UnNews:Mayor García apologizes for gay sex at festival

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16 March 2015

Clap your cheeks, everybody!

ANZOATEGUI, Colombia -- Alfredo García, mayor of this small Colombian town, was slammed as "vulgar" and "crude" after he organised, in a Woman's Day celebration at the plaza de armas (town square) on Sunday afternoon, a variety of sex-related activities having nothing to do with women.

García had to formally apologize after the town ombudsman received hundreds of complaints from families. García granted UnNews the following exclusive interview.

UN: Good morning, Mr Mayor. And what beautiful ladies you have under your arms!

AG: Hi, nice to meet you. You fancy a hot Latina?

UN: Oh yes please, I’ve literally just got off the bus so I’m absolutely gasping. With a little milk and sugar if that’s no trouble.

AG: Ahh, a man’s man, I like you already. I’ll get you two!

UN: Thank you. Can we talk about Woman’s Day?

AG: I don’t know what the fuss is all about. It was just a couple of male strippers at the event. I thought it would be fun for the ladies — I can’t do right for trying.

UN: Well, it was half past two on a Sunday afternoon; I think they were expecting something that would involve the children.

AG: That’s sick!

UN: No, no, no! I mean mother’s workshops, arts and crafts, build-your-own tamales, that sort of thing.

AG: I see, it was just a bit of harmless fun, you know, couple of sexy gay men on a stage, bit of Chi-Chi Camacho on the P.A. How was I to know they’d start fucking like dogs? Some of the crowd overreacted, if you ask me. Maybe a few of the women didn’t get what the day was about, you know, like we had a lot of lesbians there or something. Not that I mind if they are, as you say, with milk and sugar.

UN: Not sure what you mean but, it certainly scattered the crowd.

AG: Well, the kids, they’ve got to learn where they come from sometime.

UN: Erm, yes but that’s not, erm, never mind. What about the bucking bronco?

AG: The sex machine? I paid twenty cases of Aguardiente to hire that; not a single woman rode it. You want a drink by the way? I have some imported tequila left. Do you like to eat the worm?

UN: Eat the worm? Good God no, I am a married man. No thanks on the kind offer of Tequila either. Maybe after the frappuccinos.

AG: Ah, you have problems keeping it up after a drink! I understand. I can do you some half-price Viagra, it will keep the lead in your pencil for your Latina-Lattes, even after eating a worm. None was sold at my stall on Woman’s Day, so we have plenty.

UN: Viagra? Oh, no! Please, Mr Mayor, can we return to Woman’s Day? So you had to apologize?

AG: Yes, the ombudsman said it was inappropriate. What do they know? With a name like ombudsman they are probably homophobic, like the lesbians. Still, we are working hard to bring things into balance with Man’s Day – but are going to make it men only to avoid any future confusion.

UN: That’s interesting, what is planned, stripper grams, sex shows?

AG: Oh no, we are very sophisticated and Metro-sexual here. There will be wine tasting, fashion shows, how to make cocadas; even a cosmetic display by L’Oreal Men Expert. Ah, here’s your frothy latinas — warm, sweet and wet.

UN: Wooahh!