UnNews:Subway rolls out new ads as Jared goes to prison

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21 August 2015

Jared, before he began dabbling in diet and diddling.

MILFORD, Connecticut -- As decade-long spokesman Jared heads for federal prison, Subway Restaurants is set to roll out a new advertising theme, as well as a quick revamp of its menus and slogans.

In 1999, Jared said he lost 200 pounds simply by eating the chain's submarine sandwiches. Subway knew the story would resonate with Americans, notoriously enticed by any claim they can improve their lives and save the planet by merely eating or driving. The chain credits the resulting ad campaign for one-third to one-half of its growth.

The long arm of the law has now caught up to "Eat Fresh" Jared, and he has pleaded guilty to child pornography charges, and to crossing state lines for sex with "fresh" minors in violation of the aptly-named Mann Act. He will serve 5 to 13 years, and has agreed to pay $100,000 each to 14 children to compensate them for having already agreed to pay them. Upon release from prison, Fogle will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, and undergo treatment for sexual disorders. However, he will be able to eat as much as he wants, provided its "best by" date complies with the local Age of Consent.

Subway has marked the deal by opening a pedophilia division called Subway Kids, which includes an online game called "Pants Dance" that features the tent-sized trousers that Jared claimed he lost by eating healthy. The game dares children to "catch things" inside Jared's pants, while the trouserless Jared stands nearby, holding his hoagie. The company also has a new kids' menu, spearheaded by "Naughty Jared's six-inch salami sub".

This has prompted other fast-food chains to look at their slogans. McDonalds is considering the pederastic implications of the “Lovin' it” slogan; Burger King is wrestling with the age-dependent implication of their commitment to let customers “have it their way,” and KFC might not think “Finger Lickin’ Good” comes across well.

CNBC's business reporter Ben Berkowitz tweeted about Subway's new ad campaign, during a dialogue referencing a "marketing cluster-bleep," suggesting that the chain might goose its sales further by catering underage orgies. It is bad enough that Subway sponsors “Biggest Loser” by awarding a $100 fast-food voucher to the contestant who has lost the most weight, but their products, ordered in inches, retain an unshakable aura of sexual innuendo.