Microshaft Winblows 98

We didn't have to doctor this image.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Microshaft Winblows 98.

Microshaft Winblows 98 is a video game parody of Microsoft Windows 98 developed by Parroty Interactive. Despite the Beavis and Butt-Head-esque name to the parody, professional reviews of the game were extremely positive, praising the tasteful gameplay.

It was released at a pivotal point in Microsoft's history, the same year as the antitrust court case United States v. Microsoft Corp., in which Bill Gates came under fire for unlawful business practices. Incriminating internal memos leaked later that year (describing plans to crush open-source and Linux) only added fuel to this fire. Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer were in such a pickle that they both talked privately of leaving their company.

The game comprises an RPG, several mini-games mocking Microsoft and Bill Gates (presented within the veneer of a now-ancient Windows 98 desktop), and recaps of the court case.

History[edit]

Winblows 98 was designed as a parody to Windows 98 when it became evident that simply increasing the digit after "Second Edition" without doing anything was not enough for stopping virii from plaguing the computer in, like, 10 hours.

It's better to say that Winblows 98 was not designed, and then a small company called Parroty Interactive went like, "Let's collect Windows 95, release it as 96 and make two of it as a game!" And this is how Star Warped and The X-Fools were born. Then they decided to add the Shaftbox, and the release was postponed for ten years. When the Shaftbox did come out, it turned to be Outlook Express 5 with a downgraded and uncustomizable user interface, because all these years they were busy making unfunny jokes. How convenient.

During all these years of hard work, Star Warped and The X-Fools both failed, and the Parrots almost gave up. When looking for a new parody, Parroty noticed that the new Windows OS (Windows 98) allowed the Windows box to look basically the same when upside-down. So they picked Windblows your mind 98.

Features[edit]

Not doctored either.

Multimedia[edit]

Windows Vista gets you closer to Hollywood than ever before. Before you can play a game on a Parroty Microshaft Winblows 98 system, you have to travel to Los Angeles to ask for permission from Tom Cruise's accountant in person, and only then can you fondle the hallowed bit of silver plastic into your computer.

Haha very FUNNY.

FUNNY[edit]

Perhaps the most anticipated new feature is the Fun Uno Not Not Yacking, or FUNNY. Previously known as the Microsoft EXPLOIT technology, it is only a 221 MB download for old OSes and is required for all Winblows-compatible applications to run. It was developed as a result of Microsoft's attempt to eliminate spyware. You put all your information in FUNNY, and instead of having spyware look for this, this application broadcasts the information for Microsoft. That way you get none of the slowdown from the traditional spyware programs. To repeat, not to be outdone by the 1337 script-kiddies, Parroty has bundled its own Spyware and Adware with Winblows 98. This software is a part of important Microshaft programs like Campus Cam, Bill's Personal Outlook, The Road Ahead, Shaftbox, Microshaft Anti-Spyware; and even that DOS compatibility layer and all the source code stolen from Linux, AmigaOS, OS/2, OpenBSD, Mac OS X, and other competitors' products. This way Parroty can spam and pwn Microsoft first.

Mail[edit]

Another good application is the C64 bundled Mail. Not only does this tie up phone lines (for those who still have to use dial-up), but it also makes sure that it dials the number that would be furthest away from your home area code. This was done in cooperation with Commodore. And people say that Parroty didn't collaborate with anyone.

Web Browser[edit]

The good old Internet Explorer is back at least, because Winblows always has a default browser and you can't change it! However, Winblows inherited the 9x's Internet Exploiter, which now has a name and is a separate OS. You may consider using it instead of Winblows, if you are crazy and have no hard disk drive.

You're also allowed to use Netscape Navigator if you can survive your head being replaced with money.

Billagotchi[edit]

Proper care for Bill involves lots of money.

Winblows includes a new type pet. The previous style, the Tamagotchi, was abandoned when the U.S. stopped trade with Japan. With Billagotchi, 99% of your processor time will be wasted on stupid jokes! At least it won't be wasted on nothing, namely, on a certain "System Idle Process".

When Parroty was asked why Billagotchi was introduced in Winblows, making it utterly useless for anyone who doesn't know what Ctrl-Shift-F9 is, they admitted that Ctrl-Shift-F9 is a developer function that will be disabled in the final release, as well as the ability to "net stop themes". Parroty also mentioned its plans for an "Billagotchi Captured", which consists of seminars where Parroty will explain why the Billagotchi is an integral part of Winblows 98.

MSTV Network[edit]

The last great feature in the parody is the TV. According to Bill Gates, the Chairman, it is going to buy every company out with this new technology. If only he knew. Not only will MSTV find videos to watch, it will look everywhere else for the files as well. This includes other networks, other systems, and especially the MSNBC programming from 1952.

Bill's Money[edit]

There is still money included in this Parody. Only with this one, no one needs to sign in, all they have to do is press the space bar. All Winblows-compliant keyboards are equipped to read the sweat on your fingers, then the OS allows you to go in to where you want to go. However, it is also a very temperamental type of program. If it can not read your sweat, it lets you in as a "super administrator" to check which one is yours and then lets you go to the right folders and information. This is a major advance in addressing security and resource issues in a "grab the money" environment.

Abort, Retry, Fail?

Detect "non-genuine" products
Gather user information and credit card numbers
Cripple core system components
Deploy legal team
Launch civil litigation

Estimated time remaining:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.

Installing Windows has never been easiereasy

All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.

Related technology:

Windows Product line:

This copy of Microsoft Windows is not activated.