UnNews:Lionel Richie wants a roof over Britain

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05 March 2015

Once, twice, three times a downpour

GLASTONBURY, England -- Government has rushed through planning permissions and commenced constructing a roof over the country, after Lionel Richie voiced concern about the effect the United Kingdom’s signature wind and rain would have on his hair style and threatened not to say Hello to UK fans at Glastonbury this summer.

The chart legend says he is baffled why a country with such unusual and unpredictable weather would be open-air. “It costs me $25 worth of Brylcreem to get the smooth “Richie” look for the ladies,” said the megastar. “What would fans think if I turned up at Glastonbury looking like Diana Ross?”

The UK lies in the convergence zone between the tropical and polar trade winds, directly under the jet stream. “Why would you have a country in this location without a roof when you know it’s going to rain?” Richie continued, “It beats me why you like rolling about in the dirt when it is throwing it down. We’ve all seen pictures of Glastonbury, it’s like the mud-wrestling scene from Stripes with Adele over the top; hardly Deep River Woman. We all want to be Penny Lovers, but the weather’s just too crap.”

Richie played at an IDF benefit event in 2013 after receiving assurances that Israel was "domed" against precipitation. On that basis, the UK is ploughing ahead, All Night Long, with a multi-billion-pound national roof, as part of the UK’s strategy to encourage the world’s great and good to visit without concerns for their hair and make-up. They are hoping the roof will be complete in time for the festival.

The construction will include a 12-level limousine parking lot and retail center. In anticipation of the rich and famous arriving, big-name outlets such as Cash for Gold, Greggs bakers, and Marks fag shop will showcase the UK as front-runner in the world of A-list celebrity retail therapy.

There are concerns, however, that the UK may be forever changed by the roof. Many believe that without the rain, the Brits will not be Happy People because all that’s left to moan about is the food. There is a feeling amongst some that Lionel Richie is forcing the British to be more content than they ever signed up to be.

Colin Grimshaw, who lives on the final approach to Heathrow Airport, said: “In 2012 we had the Olympics, trains ran on time, the phones were reliable and we had an absolutely blazing summer; it was awful. In the end, I was forced to buy my current house off the runway to have something to complain about.

“Now, rain might be a thing of the past, the airport is all I have left (and the food). I will have to write to Heathrow every time a plane lands, rather than once a day, to fill the void in my life that was cold, wet, miserable-bastard rain, Running Through The Night.”