Jonathan Huang
“Ah, Jonathan, if only I could touch you, one last time...”
I've never met the man, but my sources tell me he's responsible for the creation of Uncyclopedia, well, if that's the case, hats off to him! Anyway, seeing as I have a perfect view into his bedroom window from my house, I shall now tell you a little about the man that is Jonathan Huang!
What I Can See From Here[edit]
How old?[edit]
XX years
Complexion[edit]
Hmm, not bad, not bad...he keeps ducking behind the curtains, but from what I can make out, pretty good...little bit of backne, but we can look past that...quite pale, maybe you would consider going to a nice hot country for a well deserved holiday and a bit of a tan, Mr. Huang? Getting the binoculars out now...ooh, I say...
Hair Colour[edit]
A rather attractive jet black. Oh my god, he's taking the towel off... ooh, it's jet black there too...
Height, Weight, and Length[edit]
Height: approximately 5'11.
Weight: roughly ten stone.
Length: I can't see it well enough through the pink sarong to guess.
What I Have Learnt From Years of Stalking Him[edit]
Demeanor[edit]
Friendly overall, smiles at people as he walks past them in the street, often handing out small change to the poor or disabled. Unfortunately the disabled often take offense at this, and, if able to, punch Jonathan right in the gonads. He crumples into a heap on the floor, face contorted into a mixture of indignation and pain. It takes up all his spartan reserve not to assail the offending cripple right where he stands. He is also known as a famous masturbator and has somehow gained himself 5 children. (Huh?)
Family History[edit]
Huang was born to Lydia Bhatnagar and Craig Huang, who met whilst working in a Virgin Mobile call center. When Craig set eyes on Lydia, it was love at first sight. He threw down his headset with a customer still on the line, and bounded over to her workstation in complete adulation. Lydia was instantly taken by the man's romanticism and bravado, and to the shock of the other call center employees, Jonathan was conceived right there and then. The couple moved into a quiet house in North Carolina, where they went on to conceive two healthy brothers for young Jonathan, named Michel and Bob. The three boys grew up with a mixed Indian-Indonesian cultural heritage, due to the racial backgrounds of their parents. This led to the three developing a sharply satirical sense of humor, as is common in children with that background.
Sexual Orientation[edit]
Robosexual.
Alter Egos/Pseudonyms[edit]
Pseudonyms: Chronarion, Stillwaters.
Alter Egos: Rorschach, the real-life one, not the one from Watchmen. That one is Walter Kovacs, silly.
What I Hope to Learn When I to Talk to Him in Person[edit]
First off, I'll ask what his favorite movie is. I've always thought it would be something like American Beauty or Pulp Fiction, but who knows? I could be wrong...I'd also like to know if he ever plans on getting married, whether or not he'd be interested in having kids, what his favorite foods, drinks, and drugs are, whether he likes cats or dogs, and whether or not he's been thinking about me too.
His Legacy[edit]
Jonathan has gifted the world with his presence for almost twenty-nine years now, but more important than that is the website he hath bequeathed to us: UNCYCLOPEDIA wooooo!
I would like to take a moment of sobriety to honestly thank Jonathan for all the work he has done to make this website a reality. I know that I would never have had the forethought nor organizational skills to make such a thing possible, and I think that all of us lazy and yet exceptionally witty people here on uncyclopedia oh you a great thanks, Jonathan, for all the hours we have happily wasted on your whimsical site. Hip, hip, HOORAY!!!
Where is he now?[edit]
Jonathan works for google working on intelligent machines that will take over the world. He's shy about mentioning Uncyclopedia. Petition Jonathan at http://jonathan-huang for his omission. He does admit it on his linked-in profile. https://www.linkedin.com/in/crestfall