Pearanormal
Pearanormal activity is a force to be reckoned with. Lurking in your pantry, Pearanormal activity comes in many different form of which all of them can substantially ruin your life. Unlike Paranormal activity, Pearanormal activity is based on fruit in your home. Having the wrong combination of these seeded creations can cause your kitchen, Internet , ironing board, finances, and social security number to become compromised to the point where you will be required to reinstall the electrical wiring in your home. This messy and complicated result comes from completely disregarding not truly understanding the basis, signs, and mechanics of Pearanormal activity in its entirety.
What is Pearanormal activity?[edit]
This question has been asked by many as to what it truly is. After many long years of research between established scientists on coffee breaks, university students at Yale University, Harvard University, Oxford University, and Texas Instruments (of whom have not received there final degrees yet), and the brilliant minds of the League of Nations (they started the research project first in order to indiscriminately waste conservatively invest reparation money from Germany), have all put time and energy into researching this phenomenon. The understanding of existence of Pearanormal activity has been build upon as researches begin to refine there understanding of it (such as Autism, Science, and Medicine) as to royally screw up generously help society.
Why does Pearanormal activity occur?[edit]
As far as the point of why exactly Pearanormal activity occurs, your guess is about as good as mine. However the answer as to why it occurs comes with a much lesser of a sub-par response. When you completely disregard your fruit in your pantry, cabinet, counter-top, fruit bowl, garbage disposal, or under your table (see Grape), you are inciting Pearanormal activity. This part of the equation as to it's existence has been verified specifically by the students of Texas Instruments as a load of bullshit factual. This means that your neglected fruit sitting under your table, in your kitchen, and other indiscriminate places could possibly right now be morphing into the Pearanormal stage.
What does it do?[edit]
Well, to be quite honest, the coffee-break scientists never got the documentation from the League of Nations before they disappeared. This leaves many holes in the story as to what it does. However, the Yale students discovered this after many a few dorm parties. Pearanormal activity consists of the following:
Effects**:[edit]
- Creation of spores
- Se-creation of spores
- Spontaneous creation of strange beings
- Demonic summoning of fruit flies
- Mushing of the mass of the said fruit
- Normal decomposition
- Destruction of surrounding environments
- Michael Bay explosions
(**Please note: these effects can occur in any particular combination, quantity, quality, or rendition of said affects.)
How does all of this affect me?[edit]
That is the one million dollar question that the coffee-break scientists have intentionally unintentionally procrastinated since 1958 to discover; since more important things have come up (such as Global warming, Ebola, the Soviet Union, and Cancer) that have distracted them. However once these noble issues have been addressed, the irrelevant relevant data collected by Oxford University can be verified. This data collected accurately relates to each and every person as to how it affects them.
The affect of Pearanormal activity can lead to wreaking your life. The first affect of it is your precious Kitchen, of which will be infested with many of the Pearanormal Spirits. They will cause you to burn water when boiling pasta, burn toast when taking the bread out of the bag, and cause you to become mortally wounded with that dull butter knife you have never used since you first moved into your house. This first stage can be deadly and extremely hazardous to klutzy people and/or specific members of legislative bodies (see United States Congress for more incoherent pertinent information).
The second stage moves on to your Internet. When you turn on your computer, you will be forced to use Internet Explorer 3, of which will completely destroy your beautiful Chrome, Firefox, or Sherlock browser setup. The only way to reverse this is to be scammed willingly purchase and install the Norton Virus Anti-Virus that no-one everyone writes rave reviews on. Once you use it to permanently dick over repair your computer, you may uninstall the program and move to a far superior competing brand such as Kaspersky, Bit-Defender, Malware Bytes, or McAfee if you desperately yearn for so choose to.
The third, fourth, and fifth stages of Pearanormal activity always occur within a 24 hour period (which is disgusting when you think about it). Untrustworthy Credible Harvard students who did not attend dorm parties discovered the last three stages while preparing to go to dorm parties. Stage three, occurring with the sole intention of messing up your ironing board, will cause you great distress when it purposefully collapses as you sit on it, and the hot iron next to you falls on your lap and burn your pants or skin. However, if you do not own an ironing board and leave your home like a slob slightly rumpled, sometimes the Pearanormal Spirits will make your car stop working. Subsequently, the damage, (cause by either your ironing board or car), will wreak your finances by providing you enough bills to rival the U.S. National Debt Card. The stage four financial ruin will run right into stage five, where the businesses that have your credit card will somehow nab your unprotected Social Security Number and bleed your hardly working backside dry of all equity in your home, money in your 401.5k, and your entitled money.
Once stage five is complete, the Pearanormal Spirits will cease to haunt you, and will seek out other eligible fruit in homes where they are neglected. These stages and affects are how the Pearanormal Spirits attack each and every victim.
How do I identify Pearanormal Fruit?[edit]
This is the two million dollar question (the million dollar one was too small of a loan). However below is a complete guide to identifying both the effects, affects, and exasperating dull finer points of pearanormal fruit.
Pears[edit]
Pears themselves were the basis for the discovery of this abstract occurrence. In 1921, Woodrow Wilson discovered a pear that had been sitting out to long on his counter-top. The pear itself was in a state of limbo between the complex scientific processes of 'mushification' and 'bayformation' (See effects in the article for more information on these), and was extremely scared. Wilson ran out to his car with the pear inside of his briefcase, and went to complain to the League of Nations. Three days later, he left the White House. However this last minute request started the research on the Pear by the indiscriminately waste conservatively invested funds of the League. This allowed the process to begin.
It was found that the sugar molecules in the fruit for an unknown reason was having its carbon atoms replaced with a more silicon-based replacement, spliced into the chemical composition in order to stabilize every protein, sugar, and lipid in the pear's body. This led to the creation of the first pearanormal fruit, and the cursed cycle began. Once the pear becomes silicon based, the spirit is produced. It then can inhabit any neglected fruit that exists and take it over, however other fruits can create there own spirits.
Apples[edit]
Apples are the second most notorious fruit to be haunted with pearanormal activity. The process of the Apple 'pearanormalizing' usually consists of it growing a lump on its head and turning green (if the apple is green, it will turn a darker shade of green). This is known as the 'Envious Apple Syndrome', or sometimes is referred to as 'mutated', however this elevated scientific jaggerion usually confuses the general populous, so 'EAS' is usually what it is referred to. When the apple EAS's, it is similar to a PMS, simply because the abbreviation has an 's' in it.
When the apple strikes, you probably will not be expecting it when you go to eat the apple, until you bite into that brown mushy crap in the center. Yes, decomposed cells, the beginning of the cycle. If you do not spit out the corrupted cells, then you should probably pray for a quick death, and prepare for the affects of a pearanormal apple. (See Food Poisoning)
Grapes[edit]
The coffee-break scientists once more pulled a mirical with the discovery into pearanormal activity. Grapes themselves were a mystery, until a stoned enlightened scientist by the name of Sigmund Freud found enough spare time to laugh is ass off intriguingly investigate the Pearanormal Grape for a few minuets several days, and came up with the theory we now entirely disregard wholeheartedly embrace as "PGT", or "Pearanormal Grape Theory".
Simply, when the grape roles under a table, it enters an altered state of reality, called being ignored. This leads to it absorbing everything around it, including dust. Soon, it gains to much dust and starts to change colors, similar to a chameleon, but then again the complete opposite of one, as it can not change back. This leads to it going 'pearanormal', of which it achieves it's final form and gains 20 xp and you step on it Michael Bay's on you into a explosion of fiery grape.
Peach[edit]
Peaches, one of the strangest fruit, react in a unusual way. If you see tiny creatures coming out of your fruit with cloths on and an ability to communicate with you, it is advised that you error on the safe side of caution and GET THE HELL AWAY FROM IT! The peach's 'pearanormalizing' process goes straight to the spontaneous generation of these creatures. This is one of the absolute dumbest scariest things that can happen to you. All you can do is throw the peach away and hope the termite juice in your walls eventually gets them. However, a solution to this is to use a can of Raid, which you can find at your local hardware, convince store, or grocery store for $12.35 .
What can I do?[edit]
Simply, there are a few simple countermeasures you can take to help you prevent pearanormal activity.
The first is to always have a first aid kit. You can not tell when it will strike, but when it does, you might want to have a way to stop the profuse bleeding that will occur from that dull butter knife. This might not save you entirely, but it is worth a try.
The second is to keep your fruit where you can see it. Put the fruit on ice so that the fruit will be so focused on shivering, that it will not summon pearanormal spirits. Do not store the fruit in your refrigerator or freezer, as it could be ignored, and once more you will summon these ridiculous disturbing spirits.
The third is the lest intuitive, but least most well respected step. DO NOT BUY FRUIT. It is that simple! You constantly buy fruit and all you do is summon spirits to constantly dick you over. Your own demise is brought by your general lack of intelligence to either keep your house clean or actually go ahead and EAT THE DAMN FRUIT YOU BUY. Refrain from purchasing any seeded plants that are available for human consumption. This also must be coupled immediately with the fourth protective countermeasure.
The fourth and last countermeasure is to buy garlic. Similar to the [[|Vampire|Vampire Principle]], Pearanormal Theory states broadly specifically that pearanormal spirits HATE garlic. When Yale University discovered this, they covered there entire dorm with garlic. Aside from normal decomposition, the study seemed to end in mystery, as they could not accurately collect date due to a massive ammount of rotting garlic in there dorm a lack of sleep. However, this groundbreaking failure study led to the furthering the development of the pearanormal understanding. So these pioneers have lead you to the last and best countermeasure of all, garlic. Buy enough to screw up your nose thoroughly cover your home.
Is there anything else I should know?[edit]
If you wish to read more on this, you need to directly contact Yale, Oxford, Harvard, and Texas Instruments in order to receive the findings. That will allow you to further understand how Pearanormal Theory is constructed. Please also note that you will require a third grade education a PHD in none many of the sciences. However the information is quite incoherent and you should be capable of understanding the basis of this simpleminded complex theory.
See also[edit]
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