Newfies

“And we thought we were hoseheads!”

~ Bob and Doug McKenzie on Newfies

“These pets be reet up me street”

~ Cheryl Cole on Newfies

Big Tom, the Newfie Messiah.

Newfie in space. Wanted me smokes.

Newfies bees dee inhabitants of Newfoundland, Canada. Dey bees dee hoserest of hockey loving hosers. If ya know anyting aboot moose, ye should come to St. John's.

Newfies be known for fooking der mudders and drinking Guinness with der by's.

It's a widely known fact that all Newfies are Cheryl Cole's cousins, this is evidented by the adorably pirate-like, incomprehensible way they speak. Some even believe Cheryl actually created Newfoundland and its inhabitants, much as Bjork created the cold little elves of New Bjork City.

The creators of Jersey Shore are hoping to make a series called Newfie Shore.

Newfies are considered a liability to Toronto Dominion Bank but the truth bees that dey are an asset to Canaduh and to dee world and dey bees hard workin' folks.

All newfies who don't lose they virginity beesfore the age of 14 are kicked off The Rock and exiled to British Columbia.

When a newfie turns retirement age he heads back to the rock fer a liver transplant and then heads out to George Street to end it all.

Newfie food

Newfies eat second breakfast and has it as often as they be gettin' it.

The Newfie food groups are potted meat, cod, beer and whiskey.

Newfies are fond of Caplin, Salt Beef, Cod Tongues, Seal Flipper, and something called a Scrunchion. Scrunchions may or may not be a type of wharf rat.

Characteristics of Newfies

• Are known for "havin' a time"
• Can fish bedder den ye
• Eats more fish than a cat
• Knows what Regatta Day is and takes it off even when living in Toronto
• Believe that Big Tom will rise from the dead
• Drink only the cheapest beer
• Must say b'y and "me son" a lot
• Learned to walk on George Street
• Calls girls "me duckies"
• Loves to party in the kitchen
• Can switch into ordinary Canadian English on a whim
• Must collect food stamps
• Uses the word fuck in every sentence
• Has at least one friend in Fort McMurray, Alberta
• Rude and snobby

Mating rituals

Unlike most other humans, Newfies have a weekly instead of monthly period. This means that Newfies are growing very quickly in population, and soon Alberta, and eventually, the Universe, will be populated only by Newfies and Geordies.

Generally speaking, mating happens after two pints of Guinness have been consumed by each party, and the term "Hows you gettin' on cocky?" has been uddered by the Newfie lass.

Da birf rate in Dildo Newfoundland is pretty low dere b'y cause sumtin keeps gettin in dere before 'er hubby gets 'round to'eet.

Important Note: Never says to a newfie chick "Wanna Gobble da Knob", They may initialy smile atcha, but da minute yee turns yer back *BANG*, she'll 'itcha wit a shuvel.

Recent report coming out of Conception Bay indicate that they are recording no births at all, yet everyone leaving Mary Browns feels pregnant after eating there.

Newfinese vocabulary

• Aye bai - i agree, yes
• Whaddayat - How are you?
• Ducky - my bitch or my ho
• Lord Tundering Jesus - the unique Newfie way to call upon Jeebus
• Cocky - man, from "penis"
• Townie - a city slicker (from St. John's)
• Stunned as me arse! - really, really fucking stupid
• What odds! - Who the fuck cares! Not me! Pass the Butter!

Famous Skeets

Newfoundland and Labrador has a low crime rate because the police refuse to do anything most of the time. The following is a list of people who get away with everything:

• Justin Toope

• Melissa Marie

• Rachel Peterson

• Melissa Long

• Kimberly Peddle

• Heather Guy

• Iona AH

• Kristyn Hackett

• Sarah Furlong

• Jenn Churchill

• Dawson Forsey

• Becca Wells

• Jessica Schiestel

• Luke Fogwill

• Gordon Hawkins

• Robyn Leonard

• Neil Snow

• Nicole Butler

• Kimberly Burke

• Mary-anne Churchill

• Holly Hanlon

• Sam Jordan

• Allie Hodder

• Melanie Valerie

• Melissa Guy

• Sherwin Flight

• Ashleigh Squires

• Nicole Oliver

• Jess Inkpen

• Ryan Lazzaro

• Alex Pulchan

• Sarah-Jean Pardy

• Jarrett Douglas Tibbs

• Alicia Dwyer

• Jessica M Kirby

• Matty Nolan

• Ashley MacDonald

• Glen Vokey

• Simon Foley

• Krista Quann

• Sarah Baslé

• Jazmine Mercer

• Adam Hall

• Erin Aylward

• Brittany Marie

• Jessany Hodge

• Soyoung Kim

• Adam Joseph Chafe

• Brittany Rowsell

• Kyle Lash

• Danielle Pearson

• Jessica Sweeney

• Melissa Pollard

• Ryan Downey

• Sophia King

• Mark Patrick

• Nick Battcock

• Michelle Wall

• Jared Fleming

• Alyssa Crocker

• Jaleesa Hawco

• Douglas Elton

• Brittany Rose

• Crystal Reardon

• Carol Lane

• Jessica Menchinton

• Amanda Atkinson

• Angela LeFeuvre

• Jonathan Piercey

• Susan Barney

• Erika Morgan

• Kyle Woodland

• Terri-Lynn Sears

• Travis Neary

• Sarah Halliday

• Stan Burke

• Lawrence Parrell

• Erica Quilty

• Brendan Stead

• Brent Martin

• Jeff Carroll

• Stephanie Mclean

• Jonathan Marshall

• Amy Grimes

• Amanda Johnson

• Becca Parsons

• Bradley Pike

• Emily Ball

• Veronica Hounsell

• Adrian Allan

• Laura Elaine Pye

• Nadine Stuckless Porter

• Sharon Nicole Tucker

• Amanda Oliver

• Mike Greeley

• Justin Murphy

• Don Legge

• Nick Quilty

• Conor James

• Rebecca Hickey

• Amanda Kearsey

• Chad Murrins

• Erika Alicia

• Daniel Thornhill

• Jack Hanlon

• Joe Luedee

• Bryan Tucker

• Shanea Murray

• Michelle Tucker

• Greg Mercer

• John Delaney

• Christopher McCarthy

• Samantha Clarke

• Adam Edward Lake

• Christopher Mullett

• Steph Deir

• Peter Dawe

• Jessica Sweeney

• Jaewhan Cheong

• Christopher Benoit

• Krista Legge

• Lindsey Furlong

• Jessie Nichole Strickland

• Nancy Cadigan

• Meghan Williams

• Nathan Janes

• Megan Ralph

• Jimmy Harvey

• Susan Rose

• Leeanne Danielle

• Kayla Barron

• Valerie Anstey Power

• Candice Glasco

• Caroline Davis

• Gregory Woolfrey

• Natashia Marie Parrell

• Kimberly Keeping

• Katie Best

• Carrie-Ann Bugden

• Matthew Osmond

• Sarah Rose

• Shannon Ash

• Jorden Stevens

• Demetris Stassis

• Charles Dooley

• Andrew Larizza

• Jessica Lake

• Christopher F. Chiesa

• William Feltham

• Sabrina Somerton

• Stephanie Lee

• Chad White

• Justin Sturge

• Carrie Rose

• Heather Watkins

• Joy Newhook

• Alex Penney

• Alex Gillespie

• Kjirsten Kylie Earles

• Jordan Dober

• Jessica McLeod

• Harry Hunt

• Joanne Gushue Adams

• Steven Fraser

• Brian Vardy

• Stephanie Lockyer

• Bev Wiscombe

• Samanda Stroud

• Bethany King

• Jessica Jacqueline

• Vera Lynn Greeley

• Faye Mercer

• Sheila Murphy

• Juliette Ryan

• David Murphy

• Vachon Noel

• Jess Bonnell

• Rebecca Sara

• Melissa Kieley

• Stacie Follett

• Andrew Rice

• Lola Mary Curtis

• Melissa Kieley

• Chloe Yetman

• Andrew Robert Fillier

• Liz Shallow

• Chad Scott

• Tash Dooley

• Heather Adams

• Ben Blackmore

• Kelley Hann

• Dianne Hussey

• Chelsea Hawco

• Josh Hachey

• Evan Wheeler

• Tyler Abbott

• Kurtis Baggs

• Daniel Efford

• Stacey Greeley

• Bill Taylor

• Lauren Collins

• Dennis Jones

• Ernest Comerford

• Ross Maloney

• Holly Melissa Gidge

• Joanna Bentum-Sharpe

• Gordie Dunphy

• Megan Gulliver

• Robbie Cumby

• Jessica Connors

• Richard R Whalen

• Josh O'shea

• Rebecca Harnum

• Jade Hibbs

• Ryan Dwyer

• Jonah Brown

• Kim Power

• Ashley Francis

• Lacey Alyward

• Coralie Shelley Bishop

• Melissa Somerton

• Paul Littlejohn

• Nikki Mclean

• Chris Squires

• Lesley Noseworthy

• John Michael Bennett

• Anastasia Belashov

• Stephanie Heffernan

• Brittany Quilty

• Evan McDonald

• Colton Kiev

• Tolson Barrington

• Ryan David Dale Hodder-Sturge

• Megan Quinlan

• Justin Sullivan

• Steven Jones

• Will S Johnstone

• Markus Rose

• Robert Rice

• Megan Pardy

• Kendal Sharpe

• Steven Neville

• Tracy Power-Smith

• Audrey Pope

• Matt Gushue

• Mike Whitten

• Toby Proctor

• Brandon Winter

• Cheryl Cormier

• Andrew Carter

• Amy Russell

• Meghan Paddon

• Chelsea Collins

• Angela Churchill

• Chloe Harris

• Allie Rose

• Chris Smith

• Freddie Hull

• Amanda Linthorne

• Amanda Lush

• Ron Ash

• Jared Rideout

• Erica Peddle

• Lisa Yvonne Smith

• Courtnie-Gina Manning

• Jess Collins

• Allie Hodder

• Erica K. Fultz

• Laura Stevens

• Jevon Marsh

• Wendy Somerton

• Mark W. Saunders

• Ashley Barron

• Robyn Piccott

• Shawn Ebsary

• Aaron Batten

• Nancy Weir

• Nick Greeley

• Kevin Wright

• Rosalind Ford

• Christine Langer

• Ty Ty Kev King-Howse

• Fred Hodge

• Alma Linda Howell

• Stephanie Mary Courtney

• Kim Kelly Ash

• Aaron Russell

• Amanda Best Parrell

• Tyler Burry

• Tyrone Goulding

• Mary J Wheeler

• Jeff Stoyles

• Dick Jarvis

• Belinda Jane White

• Gregory Martin

• Claire Dodge

• Devon Welsh

• Felicia Gosse

• Chris Butt

• Amanda Lush

• Kayla King

• Jimmy Harvey

• Nick Callahan

• Sandra Comerford

• Allie Hodder

• Brian Vardy

• Sabrina Camp

• Jackie Noftall

• Sean Rose

• Rodney Stafford

• Jeremy Whalen

• Kendall Bursey

• Megan Hounsell

• Ruby Sutton

• D'arci Sutton

• Stephanie Jack

• Corinna Francis

• Chris Porter

• Justin Sheppard

• Ashley Baird

• Kayla P Pardy

• Mandy Ellen Best

• Chad Hanlon

• Sean Pinsent

• Gary French

• Peter Zylbergold

• April Hearn

• Wes Edwards

• Kelsey Toope

• Kay Quick

• Chantal Frampton

• Patrick Sutton

• Vikki Reid

• Meghan Williams

• Sheldon Harvey

• Ky Foote

• Amanda Howlett

• Adam Jordan

• Kyle English

• Olivia Ash

• Robert Cumby

• Ryan Dwyer

• Stephanie Hoyles

• Mimi DP

• Donny Abbott

• Kim Barry

• Sandi Downes

• Desiree CN

• Stephanie Dawn

• Meagan Aylward

• Justin Harvey

• Aaron Greenham

• Robbie Baird

• Kourtney Sharpe

• Stephanie Dillon

• Moyles Benjamin

• Geraldine Littlejohn

• Lar O'Shea

• Rachelle O'Shea

• Kathy O'Shea

• Brendan O'Shea

• Christine O'Shea

• Kathleen O'Shea

• Eleanor Batten

• Norm Joan

• Clarence Reid

• Paul Norman Lake

• John Martin

• Terry Hearn

• Charlie Walsh

• Christine Walsh

Genesis in Newfinese

In dees beginnin' God made dee hevinz an dee world. Now dee earth was gettin' formless and empty aye bai, and darkness was over dee surface deep me son? Tundering Jesus' stun breeze was over da water me lad!

He say let there bees light me son! Aye bai, God say you knows yourself me, the light be luh good. Then he cuttin' dee light from the dark, ducky. God called dee light day and dark dee night, gwan bai! Now he havin' a time.

See also

• Canuck
• Geordie
• New Jersey
• Toronto