UnNews:Africa makes "Hungry Hungry Hippos" a national sport

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Friday, April 19, 2024, 11:37:59 (UTC)

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21 June 2013

Local African participating in life-sized Hungry Hungry Hippos. Note the Shell symbol, those jerks probably helped fund this.

South Africa, Africa --

Africans everywhere are now cheering in celebration for their newly approved national sport: "Hungry Hungry Hippos." The original table top game made by Hasbro was the prime base of this new life-sized version. And is Africa's new way of population, feces, and parasite control as well as limiting animal violence. The game consists of four hippos being placed into a large square pen with several African citizens placed inside. The pen is then locked, and the hippos are purposely agitated by means of either anal probing, yelling, or locals trying to sing songs by the Beatles.

The Hippos then charge at the penned Africans, and it is a race for survival. The people-made-food are to then run as fast as they can and attempt to not be eaten or mauled by the angered animals while spectators watch the event, often to the distress of the people inside the pen, the spectators will throw items at the hippos to piss them off further. Most of the civilians are killed and eaten whole by the hippos; Those that survive are fed to Simba. The local's have told us that "Yo our Government wants us to be closer to animals man. And being up in their stomach is as close as you can get brotha. Better then hunting those Elephants tho."

This new sport as raised questions of human rights violation, and when Barack Obama, President of the United States, was asked if American military should step in, he simply stated. "Nah yo, it's all good in our hood man. We got dis under control, be arming Syrian rebels and tapping phone calls. America ain't need to do jack shit homie. Hey yo, this ain't Africa's first time of abusing people; those crazy brothas be seeing a preschool like it's a barracks or something man."

Another raised question is why the Shell logo was seen in the large pen. And now most people are wondering of Shell Gasoline has anything to do with funding or helping inspire this sport. If so, being an American-based country, Shell could be legally fined ten thousand billion dollars in human rights violations as well as be banned from the market itself.

Sources

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.