Norfolk
Norfolk is north of Suffolk which, for the benefit of any Norvicensians who may be able to read this entry, curiously happens to be south of Norfolk. For any Norvicensians who do not understand the meaning of 'Norvicensian' it means an inhabitant of Norfolk. But they are more commonly reffered to as "them Norfuckers" and generally considered to be Norfolk & good, especially in bed. Still better that than being called a Norfolkian! Norfolk contains 'a fine city' which goes by the name of Norwich (pronounced Naaridge in the common Norfolk dialect).
The other major city is Ankh-Morpork. There are probably other cities in Norfolk. Other places in Norfolk are Cromer (just) 'the gem of the Norfolk Coast', Sheringham (just) and Swaffham. Norfolk is far from the third world backwater it is stereotyped as. The first roads were built in 1999, giving people the chance to drive the most new fangled cars for the first time ever, rusty pickup trucks from the 70s and 80s are very popular.
The people of Norfolk no longer live in hand built shacks, many now live in caravans with all the mod cons, such as toilets, psuedo running water (the stream outback), and beds not made out of straw.
Police are very scarce in Norfolk, on average there is one police station for every 100 towns, thus should a crime aspire, the locals will round up a posse, and bring pitch forks and double barreled shotguns. Norfolk has the lowest crime rate in the country, mainly because there are not enough police to report it to. Those police who do work in the country are known to find it hard to climb high barriers, such as kerbs in petrol stations, without falling over and hurting themselves and claiming compensation from victims of crime - which is, perhaps, another reason why most locals avoid attempting to deal with them.
History[edit]
Norfolk shares a boundary with the uncharted swamps of Lincolnshire and is renowned for this and also being the refuge of those Lincolnians who have evolved beyond bestiality and incestual relations.
The Head of Norfolk is Delia Smith, born 1578, who is in fact immortal due to a hideous birthing defect and sitting on a canary. She led many brave, but purely stupid attempts to bring Lincolnshire into the modern world, always ending in defeat as the Norfolk men found themselves vomiting so hard at the sight of the mutated Lincolnshire "women" that they were unable to concentrate. In the longest battle known as the 31 minute skirmish of 1789 Delia fought relentlessly with her rusty pitchfork giving the mayor of lincolnshire a throrough rogering, which he enjoyed until he found that Delia was unrelated to him - therefore making sexual relations illegal under Lincolnshire law.
Notable people from Norfolk[edit]
- John Major, lives in Weybourne (he's the one with the glasses) where he enjoys the weekly 3-day raves, and is down with the homies getting himself some Es. It is often asked by Norfolk people whether the county is the bread basket of England, or the dustbin of London.
- Horatio Nelson, British admiral famous for his participation in the Napoleonic Wars, most notably in the Battle of Trafalgar, a decisive British victory in the war, during which he lost his life. And his car keys.
- Ben Mitchell briefly lived in Norfolk while hidin' from the Fuzz. He skipped town to Copenhagen soon after.
- Levi McCarthy The Norwich Hardman can't say much as I not too sure if he's still about.Mc Carthys cafe - was the best food in England at 2am. problem was every time you nearly got yours some big bloke said it was his, eventually you would eat at 4am - late supper or early breakfast.
Literary Heritage[edit]
Norfolk has boasted an exciting literary heritage since 2003 following the self-publication of Sean Wright's Jesse Jameson and The Golden Glow, an exciting novel about a girl who discovers she is a fairy which is in no way a poor attempt at cashing in on the Harry Potter phenomenon.
Capital City[edit]
The capital city of the county alternates between Ankh-Morpork and Norwich this being the cause of the bitter Canary War that has been ongoing since 1083. '.
World Records[edit]
Norfolk is also possibly known for holding the world record for most species of fish, with approximatly 23 million different species in the areas surrounding Norwich, King's Lynn and Great Yarmouth. It is commonly mistaken that the putrid stench comes from a local girl's open legs, however scientific evidence does in fact point out that such girls are immigrants from Essex and thankfully not really local.B&B
Norfolk also holds the world record for most tractors on a B road.They also hold the record for the biggest Tip The game of Football is Played In.
Norfolk has also just been nominated for another world record and this is for the most potholes ever recorded in a single year, if these were to be repaired properly it would almost double the national debt.
Tourism[edit]
Norfolk is a popular tourist destination and allegedly has several major examples of holiday attractions.[citation needed] There are many seaside resorts, including some of the less polluted British beaches, such as those at Great Yarmouth, Waxham, Cromer and Holkham bay. Norfolk is probably best known for the Broads and other areas of outstanding natural beauty and many areas of the coast are nudist colonies and human gaming reserves with some areas designated as National Parks such as the Norfolk Coast AONB. Tourists and locals are required by law to enjoy the wide variety of monuments and historical buildings in both Norfolk and the city of Norwich.
THE NORFUCK BROADS (Thas wot we cull em rond ere) The Norfuck Broads is the ideal place for a staycation boating holiday, especially if you live in a bedsit in a big city it will be home from home. The diesel fumes are second to none, the congestion at peak season compares very favourable with the M25, and the prices are out of this world. At precisely 3pm is when things get interesting, after a day of drinking and crashing into almost everything there is a mass rush to moor your boat at the prime spots, the ones near the eateries or toilets etc. This inevitably ends up with two near paralytic usually obese male members from opposing parties/boats backed up by their shrieking wife’s and children slugging it out on the bank for these prime spots. The losers is the one who missed hitting his opponent the most times and usually has to give way and let the victor have the mooring spot. Sometime it doesn’t get that far and the opponents ending up Semi- comatose lying on the bank is what looks like two walruses in some bizarre love making ritual. And if you are fortunate enough to have a lousy week weather wise, well there’s nowhere you rather not be. Oh happy days, never again.