Shining Knight
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This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
Shining Knight is some poor excuse by those anti-British bastards at DC Comics to rake in a little money from abroad, using the old knights because they think that new superheroes are too good for Great Britain, all because the British Empire lasted longer than the American Empire.
Origin[edit]
Initially designed as a cockney chimney sweep and singing shoe shining squire; Shining Knight was considered too racist for even the super friends. DC Comics have always believed that America is best and the rest of the world is worst. They've always hated the British because they know that they thought of better heroes in books that don't get insulted like their creations. In an effort to compete with this, Shining Knight was created and later became a spoof of British culture while using Knight Watchman of Big Bang Comics as a template.
Character History[edit]
Having failed as a Peasant, a Chav and a Milkman, Sir Justin decides to become a Knight instead, serving as a backup knight at Camelot, hence why he doesn't appear in Arthurian legend. He heads to Scotland and gets frozen in ice.
When America began to take over the British Empire after World War Two in it's bid to take over The World before the Soviet Union did, they enslaved the Scots and forced them to mine out the ice in the Highlands for ice-cubes. Shining Knight is among them, and becomes a reserve member for the Justice League. After that, he's never seen again because DC Comics want to make sure no British character ever takes the spotlight for one single issue.
Superpowers and Weakness[edit]
With his so-called "magical armour" (what a load of Yankee baloney!), Shining Knight is stronger than usual and can carry a three-ton sword without breaking his wrists. His major drawback is anything American. Being a Brit, any form of Americanisation (or for you Yanks, watching episodes of Friends, drinking a Budweiser or having a Stars-and-Stripes on every corner) can seriously affect his powers, which can only be cured by singing Land of Hope and Glory at the top of his voice.
Enemies[edit]
- America - Who enslaved him
- George W. Bush - Who colonised his homeland
- George Washington - Who placed America in chaos by breaking away from his true masters
- Steven Spielberg - Who blew War of the Worlds out of all proportion
- Batman - Who ripped off Sherlock Holmes
- Tom Cruise (This isn't anti-American, practically everyone hates this guy)
Notable Issues[edit]
None, as DC Comics is too American to see any significance of a British character and so hasn't used Shining Knight for anything worth mentioning on Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia or the BBC. In the 80's Alan Moore tried reinventing Shining Knight in a 12 issue run of illuminated manuscripts as a moonshiner with a Thompson sub machine gun sent back in time to King Arthurs court. Unfortunately the decision to have Augustinian monks pen each issue individually and gold gilding lead to production costs higher than the annual budgets of most third world nations, ultimately resulting in D.C.'s liquidation to Euro Disney.