UnNews:Brian Sewell tours Heaven

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24 September 2015

"This is another example of meritless gigantism that could be anywhere, and is the least successful of the gallery's six attempts to exploit its most unsympathetic space."

PEARLY GATES, Heaven -- British art critic Brian Sewell has died of a heart-attack on receiving news that Damien Hirst was releasing another exhibit. The notoriously waspish author, presenter, columnist, and homosexual has finally given up his tireless fight to persuade mortals that modern art is no more than the work of a talentless teenager, and has been employed as a freelance art critic in the afterlife.

Sewell -whose age preceded the Jurassic Period but who was still slightly younger than Ann Robinson at his time of death however - was ushered through the "predictable cliche-art" Pearly Gates, having been the first of the deceased that has been admitted having lived a life as a C- grade quasi-Christian (due to actually admitting he was gay... oh, and the Diana article thing); Sewell has been granted Holy Sanctimony to write a feature for Heaven's best-selling magazine, Altar Ego. The Lord's Artist Laureate wasted no time arranging a boozy power-lunch to discuss a considered critique of the art collection The Almighty had elected to display.

Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni was the first to shake Sewell's hand and pardon him for never having written his biography. The two exchanged autographs and artistic depictions of virile, Achillean men. Sewell commended "Il Divino" on his design for the roof of the Sistine Chapel, but added "—Although I would have made Adam slightly bigger."

Mr. Michelangelo retorted: "You are right, of course Mr. Sewell, but your presence here has made me slightly bigger."

Sewell showed admiration for the Holy alabaster Grecian pillars, but expressed distaste for the preponderance of tacky stalls selling jumping beans and carved elephants. The acclaimed critic went on to enjoy pre-lunch cocktails with Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo Da Vinci, to whom he quietly whispered, "When are the proper artists arriving? Much as sipping Manhattans with Ninja-turtles brings an avant-garde ambience, I am not a great advocate of pizza; nor indeed do I look good hanging around with soft-shelled Testudines who will be no more than averagely talented."

Da Vinci responded: "Brian, why on Earth or in Heaven hasn't Dan Brown written a book about you?" Sewell replied: "I'd never allow that Falstaffian fraud to pen a novel about myself, lest it be adapted for the screen as a vehicle for Tom Hanks and his atrocious hair, daarling."

The rest of Mr. Sewell's first day at work in Utopia progressed predominantly without incident, with Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni (the artist, not the turtle) discussing mutual distaste for a priceless Archangel Gabriel painting of a bowl of apples, contrasted with their fondness for the pop-art style of Alan Moore. "I used to fantasize about having BDSM sex with Adrian Veidt," Sewell commented.

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God relaxes rules on Heaven access

Like Sewell's External life, his Eternal Life as an employee of God is controversial, being a homosexual. But given God's recent relaxation on admittance criteria, St. Peter, chairman of the Department of Resurrection, has placed the issue in the bottom of the agenda. Sewell's eligibility for Eternal Bliss was also brought into question, because he had curled up in the armpit of a crucifix and indulged in the sin of onanism. But Sewell just tossed the whole thing off, explaining that Salvador Dali had threatened to melt all his clocks and mess his staircase about if he didn't. Dali was unavailable for comment due to filming a commercial for bendy smart-phones.

Westboro Baptist Church founder Rev. Fred Phelps — having been denied access to Hell by Satan who was concerned the evangelical preacher would lower the tone and subsequently admitted to Heaven due to having nowhere else to go — was also on hand to greet Mr. Sewell, addressing God's Muse as a "gobby faggot who had no place in the Kingdom of the Lord". Sewell, never one to back out, described the Priest as "a Mesolithic Yahoo" and "a nauseating cranio-rectal invert" and suggested that the Man-of-God remove himself from Sewell's presence and engage in fornication with his (Phelps's) mother.

God, proofreading Sewell's article, felt he had to reminded Sewell that he was writing for Altar Ego, on which His Holiness has the final veto. Sewell responded: "Your artistic instincts display about the same amount of talent and taste as my Grandmother and her mantelpiece. And, by the way, what are you doing in my chair?"


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