Kitty Store
| Type | Retail chain |
|---|---|
| Slogan | We sell all the things you always wanted |
| Established | May 5, 1995 |
| Founder(s) | Sam Spielberg |
| Headquarters | Dullsville, United States |
| Number of locations | Many |
| Area served | Everywhere |
| Products | Stuff |
| Owner(s) | Kitty Spielberg |
Kitty Store is an American company that operates an international chain store of the same name. It was founded in 1995 by Sam Spielberg. As of April 20, 2024, Kitty Store has 123,456 stores in 111 countries, including those on other planets.
Kitty Store's slogan is "we sell all the things you always wanted". According to its critics,[who?] this is a misrepresentation because it specializes in selling products that have no discernible purpose. They have repeatedly denied this, however. Users of their products have sometimes tried to sue them, but they were always reminded that they had agreed to sign a waiver saying that Kitty Store would not be held liable for any disadvantages suffered by its customers. The waiver was always written on invisible paper. This made it hard for anyone to see it.
Beginning in 2022, Kitty Store's business has been declining despite their increased focus on marketing campaigns. Some[who?] have stated that this is due to the uselessness of their products.
History[edit]
Spielberg had originally planned to call the company "No-Name", but he later decided on "Kitty", inspired by his pet cat. He stated in 2013 that he had difficulty coming up with a descriptive name because the company was not "about anything".[1]
In 1997, he left to pursue a career in filmmaking and put Kitty Spielberg in charge of her namesake chain. Kitty has been approached multiple times for comment on the state of the company but never given a meaningful response.[2]
Products[edit]
Shpencil[edit]
The Shpencil is a pencil with a Shticky on it where the eraser would be. The claimed advantage is that it is a pencil and a Shticky all in one. However, apparently most people find a toothbrush with a screwdriver on it far more useful than the relatively unloved Shpencil, which is why Kitty Store has been losing out to Doggie Store. Doggie Store, their main competitor, primarily manufactures toothbrushes with screwdrivers on them. They have in turn been losing out to a company that makes automated nappy changers for sheep.
Nerf cars[edit]
Nerf cars, as the name suggests, are cars made entirely of nerf. This renders them completely unable to be driven. Adverts for nerf cars always tout how incredibly safe they are, but if you read the fine print you will see that there is only one disadvantage — they are undrivable! Kitty Store faced public outcry in 2005 over not stating this explicitly in their advertisements. Now they always state up front that nerf cars are so safe because they cannot be driven, claiming that all car accidents are caused by the vast majority of cars being drivable. Now only stupid people buy nerf cars from Kitty Store. This seems to be enough customers to keep them in business.
Braid chips[edit]
Braid chips are a kind of chip made out of braided hair. They are largely devoid of nutritional content and were formerly advertised as a good source of protein before it was discovered that the health 'benefits' are largely not beneficial. Now the surplus of hair donated to Kitty Store's hair collection fund is used for making wigs and extensions. The rest of it sits around in front of computers editing wikis and being generally useless.