“There is only one people: The German people. So everyone else can fuck off.”
“Work with me Dmitriy, don't halve your loaf of bread, by love of Mother Russia, we'll take Poland's food instead!”
Nationalism is the belief that, if you speak the same language and have the same strong cultural heritage as a large group of people, then it is your obligation to live with them and give zero shits about everyone else. Nationalism has been called by some, “The best thing to happen to bigotry since the scapegoat.” Some people do not understand the difference between Patriotism, Colonialism, and Nationalism. Those people are idiots and should remove their safety helmet and kill themselves promptly. Everyone else knows that Patriotism is why the Americans invaded Iraq, Nationalism is why Yugoslavia was a fun place to live in the 90s... Colonialism is just a sound fiscal strategy.
The Birth of Nationalism
Today it is widely held that Nationalism has been around as long as the French people have; as soon as the Vikings settled Normandy, other cultures began to unify under the banner of “Fuck the French, glad we're not them,” a sentiment that is still at the root of most nationalistic movements today.
There is another theory on how Nationalism began. Dr. Talibut Hickenbacher, an obscure historian who only leaves his house every few years to take a child bride (or do a History Channel interview), argues that while the French are an obvious catalyst for nationalistic tendencies, Nationalism began with the genocide of the Neanderthal by our human ancestors. Hickenbacher goes on to assure his audience that, "it's okay, we were better than those ugly rejects anyway."
Historians refute Hickenbacher's theory with the argument that while most good nationalistic movements have a genocide thrown in, it is mostly a side effect of the joy of being a nationalist... plus, there weren't French people back then.
The Rise of Popular Nationalism
Before the Great Land Giveaway of the 19th century, Nationalism was an isolated phenomenon that mostly took place amongst the Germanic, Slovak, or Klingon people. However, about the time that Europe started carving up Africa like a Christmas Roastbeast and Americans were finishing God's plan through benevolent expansion of the Philippines, areas populated by similar cultural heritages, but otherwise divided, began to set up and take notice; if they did not unify they would likewise be greeted with the firm and unwashed handshake of imperial oppression.
[side note: The one group of people that were safe from Imperialism were the Russians; no one is going to risk fighting a bunch of backwards, nothing-to-live-for, horse-eating, bear-huging cannibals for the most inhospitable and barren land to ever exist on Earth.]
Types of Nationalism
Normal Nationalism is the most socially accepted Nationalism. Nationalism is usually defined as "Normal" if it: Is based off of a pure hatred of the French people; is led by a demagogue or dictator, which falls under the Wasn't Me Act of 1919; and happened in the past, because that was a long time ago and we are cool now bro. Normal Nationalism is completely forgivable, as long as you are really, really sorry for it later.
Also known as any Religious movement ever, Religious Nationalism is a symptom of the disease known as Religion. Unlike Normal Nationalism, Religious Nationalism is unforgivable. Though such a downside can be remedied by a good PR firm (see Joseph Goebbels).
Some sociologists believe that Religious Nationalism was invented by nerdy Christian dudes to, "score hot, naïve, Asian tail." Opponents of this belief counter with, "That is ridiculous, my and Ling Su's love is real."
American Nationalism is also known as Patriotic Nationalism and, to the indoctrinated, Amurica! American Nationalists usually wave shotguns instead of flags. When they rally they hold a rifle in one hand and a shotgun in the other. it is possible that American Nationalism is simultaneously the safest and most dangerous type of Nationalism, due to the infighting between its political left and political right (the people in the moderate center are called expatriates). The world shudders to think about the inevitable day when America kills half its population and turns its sight on everyone else.
Socialist Nationalism excludes any group that is made up of capitalist swine. Socialist Nationalists know they are better because they unselfishly share in the resources, victories, and failures of other Socialist Nationalists. In this way, every member of the said movement is given the same opinion on how great they are via a central distribution agency that they have to stand in line for. The motto of the Socialist Nationalist is, "There can be no inequality if we all believe the same thing!"
This Brechtian form of Nationalism involves the dismantle of the theatre that is Nationalism and attempts to unify its people through a distancing effect. The world's leading authority and greatest proponent of Modern Nationalism has stated that, "Only when one strips bare the mass hysteria of Nationalism, revealing its message without window dressing, can they be aware of its call to action."
Most Modern Nationalist leaders are uncharismatic and intentionally tone down their speeches so that the people can really think about how much better they are than others. Modern Nationalist propaganda is notoriously unbelievable, usually captioned with an authorized disavowment of its intended message.
Postmodern Nationalism is harder to articulate than most other categories of Nationalism. Postmodern Nationalists slough off labels in an attempt to make their parents pay for missing piano recitals and society's inability to understand their art. Postmodern Nationalists are fickle, creating in-groups and out-groups with all the passing thought that a blue whale gives a barnacle. These Nationalists are usually niche, solitary creatures united by the internet. When asked in the comment section of her blog, Anyone Can Poet, one Millennial replied, "like, it is really hard to define, you know? Because labels are an illusion of an incomplete world. You can't put it in a box man. It is outside the box, right? Fuck the French."
Brown's Model of Nationalism
Brown's Model of Nationalism is a 3x3x2, or multi-tiered, 18 prong test for determining whether or not a movement can be defined as nationalistic or not. It was developed by Dr. James Seay Brown, the penultimate authority on all things the color brown and an avid Dr. Seuss enthusiast. It is the best model of Nationalism to date, due to the fact that it, "rarely shifts right to left, or turns in on itself."
- Common prescription for stupidity.
- Hickenbacher, Talibut (1995) Paleolithic Nation-Tribes and Diplomacy: How Ug Felled Oog. Cardboard Press.
- In Russia, asking, "horse or people," is much like an airline asking, "chicken or fish."
- What? scoff. No Nazis were Christian.
- Shklovsky, Gregor (1964). PBS Interview.
- It is also written in sharpie.
- Brown, James Seay. Guide to a Model of Nationalism (1970). Samford University Press.