UnNews:Heston Blumenthal dies at 45
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, April 25, 2024, 11:56:59 (UTC) |
| Heston Blumenthal dies at 45 | 
|
21 January 2012
SUBURBIA -- It was announced last night that celebrity chef and food scientist Heston Blumenthal had been diagnosed with Mega-Exploding-Bowel Syndrome. It was in the early hours of this morning that doctors pronounced him dead in hospital.
Heston was discovered around 5:15PM last night writhing on the floor in extreme pain. Hestons bowels had imploded after he had accidently consumed an experiment. Mr Blumenthal had been creating what was known as death sauce. The death sauce was a mixture of all 7 super chillies, genetically grown in his greenhouse. It also contained sulphuric acid, rat poison, cocaine, crude oil, knives, explosives, cyanide, viagra, peppermint and a sprinkling of chives. The deadly creation was accidently consumed by Blumenthal as he mistook the frothing beaker for his mug of tea.
After consuming his creation, doctors reported that Heston first suffered a very dry throat. As the substance passed through his body, it withered his stomach, and inflated his intestines. Upon reaching the bowels, his body reacted badly with the chives in the mixture, expanding his bowels until explosion point. Neighbours warned police after hearing a large bang from the inside of his house, then several hours of loud crying. Upon arrival at the scene, police found Heston lying in a pool of blood and shit. Rather than go near the smelly mess, the police called the ambulance service to sort it out instead. Mr blumenthal died in hospital a few hours later.
Many people have paid their respects for the chef, who tragically lost his ass, and then his life in the name of science.
 |
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |