UnNews:Arquette uses Oscars to promote BDSM rights

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24 February 2015

"I will fight for Opera's right to use nipple clamps."

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Patricia Arquette used her Oscar acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress in Boyhood to demand equal male-dominatrix rights and opportunities for women shading the big grey “50”.

Arquette said: “These gullible young professional women now think they desire their husbands to dominate them — under their strict instruction — into a wet, giggling submission because of a crap film trend. Fifty Shades sex scenes are so vanilla, it’s time for proper face-spitting, ball-gagging, genital-piercing equal opportunities for older women in the United States of America, like Judge Judy or Hillary Clinton. For every maturing, depraved, mistress; yearning to command men-slaves to lick the very soles of their patent-leather heels…. I feel your lust."

The award winning actress continued: “It’s inexcusable that clean-living, middle-aged churchgoing mothers around the world only get to write novels about tying up, beating, cigar-burning and torturing slaves to satisfy their sexually twisted desires,” she said. “Too long has the dungeon been the domain of single young fat girls.

“It’s time for all the mid-to-late MILFs in America, and all the men — that is if they love and respect their wives at all — and all the gay people and all the people of color that we’ve all fought for, to support us in our drive for cellar conversions with frames designed to hang naked people from.” The actress closed the speech, by dropping her $10,000 handbag, to a standing ovation from, most notably, Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lopez and Bill Cosby.

But no good deed goes unpunished, especially on social intercourse. Many people on Twitter, including heavily genitally pierced and twisted Dungeon-dwellers Roxane Gay and Morgan Jerkins; tongue-lashed Arquette for prioritizing the rights of perverted older women over gays and non-whites to beat men until they writhed around in the dirt begging for mercy.

The middle-aged BDSM argument has often come under fire for being a movement for ugly women to achieve their own take on enslavement and domination of males, whose sole purpose is to please their mistress; not actual women’s rights, equal opportunities or having families. Comments like these make homosexual women and women of color hesitant about joining the mainstream senior BDSM movement, which can seem restrictive to the blood flow, overbearing, painful and oblivious to intersexionality.

Still, Arquette’s heart was in the right place, even if her gimp mask wasn’t; because she is likely to change her mind completely and without notice, especially if she bothers to research her "passion".