James Mattis
James 'Jim' Canis ad Insaniam Convertunt ("Mad Dog") Mattis (born 1950) served as US Defense Secretary in the administration of Donald Trump from January 2016 to December 2018. Mattis was employed under the mistaken impression that he was clinically insane and ate breakfast with a bayonet to butter his toast.
Attention![edit]
Mattis is a man's man. He took a vow of celibacy when joining the US Marines. The last woman to have kissed him was his mother. Since then Mattis has dedicated his life to all things military and soldering. He also reads and models himself on King Leonidas I of Sparta. Mattis liked to read Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius books Meditations, Medications and Mediums.
Polish polish polish[edit]
Mattis just missed out getting involved in the Vietnam War. He did see action in the First Gulf War in 1991. He was also involved in the Afghanistan War and Iraq before he was moved to a desk job at the Pentagon. However it was in these wars that Mattis acquired the nickname of 'Mad Dog' because of his refusal to apologise for any mistakes done by the American Military. This was the Marine training: You Never Back Down and Kill the other guy.
The controversial general was then a supported of 'enhanced interrogation' (i.e. torture) but later said it was ineffective to get results. Despite this and other incidents Mattis quickly climbed to the top of command, ending up as Commander of the Joint Chief of Staff in the Barack Obama administration before finally taking up retirement and golf in 2013. He was also involved in some medical quackery with blood tests for a company that claimed they could do them with a single molecule rather than a syringe full of the crimson stuff.
Trump[edit]
In 2016 Trump asked Mattis to be his Secretary of Defense. Imagining he was being brought in for his expertise, Trump handed him a big stick and told Mattis to go out there and beat up people who had crossed him before. Mattis tried to explain that wasn't his job.
Between 2017 and 2018 Mattis had to take a regular humiliation from Trump who wanted his MAGA message mean the USA had no need for any allies and if they didn't like American foreign policy, they should be expected to be added as an enemy of Trump. Mattis tried (with others) to find a diplomatic way of saying this but failed each time. In December 2018 he resigned.
Retirement (second one)[edit]
Mattis has promised to write his memoirs and why celibacy is good for soldering.