Self-immolation
“I'm gonna set myself on fire”
“I'll set myself on fire”
“"Self-immolation" sounds like a crazy fetish name. Let's all go to fire dances!”
Self-immolation is a deadly mental illness that makes one to set themself on fire.
People first douse themselves with a flammable liquid, such as petrol. One can use acetone, benzene, methanol or any other flammable liquid for extra fun. They lit a match or lighter. And then the hot fun starts! Some bystanders may try to extinguish the fire- end the fun, but you can also set them on fire!
Due to heavy odour of burnt flesh[1], a self-immolation might be mistaken as a grill party from far. I'm just telling you what people say how it smells like, do not ever eat a self-immolator.[2]
History[edit]
The first self-immolator (thought to be Jaz Coleman) was a person who has seen that fire can actually kill someone, thought if he could perform it on himself. He first collected tree branches[3] in a place that he could easily get to, he sat on the branches and set them on fire. The aftermath is unknown if he died or not.
The action of self-immolation was popularised in 1963 by a bald guy sitting on ground[4]. Everyone later copied him like he was the first self-immolator ever. Self-immolation is for everyone; gender, age[5], sexuality etc. doesn't matter. Just be brave and don't be afraid of fire.
According to the German historian Till Lindemann, the first self-immolation was done "accidentally" by a kid who was set on fire while playing with matches home alone.[6]
Etymology[edit]
The word immolation was meant to mean "to sacrifice". Till Lindemann came up with the idea that immolation can also be used for "destroying with fire", to promote his pyromaniac metal band Rammstein.
Science[edit]
According to science, human body is composed of many organic compounds called fat-ass acids which can be combusted, hence humans are combustible. Chlorine trifluoride, God of the oxidisers, can be used in self-immolation since large amounts of ClF3 can even ignite human tissues!
Most common mistakes in self-immolation acts[edit]
Self-immolation requires bravery, that's not "just a suicide method"[7].
- Fear of fire: if you're going to be scared of YOUR body being on fire, maybe self-immolation is NOT for you.
- Nylon, Spandex and Polyester: such type of mistake usually happens in chemistry-ignorant individuals; the heat of fire can MELT synthetic fibres on your SKIN and leave plastic remains that are hard to remove. Remember kids: Always wear natural fibres while self-immolating for a bigger and hotter fire.
- The setting: if you want attention for your self-immolation act, you will need a crowded place. However, you should be aware that people may try to EXTINGUISH fires. Don't worry, they are regular people who don't know anything about putting out fires.
Extreme bodily harm[edit]
Not only Self-immolation burns you, it also roasts your insides. Most of the self-immolators suffer varying degrees of burns (usually third) all over their bodies. Most of them get >75% burns and spend a few days, or hardly ever a week, in hospital. The heat also boils the water in your body.
Duration[edit]
As your whole body is on fire, you wouldn't last long. The duration really depends on things like your resistance to pain, reaction of the people, the type and amount of the fuel, weather, the current president of your country and your sexual orientation. For a shorter and effective self-immolation, inhale the fumes.
Flammable liquids[edit]
People commonly use petrol (flash point -43°C) for their self-immolations. I've heard of people using kerosene (basically aeroplane fuel). But there are MANY flammable liquids you can use. Here I listed some:
- Acetone, flash point -20°C
- Methanol and Ethanol, flash point 11-12°C
- Formic acid, flash point 69°C
- Dichloromethane, autoignition temperature[8] 556°C
Why you should try this out?[edit]
Political protest[edit]
While there are harmless and actually meaningful methods of political protest, you can light yourself on fire because it's extremely painful, hot and you want to be on news.
For the pain[edit]
“AAAAAAAAA... HOLY SHIT, I'M... I'M ON FIRE! I'M BURNING! IT HURTS! AAAAAA..! PLEASE HELP, I REGRET DOING THIS! IT HURTS SO MUCH! I'M BURNING!”
During self-immolation, you're LITERALLY ON FIRE! Your whole body IS COMBUSTING! Your insides are being ROASTED. You're in EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
Arson was not enough[edit]
If you have set many things on fire and can't find anything else to set fire to, you may try setting yourself on fire.
Future[edit]
Self-immolation has been listed as a mental illness in 2077, after the global realisation of this extreme attention-seeking behaviour.
Experimental self-immolation[edit]
Since making fires had been forbidden in the 25th century, people self-immolated without fire. They used different methods[10] that cannot be mentioned before they happen.
Conclusion[edit]
Congratulations for emitting carbon dioxide, sulphur dioxide and another combustion products into air. Your contributions to global warming will not be forgotten.
Survival chance[edit]
Self-immolation has a low chance of survival, less than 30 per cent of self-immolators can survive. If your insides weren't roasted enough, you may survive. But your outsides are still roasted[11].
See also[edit]
- ↑ Several people who have witnessed self-immolations, define it as "strong odour of burnt flesh". I'm not making it up!
- ↑ Because no one likes burnt meat, ew!
- ↑ Basically, a pyre.
- ↑ He didn't scream, stand up, resist or do something. Just sat there and burnt. He was probably a masochist!
- ↑ The youngest self-immolator was a 12-year-old kiddo and the oldest was an 82-year-old woman.
- ↑ Rammstein's "Hilf Mir"
- ↑ Well, it actually is a suicide method, but a HARDCORE one. Oh god!
- ↑ The temperature where chemicals set themselves on fire
- ↑ Jaz Coleman.
- ↑ too much masturbation
- ↑ Burnt.