Steve McQueen
Steve McQueen is an American actor, founding member of the Pantheon of American Heroes, and artist (his art is cool). He is coincidentally the King of Cool. He is responsible for the resignation of Nixon, the butterfly effect, and the inherent coolness of a motorcycle.
His arch-nemesis is Jay Leno. He also has a well-nursed hatred of nerds.
Birth[edit]
Steve McQueen was not born... at least not in the usual sense of the word. He has no parents. Rather, the sky turned dark like Ray-Ban sunglasses, the air became cool, and a meteor fell from the sky leaving behind a smoking trail that vaguely resembled the American flag. This meteor was witnessed by a young John "Fitzy" Kennedy, who vowed on the spot to emulate what he had seen... except as a liberal.
A fully-grown being rose from the smoking crater of the meteor, clad in boots, a pistol in a shoulder holster, a turtleneck, jeans, a leather jacket, Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and a cigarette in his mouth. He promptly lit the cigarette off the burning embers of the meteor. Yes, even at the beginning, McQueen knew the meteor-lit cigarette is the coolest cigarette.
Naming[edit]
McQueen's arrival on this earth had been so sudden that he had failed to think of a name. He immediately began to think of names based on the things around him. "Bush", "Peach Tree", "Bum" and "Dog". All were dismissed, although "Dog" was in the running up until the very end. It's not entirely clear how McQueen chose the name "Steve", but the commonly held theory is that since Steven means "crown", and McQueen was obviously the king, he took the name for his own. However, many McQueenologists are quick to point out that it's "Steve", and "Steven" is exactly a cool name. There are plenty of cool Steves, but very few cool Stevens. They counter-theorize that it's the "n" that makes things uncool, and thus McQueen chose the name because "crown" without an "n" is "crow"... and it gets complicated from there. There are others that counter that he didn't take the "n" from McQueen's end, and yet was still as cool. Every year the different groups construct motorcycles to see who is coolest, and therefore right. For some reason, not a single group has managed to qualify as cool.
McQueen was constructed the following way. The newly monikered Steve learned of Scottish people, and decided that the "Mc" thing was much cooler than anything that didn't have it. And he quickly learned that kings were coolest of all. So he named himself Steve McKing. However, he sat down to play a game of chess, and learned that the Queen is better than the King, so he renamed himself Steve McQueen.
McQueen: Inventor[edit]
Cool[edit]
McQueen is inherently cool. There's no other way to say it. The meteor: cool. The look: cool. The name: cool. Eventually, people just got sick of not being like him and they invented a word for what they felt like. "Uncool". Steve McQueen is cool because he graduated Alma Mater from the University of Antarctica
The Motorcycle[edit]
McQueen was experienced with the use of cars, and is widely believed to have given Henry Ford the blueprint for the car, a 1969 Camaro Z28. Of course, McQueen's drawing was too cool for Henry Ford. Ford, widely acknowledged by historians as the original nerdy auto class teacher, was unable to produce a contraption of parallel cool to McQueen's original blueprint. Instead of the first car being the muscle car, Ford created the Model T. This is widely believed to have been a major setback 20th century society, and many trace all the succeeding problems to Ford's Failure.
With the failure of the car, McQueen realized that he could trust no one with the invention of his next cool idea. McQueen began construction of the motorcycle alone, except for the group of scantily clad ladies who watched him build it, all of them extremely turned on by the work.
The original motorcycle was so loud many of the ladies lost their remaining clothes. It is said that the fire that left the exhaust was so bright the neighborhood McQueen was working in was blinded. Many never recovered, and forever after words claimed that their last sight had been true cool. Jay Leno arrived to see what McQueen had been working on, but McQueen threatened to shoot him if he didn't leave. Leno left, but not without first vowing to get his own motorcycle to rival McQueen. Thus began their long rivalry.
This McQueen realized that no other motorcycle could ever reach the pinnacle of coolness that he had created, because it would kill anyone short of McQueen. Instead, he passed his concept on to his disciple Harley Davidson, who invented the first motorcycle regular people could use.
McQueen: Actor[edit]
McQueen's various exploits in acting have been widely received as some of the coolest acting ever. McQueen has influenced actors from James Dean to Bruce Willis to... well, there really aren't cool guys anymore.
The Great Escape[edit]
McQueen's masterpiece is the Great Escape, in which he almost exclusively acted in every role, including the Germans. He only required some assistance from his part time vigilante justice partner, Charles Bronson. The plot is an autobiographical account of how McQueen allowed himself to be taken prisoner by Germans during World War II. Later, he escapes along with the rest of the prisoners. He somehow found his way into Stalag 17, where he kills the blond dude who's a German spy. Getting on a motorcycle he drives straight to Berlin, leaving behind a trail of death, broken prisons, and heartbroken/pregnant women.
In Berlin, he rides into Hitler's private offices, and forces the Nazi leader to sign an admission of being a coward, an all around idiot, and a nerd. He takes the confession and leaves Hitler alive, knowing full well Hitler's fate: to die totally uncool, with a suicide pill.
The movie fades out with McQueen asking a young Arnold Schwarzenegger which way the Swiss Border is. He then turns his motorcycle around and heads in the opposite direction, to fight the commies.
Other Movies[edit]
McQueen has also acted in movies such as Bullitt. It was admired by critics for revealing so much about McQueen's everyday life. The car chase scene through the streets of San Francisco was in fact McQueen evading and then hunting down the only two uncool bastards in the city. Enraged, but still totally cool, McQueen forced the two uncool men to drive into a gas station where the resulting coolness made the gas station explode instantly. It is a documentary, but of course, we never see any scenes where McQueen is uncool. He even rocks the paisley pajamas.
He also shot Elie Wallach, but it wasn't for a movie. Clint Eastwood asked him to.
Nixon's Enemies List[edit]
President Richard Nixon placed McQueen on his enemies list, and when McQueen discovered this, he flew off the handle. He rode his motorcycle to Washington DC, and signed his name in mud on the White House lawn with his motorcycle. He also drew an American flag on the lawn after the "n" in McQueen. He then shot up the windows and let the drapes on fire. Nixon's wife was very angry at Nixon, since she had a special fondness of McQueen. Nixon resigned the following evening, realizing the sheer extent of his mistake.
McQueen: The End?[edit]
No one is sure just what happened to McQueen, but legend tells that one night, he and his motorcycle disappeared, leaving the cars of his neighbors in flames. It's well documented that McQueen was immortal and impossible to wound. This leaves many to believe that McQueen simply grew tired of the uncoolness of this planet, and left just as suddenly as he had come.
Others say he is still out there, hunting nerds and Jay Leno.
Super Hero Team[edit]
Steve McQueen is part of, but not the leader of, The Somewhat Magnificent Seven. The Seven includes: Ewan McGregor, John Wayne, Ron Perlman, Steve McQueen, Tim Allen, John C. McGinley, and Paul Newman. The Seven are known to have defeated the evil Dr. Dick Cheney and Captain Mildly Mannered. The Seven have a secret base inside of a Wal-Mart at New York City. Their leader is the undead Robert Redford, who used to be a member but then accidentally shot himself with a bazooka. The team only accepts missions from Redford and no one else; however, due to his being dead and all, they haven't worked in years.