UnNews:Super Mario appears on The Sun's page 3

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20 January 2015

Super Mario is liberated after Artificial Intelligence accident

LONDON, England -- World famous sprite Super Mario, having become sentient after a mishap in an AI laboratory, is to appear completely nude in The Sun newspaper, in a last minute bid to save Britain’s favourite tabloid from going to print today with an embarrassing hole on page three.

Last night, Rupert Murdoch ended 45 years of “Britain’s favourite breakfast baps” saying there are plenty of topless Sheilas on the Internet now, so site workers would be better spending their toilet breaks on the Sky sponsored phone sex lines, as advertised in the back pages. The short notice policy change caused some disarray in the Sun’s Newsroom this morning.

Realising the implications of the reverse bikini policy, Page Three model Debbie 24 from Bolton, clearly upset by the news, was overheard saying to senior staff, “you bloody know it’s triple price for that, and if you’re too tight to even give me some cash for an emergency wax up front, you can all fuck off.” before storming out of the building.

Female reporter’s heads were suddenly buried in keyboards citing exceptional backloads of unfiled copy, as editors made a frenzied trawl through the newsrooms looking for a volunteer. In the end, the only one to show willing was tea lady Joan Perkins 53, mother of six from Dartford.

“We were in serious trouble.” said a features editor.

Two blocks down the road, a group of bored artificial intelligence researchers had plugged their Nintendo Wii into the AI mainframe just to see what would happen, and quickly discovered they had inadvertently made Super Mario self aware.

Lab technician Lawrence Simpkin said, “It was a quite a moment. Mr Mario is an Italian plumber, with a 70’s moustache who has been in the kid’s entertainment business for almost thirty years. It should have come as no surprise that he’s a total hedonist and randy as a rampant rabbit.”

“First he ate one of those dodgy looking mushrooms, then stripped naked and started humping Princess Peach before playing “bitch” for Donkey Kong. That was a huge bonus; programmers lead a sheltered life you know. We learned a lot.”

The accident was great news for staff at The Sun too. “They still couldn’t decide if it was better to go with Mrs Perkins and her muffin, or just leave the page completely blank.” said one of the photographers.

“To be honest we were all beginning to feel a bit sick, so you can imagine the relief when Mr Simpkin arrived and showed us his tablet. Not in a million years would I have thought I'd be delighted to see Super Mario lying naked on a mushroom, pulling his pixel.“

After the shoot, a visibly exited Mr Mario said, “This has been a truly historic news event for Sprite Power, and a huge step in challenging media humanism. I only charge three gold coins per naked shoot by the way, anything goes for four.”