UnNews:Animals to become Wi-Fi hotspots

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Thursday, June 24, 2021, 06:15:59 (UTC)

Animals to become Wi-Fi hotspots UnNews Logo Potato.png

21 February 2015

Horses provide the fastest download speeds

LONDON, England -- Nature is soon to become Net-ure, as the US and UK collaborate with Guns 'n' Ammo subscribers to make animals WiFi hotspots.

Just as Google gathers images for Street View, a special group of volunteer camouflaged subscribers to the famous weapon magazine will tirelessly roam the land looking for “all creatures great and small” to shoot with a dart containing a nano-hotspot.

When a user comes in range of, say, “Mr Chaffinch”, a map on the free iNature app has a little flower that opens, indicating the animal’s name, location and can even stream the audio from each little bird that "sings" via a hidden microphone. The IA eventually hope to add video in glowing color, and control their tiny wings; like cute little eco-friendly UAV's.

“We would be providing an interesting public education and security service; certainly not tracking you or anything like that.” said a Mr Q, representing MI6. In the U.S., the NSA gave similar assurances on the limits on its data collection, within hours of Wikileaks giving the lie to their previous statement that they were not doing it at all.

“Due to the limit of battery sizes verses processing power,” Mr Q continued, “the data speed and volume very much depends on the size of the animal. You’ll get 40 MB/s of ram, 30 MB/s of fox and 10MB/s of rat; which is still fast enough to stream a documentary on how an animal’s life is shortened by a WiFi chip. You can even send emails via a two-bit mole — which, of course, we promise we wouldn’t read.”

The news has ruffled the feathers of human-rights groups around the world. Urgent action is being called for to protect the population from collaborations between the world’s largest intelligence network, service providers and animals; after it was revealed that US and UK spies and members of simcard manufacturer Gemalto, had been seen “hacking” in the woods with some dark horses.

Go to the Front Page
UnNews Senior Editors are currently lawyering up over this related article:

First-ever openly furry candidate for Congress

The scale of the agreement and its international reach is reopening wounds in the animal community too. Already the Obama administration has faced rabid criticism from bears, snakes and buzzards who feel they have been treated as “fringe” animals. It has responded with sympathy for their “underyling grievances” and a promise to send more social workers.

However, Rachel Logan, Amnesty UK’s legal director, thinks they’re barking up the wrong tree: “This hawkish agreement between the feral and our untamed agencies is just the latest proof that our wildlife population is overreaching its remit. Human rights are at stake here — These animals must stop pretending the law doesn’t apply to them.”