UnNews:Scientists find the cause of dinosaur extinction

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5 November 2015

When dinosaurs stopped laying their super-sized omelettes atop volcanoes, scientists say the result was comparable to lasagna.

BERKELEY, California -- Scientists here have finally determined what happened to render the dinosaurs extinct and say the episode has a lesson for Modern Man.

In a study published in Science, faculty from Berkeley, Drexel University, and some joint in Mumbai claim that an asteroid plus a worldwide wave of volcanoes created a "one-two" punch that led dinosaurs and other species to pack it in and accept a posterity limited to primitive cave drawings.

Lead researcher Paul Renne said that high-precision isotope dating of the events from the low-precision prehistoric past locate the events within 50,000 years of one another. Thus, either the scientists have it right, or have it exactly backward, and the extinction of dinosaurs produced the wave of volcanoes. "We think that when the dinosaurs stopped laying their gigantic eggs on top of volcanoes, it could have freed the lava to flow down the mountainside," he said in a news release.

"Whatever it was, it would have blanketed the planet with dust and fumes, not unlike those experienced today in Detroit around rush hour, sending the species to an early grave," the release states. Indeed, it is now rare to see dinosaurs in Detroit at rush hour.

Ben Black, a post-doctoral scholar in Racial Grievances, said "I predict that [the] global climate will warm somewhat, perhaps with episodes of cooler temperatures." Co-author Mark Richards said that if they can continue to produce data, people will have to accept the likelihood of causation. The duo asserted that earth may have only ten years left to act, although the dinosaurs had 500 centuries. The scientists concluded that voters must consider their choice carefully, along with the possibility that they will be called deniers, and keep the grant money flowing, as a better grasp of the facts is something on which everyone can agree.

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