UnNews:Home Office to cull UK population with predators

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09 March 2015

Tiger relaxes after eating a family from Oxford.

WHITEHALL, London -- Rising population levels caused by a lack of predators and large numbers of immigrants has helped to contribute a significant net cut in council services-per-head in the United Kingdom. This prompted the Home Office to announce a strategy to cull the human population by releasing man-eating predators into the countryside and shores. The department are importing tigers, brown bears, crocodiles, sharks, snakes and spiders to reduce the numbers of humans, without discrimination, to manageable levels.

A report by the Institute for Fiscal Studies said that per capita spending by local authorities in England fell by 20 percent in the last five years. The IFS warned that council areas that were hit by large-scale immigration were likely to lose out further in the future.

With no known predators to the indigenous human breeds and an influx of the non-indigenous brought over in the holds of aircraft and ships, cross-pollination has strengthened the genetic makeup of the species. Survivability has reached the point that death from old age has become the norm, and human populations on the islands have continued to grow uncontrollably.

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David Innes, one of the authors of the report, said: “English councils — like many government departments in Whitehall — have experienced sharp spending cuts. This is not limited to schools and emergency services. The administration of the human population is starting to overwhelm the Civil Service. You only need to look at the paperwork situation in the US to see that things will quickly become unsustainable here in the UK.

“The only option left is a sharp reduction in the population. However, no one in Government is prepared to put their head on the block and make a decision on which breeds of human should be culled.”

The report has prompted several meetings across Whitehall and Number 10 to come up with the most humane human population-control strategy. Ideas ranged from poisoning the tap water to roving teams in Land Rovers with hunting rifles. The Government, however, could not reach an agreement, as the current discrimination policy forbids openly specific breed selection – unlike Crufts.

In the end, Government looked towards the Australian model of population control. Most animal species there will kill a human within minutes, which keeps the entire population of the world’s biggest island at about the same level as London. Just getting onto the shores of Australia is difficult, as even the fish, known locally as “sharks,” also eat humans. In some rural areas of Austrailia, even the humans eat humans, which is great news for the emergency services.

Many of the longer-serving ministers were not happy with the idea of releasing predators into the wild, however. Dr Paul O'Donoghue, from the Human UK Trust, persuaded senior politicians by pointing out how nice it would be to have hundreds of wild naked Cougars roaming the forest.

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