UnNews:King’s College Choir to headline Glastonbury

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20 March 2015

Glastonbury fans disappointed that the Kings College Choir performance of Hark the Herald Angels Sing will not have an eight-minute guitar solo

GLASTONBURY, England, -- Moth-eaten grungers and tripped-out hippy chicks are slinging mud at the walls over news that the headlining act at Glastonbury 2015 will be Cambridge’s King’s College Choir. Thousands of festivalgoers have signed an online petition demanding that the classical ensemble be cancelled.

Founded in the 1440’s by Henry VI, the world-famous choir has been broadcasting the Christmas Eve service, King's — A Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols, to millions around the world for many decades.

More than 55,000 supporters have now added their signatures to the petition, which demands removal of the most accomplished and renowned representatives of the great British choral tradition, from the Somerset slud-fest.

The e-letter was written on change.org by Bob “Axe-shredder” Perkins, a plasterer from Norwich. Perkins demanded festival organizers reverse their decision to book an “evangelical, Allegri Miserere” and “get a proper bloody rock band instead.”

The chorus is slated to open the festival with Glory, Alleluia to the Christ Child! in favor of the more traditional, Back in Black, or Highway to Hell by rockers AC/DC.

Mr Perkins said: “We spend hundreds of pounds to attend Glasto, and by doing so, expect a certain level of entertainment. No one will deny King’s Choir is excellent on Christmas Eve while enjoying a sherry with Granny by the fire. However, Granny will not enjoy stage-diving into a steaming mosh pit with a gut full of scrumpy cider and a head full of poppers. Nor would we, if we had to do it to Vivaldi’s Gloria, Magnificat.

The Choir follows The London Symphony Orchestra, who sparked controversy by becoming the first classical act to headline Glastonbury in 2008, a booking that Prodigy front man Keith Flint branded “shite.” The composite hit back, however, by opening their performance with a beautiful string quartet cover of Smack My Bitch Up.

King’s Choir is one of a handful of acts confirmed for this year’s music festival, along with Barack Obama and his rap rendition of poet William Shatner’s hit Common People, and Jennifer Aniston, who is just going to stand there and pick her arse. The rest of the line-up is expected to be revealed in April before the festival takes place from 24 to 28 June.