UnNews:L’Oreal's anti-aging cream... are you worth it?

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L’Oreal's anti-aging cream... are you worth it? UnNews Logo Potato.png

27 February 2015

Want to live forever?

PARIS, France -- Death will now be a thing of the past, it seems, due to an off-the-shelf product of cosmetics company L’Oreal. Agencies are investigating claims the $15 miracle cream enables the human to repair itself — the biological Holy Grail that has eluded the world's top scientists for generations.

According to L’Oreal, the Rosaliac AR Intense can rebuild collagen, regenerate hydroproteins, repair micro-injuries, boost the activity of genes and stimulate cell regeneration. What that means, technically speaking, is Dame Helen Mirren could re-grow a severed foot; placing the cosmetics company fairly and squarely in the realm of the Gods.

Company marketing executive Sophie Mascara said, “Feeling too old and pale to face the day? Give your body a Sun Kissed Glow…while you regenerate! Discover L’Oreal Nutrisummer, with Mela-D Pigment Control blended with a piece of the surface of the sun, our first intensely moisturising lotion — with a hint of self-tan radiation. It’s always summer for your skin. Nutrisummer — From L’Oreal, because you’re worth it.”

The real world became cynical of L’Oreal’s amazing claim, though, when a customer (who thought she was “worth it”) died within two days of using the product, after liquefying in front of Grey's Anatomy — soaking entirely into the sofa never to be seen again. Another customer’s head turned light blue and a few other customers' bones have dissolved. The science community argues that to be internally supported by tent poles, turning light blue or dying, is not anti-aging regeneration or even beauty enhancement.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) wrote to the company that these glitches would put the formulation a couple notches beneath the statutory goals of "safety and efficacy." These criteria are tested by one of the FDA's hippies. The researcher on this project, a Mr. Moonstar, said: “If they were to claim that Mela-D Pigment Control turned your head cyan, that would be a trip, but to say you will be young forever? I haven’t felt like that since Woodstock.

“Look, my team of hard substance abusers has tried everything,” Moonstar continued: “I even cleaned my teeth with Mr. Muscle Grime and Lime spray to ascertain whether it is really multi-surface; but I wouldn’t touch L’Oreal stuff with a shisha pipe. At least an oven cleaner firm tests its oven cleaner by cleaning ovens; and not inventing pseudo-science sounding names of chemical mixtures, then claiming smearing it over your face untested will make you live forever — are they F’Oreal?”

L’Oreal replied that its ad used the scientific claim “because everyone else does it,” and because it works, as many more people buy their products than die from them. It adds that the product is also used exclusively by celebrities on its payroll and it leaves their skin younger looking and feeling like satin, in an attempt to powder over wrinkles in its “fountain of youth” claim.