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A newsstand that's brimming with issues UnNews Friday, March 5, 2021, 22:43:59 (UTC)

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Trump resurrected at CPAC
ORLANDO, Florida -- Republicans at this year's un-Woke CPAC (Conservative Political Anti-Antifa Conference) took up the "cancel culture" that declares that certain people are not welcome.

Day 1 of the conference will illustrate by example, on Sen. Mitt Romney and Rep. Liz Cheney. Full story»


Martians opposed to latest invasion from Earth
MARS, Solar System -- Angry Martians are demanding their government stop letting Earth dump its latest technology on their planet's surface.

The landing of self-driving golf buggy Perseverance made Martians feel like second-class Solar System citizens. Full story»

US carpool to emulate Texas
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government will convert to an all-electric motor pool, just as windmills froze in a Texas cold snap and the state adopted California's "rolling black-outs."

One expert described the new fleet as "tall, boxy with low clearance. Those should do wonderful in the snow and ice," making them perfect for winter mail delivery. Full story»


Ted Cruz promises to take more people to Mexico next time
HOUSTON, Texas -- Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has apologized to Texans for not bringing more people with him to México, away from the blizzards and cold in his home state.

The junior Senator said, "I would have checked all of my 4,260,553 constituents into excess baggage, but there wasn't enough room in coach." Full story»

Dole seeks to share Limbaugh renown with chemo
RUSSELL, Kansas -- Bob Dole has announced he will follow in the footsteps of late American talk radio star Rush Limbaugh by undergoing chemotherapy.

Limbaugh on Wednesday completed treatment for Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Dole, 97, obviously hopes to walk in the star's footsteps by coming out with his diagnosis of the same disease. Full story»


Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to appear on Oprah
LOS ANGELES, California -- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are to appear on the Oprah talk show to chat about babies, themselves and their new album Exiled from England.

The interview is going to be hard-hitting and reveal all the skeletons in the British Royal Family, starting off with the living corpse known as the Duke of Edinburgh. Full story»

England on target to have pets vaccinated by July
LONDON -- England is on track to have all pets vaccinated against Coronavirus by mid-summer.

There are an estimated 51 million pets on lockdown in the UK, a figure that does not include hundreds of pedigree celebrities owned by Sheiks, dot-com billionaires and The Guardian. Full story»


Pelosi bends GOP over further
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will subject Republican Party Congressmen to an anal exam before allowing them into the chamber.

The delicate Coronavirus countermeasure has been perfected in Red China. The Chinese assert that the technique is more accurate than the "tongue-swab method" formerly employed — and more palatable to the workers whose tongues had been pressed into service. Full story»

My Little Bernie dolls are pricey but politically correct
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Democrats are buying large stocks of knitted Bernie Sanders dolls as a souvenir of the inauguration of President Joe Biden.

The doll has turned into a must-buy toy, though you will need $40,000 cash — not weighty for wealthy liberals, but a heavy lift for basement-dwellers affiliated with Antifa. Full story»


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TV Highlights March 5


'George the Edgy Children
Disney 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"George Does Drugs" George is offerred drugs, and forgets that winners don't do drugs.

Holy Shi.... Shit Fiction
ShiTV 4:20 AM weEDT/3:20 CDT
In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

South Park Adult Animation
Comedy Central 10:00 PM EDT/9:00 PM CDT
Timmy