UnNews:Earth to be eaten before summer 2016

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16 August 2015

Computer simulation of the earth by November this year, unless the human race turns to Kraft foods to save the planet.

OAKLAND, California -- Planet Earth began shrinking last week, as humans finished consuming all of the resources the planet had this year and started start dining on the home world directly. Known as Overshoot Day, nature's budget has been spent and all that is left to eat are trees and rocks, once the supermarkets are empty.

Calculated by the Global Footprint Network (GFN) sustainability think tank, Overshoot day is a recent concept. Humanity lived within the Earth’s means up until last Thursday, when the last plum tomato was picked and the final cow minced, for what will probably be the last fresh spaghetti Bolognese the human race will eat until January, when the clock resets.

It means humanity is on course to consume the equivalent of 1.6 Earths this year, leaving only 40 percent of the planet remaining by Christmas. If the current course is maintained, the remainder of the planet will be eaten by May next year. “The only way to reverse the trajectory of Earth Overshoot Day and push it back later in the year,” GFN’s president Mathis Wackernagel said, “is by eating things that are not a drain on natural resources, like Kraft's Miracle Whip, Oreos or their “avocado-free” avocado guacamole.”

Kraft, now suddenly the producer of the world's only planet-saving super-eco food, is working with scientists to come up with recipes that minimize the amount of rocks, bark and soil that needs to be added to make their products palatable. The organizations are also working together to create synthetic minerals. But they are struggling to get the Kraft granite chippings to taste anything like as good as real granite chippings.

“Humanity’s carbon footprint alone more than doubled since the early 1970s, when the world went into ecological overshoot, eating an entire planet in 18 months is too much.” Wackernagel continued, “I was always a big fan of Kraftwerk; they managed to make synthetic instruments successfully sound nothing like real instruments. Now that they have moved into the synthetic food industry, I have every confidence the human race can survive without having to eat too much of the earth, provided it can live long enough on tins of Kraft's new “Easy Cheese and Tarmac Casserole” to get through the New Year.