Shants
Shants, sometimes called convertible shorts or zip-offs, are a pair of long pants with a zipper at the knee, allowing them to be converted into shorts. This design allows for increased versatility in variable conditions. The item became very popular amongst Hollywood types - though they called them 'Capri Pants' to sound sophisticated. Grace Kelly never took hers off until she married Prince Rainier of Monaco and then was obliged to burn her old clothes as an act of penance.
Since then 'Shants' or 'Capri Pants' have become a very popular item of clothing, especially for those involved in the delivery trade. Check the next time you receive a parcel or a pizza and see what they are wearing.
History[edit]
The term "shants" (a portmanteau of shorts and pants) is used idiomatically in some regions, such as the smelly hick region of Ladner, British Columbia. Shants were originally developed for use while hiking, allowing the user to switch between pants and shorts as the weather changes. Material to make shants can be commonly found in the Andes of Columbia. Shants were first developed by Hugo Boss after receiving the following letter:
"Once I sucked a baboon nipple for fifty cents.Twas hot shit. Now make me a pair of pants that zip off at the knee B-I-itch.
Sincerely, Jaffrey Dahmer, the Unibomber."
At the time, Hugo Boss, the Boss of Hugo Boss made an attempt to cover up the origin of shants because there was some public discontent for Jeffrey Dahmer. During an interview that took place the year shants were released to the public, he was asked why he made such an innovative piece of clothing. In response, he simply stated "ferda, u know" instead of revealing the actual reason. It wasn't until 1998 that the letter was disclosed by leakchap, the predeccesor to wikileaks. While this created some controversy, it ultimately helped to inflate the sales of shants as Jeffrey Dahmer rose in popularity and became a national hero for his exquisite culinary skills.
This style of pants was Internationally banned in 1964 for importing cocaine by filling the lining with millions of dollars worth of coke. In response to the ensuing public uproar, which led to several worldwide riots, most notably being the Winnipeg Shants riots, the UN promptly removed the ban. Since the late 1990's, shants have become a casual fashion item and are a part of high-school popular culture. They were popularized by Toof in the time between the second and ninth grade, getting him undocumentedly massive amounts of poon. After a period in which shants experienced a lull in popularity in the early 2000's, shants made a return in Delta Secondary School when the school's rugby team heard just how much poon Lawrie received as a result of his extremely fashion-forward shants. Shants are typically available in a variety of styles and colors. Historically, khaki shants have been the best-selling style due to the camouflage functionality they provide.
Military Significance[edit]
Shants were first used in battle by the American Army Rangers in the Nam "conflict". The man who was the first to use them was none other than Forrest Gump. He was quoted as saying,
"Shants done allowed me to save Lieutenant Dan and two others that nobody knows the names of. Unfortunately, they got caught on a tree and the Viet Cong done shot my buttocks and killed my best good friend Bubba.
All Nam amputees are now legally allowed to say "Back in Nam", so long as they are wearing shants.
Bulletproof shants were also reported to terrify the poop out of the Charlies.
During the so-called Nam "conflict," veteran Lionel Anilingus used shants to save his life. Lionel was lying down on a field when a small grenade was thrown up his pants by a level 73 grandmaster. Luckily, he was able to quickly unzip the bottom half of his shants and return the grenade with a 360 noscope. If Mr. Anilingus was wearing regular pants, it is unlikely that he would have been able to remove said explosive device.
Sports[edit]
Shants are popular in sports such as hiking, hunting, grinding, square dancing, bowling and wheeling. Shants are useful in such sports because of the relative ease in switching between shorts and pants in a short amount of time.
The first time shants appeared on international television was in the 1976 Olympic Games when American athlete Bruce Jenner zipped them off mid-race, thus zipping into an undeniable lead. He then covered up his blatant homosexuality and married a famous troll, otherwise known as Kris Jenner. The two then had many children with frighteningly massive gluteus maximi.
Despite all this, the "Practice Incident" is often regarded as shants most controversial appearance in sport. When NBA star Allen Iverson was seen during a practice wearing shants, journalists were so astonished at how fashionable he was that they began to question him interviews solely on him wearing shants in practice. To all this he replied angrily "We sittin' here, I sposed to be the franchise playa' and we in here talkin' bout' practice. I mean we talkin' bout' practice! Not a game, not a game, not a game, we talkin' bout' practice". This phrase also went on to win the Sylvester Stallone Award for Eloquence.
Shants in Religion[edit]
Shants have made many numerous appearances in religious texts over several millennia. They are often regarded as one of the most recognizable religious symbols; similar to the Christian Cross, the Islamic Crescent Moon and the Jewish Star of David. They are usually described as 'breeches' rather than 'shants'. In one Bible edition it is said Adam and Eve made the very first pairs of shants when they became aware they were naked. In Genesis the line is:
"..and when they saw they were stark naked, Adam ordered Eve to weave them both shants to cover up their shameful regions..and God said He was pleased.."
Jesus is said to have worn a pair of shants on the Cross but later writers changed this to a white loin cloth.
Philosophical Implications[edit]
The wearing of shants has caused many philosophers to rethink the very basis of existentialism and epistemology at a fundamental level. This is because pants were long accepted as being a staple of life and unchangeable. The very notion that they could be changed into something else was considered witchcraft by the gay porn community. As philosopher Aristyronel said "Mayne, dafuq is this shit? I thought those were pants nigga, now they're shorts! No wonder Laquisha left me. What even is reality, what is knowledge?"
Shants in Popular Culture[edit]
This is the first verse of the shants song, a parody of the safety dance.
We can shants if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends wear pants
And if they don't shants
Well they're no friends of mine
Say, we can go where we want to
With shants there's chicks to grind
And we can act like we come from out of this world
No shants, you're one far behind
We can shants, we can shants
Everybody zip off your pants
We can shants, we can shants
Chicks checkin out your shaaaaants
It's the shants dance, it's my shants dance
Go buy some shants, never take them offfffff
Shants was also the subject of an adult film titled Wet for Shants. The film starred Chaz Boner and Lana Wachowski and grossed more than six million dollars at the box office.