourself in order to draw blood. With that blood, take your finger and draw a pentagram on the coffin ceiling.[9] Now say this chant out loud: "OMA HEI DE DISPECIAN..."
Hold on, I'm getting a text message.[10] Speak of the devil. It's the devil! He says he's not interested in negotiating your soul *cough* since you're already destined for Hell *cough*. There goes that plan.
Idea #8: Dig
You can take your finger out of your nose now. Unless you feel like doing some real digging.
Considering all of the above extremely ridiculous ideas failed, you have no other choice but to try to dig your way out. The first thing you must do is take off your shirt and cover your face with it so dirt will not fall into your mouth. Stick your head through the upside down neck hole, and tie the bottom of the shirt in a knot. Precisely like this:
Once you did this, try with all your might to break the door. Kick it. Harder. Harder. Yes! God bless this damn shabby 19th century coffin!
Now that the door is broken, you must use your hands and dig as fast as you can. No, dig faster than that. Dig! Dig! Dig! You're almost there. Only 5 feet, 6 inches[11] to go...
5 feet, 6 inches later...
FREEE-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!![12]
Oh, the sweet taste of freedom! Take a deep breath of the fresh air. You're alive. You are ALIVE! Among the living, not the dead! You have a new outlook on life! Today is a wonderful day! The first day of the rest of your life!
Oh my goodness. Look over there. Elizabeth is here! She received your telepathic message and came to save you! Go, go kiss her right now.[13] Tell her how much you love her. Tell her you'll never take her for granted again. Drop down on one knee and re-propose to her.
What a happy ending this is!
...Or so you think. The truth is you are hallucinating due to lack of oxygen. In fact, you've been hallucinating the entire time. You never even tried any of my ideas. Which is good for me, since I don't look like a failure for not being able to save you from your horrible death.
Given that you have only a few seconds to live, I should tell you that I'm about to make love to Elizabeth.[14] I am, in fact, the young man she's been seeing. I've simply been stalling you so there would be no chance of a real escape. No need to worry about Elizabeth's happiness without you. I'll take very good care of her.
Goodbye!
*** You have died ***
See Also
Footnotes
- ↑ Unfortunately, it did happen to him again, but that's a story for another time.
- ↑ Sorry about that.
- ↑ Except of the wizard variety.
- ↑ ...from an unrelated cause at a different time. Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out just then.
- ↑ You're surprisingly lucky for a man living in his own grave.
- ↑ It's beer.
- ↑ As if I want to miss this.
- ↑ To be fair, it's all your fault.
- ↑ In case you didn't know, a pentagram looks like this:
- ↑ See, my real friends are not phoneless nitwits.
- ↑ Coincidently, 5 Feet, 6 Inches is the name of my favorite porn flick. (I'm sorry for interrupting your great escape. I couldn't help but make a pre-metric system sexual innuendo.)
- ↑ It's a shame you'll never get that reference.
- ↑ Take the shirt off your head first. You look like a jackass.
- ↑ I have a fetish for 1800s women. Don't judge me!
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