UnNews:Five African nations agree on regional unity

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 20:32:59 (UTC)
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30 November 2013

Mo' Better Money means we are rich.

GABON, Darkest Africa -- The heads of state of five bankrupt African nations agreed to figuratively lash together their respective leaky economic rowboats in a program of regional unity.

The leaders of Gabon, the Sedan, South Sedan (or "the Coupe"), Kenya (the "Pink Cadillac"), and Uganda concluded talks in the capital city of Gabon, Chatter-on. Having already agreed to a common market and a customs union, they hope to forge a common currency, a move shown to be successful at causing inexplicable price increases throughout Europe.

The five already pass national budgets on the exact same day every June. These plan how to spend the taxes that are not being paid. Post-agreement, they will all spend it together. The worthless national currencies will become a single worthless regional currency, with a regional central bank where it can all be printed at once.

"Prosperity hinges on our integration," said Kenya's President Uhuru Kenyatta, who next year will be tried for crimes against humanity. Landlocked Uganda and Kenya have discovered oil, while South Sedan has invented matchsticks. "You can see how a common market could literally turn the lights on," said Mr. Kenyatta.

Kenneth Kitariko, chief executive at an investment firm, said "the absence of currency risk provides a greater incentive to trade." He allowed that some risks would remain, such as imprisonment without trial and machete-wielding government death squads. "The union...will take time and may be painful for some," he said, meaning that some countries may struggle to complete their promises.

Happily, a small army of IMF bankers was ready to fly to Gabon to show the leaders how huge foreign loans and tax increases could pretty up the new budget — except that they were in Greece, where the airports still have no electricity.

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