UnNews:Trump becomes U.S. CEO

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17 June 2015

Trump-Force-One. United States CEO Donald Trump outlines his nationwide employment manifesto, from the safety of his private 757.

NEW YORK CITY -- Businessman, property tycoon, and celebrity Donald Trump has become CEO of the United States. The preposterously prosperous presenter of The Apprentice has commandeered 51% of the country's shares on the New York Stock Exchange, so as majority shareholder, Trump and his Board of Directors now have the final say on U.S. policy.

Laying out the country's business plan from his private Boeing 757 at La Guardia Airport, Trump said: "As a country, we have to work on our internal communications, efficiency and desirability if we are to stay ahead in the market. We need to re-focus our strategy to trade, as for too long the world has been dumping its problems on America. Foreigners, especially from Mexico, are bringing drugs, crime and they are rapists. Erm, some might be all right though (winks).

"The secure shop window is everything, I mean look at La Guardia Airport," Trump continued, pointing from the plush jet's VIP suite, "it's almost as bad as Heathrow or Charles De Gaulle; like we are in a third world country. My first task is to build a Great Wall around America... fake sandstone blocks... eagle-headed gargoyles... plenty of white Roman pillars, you know, classy. And the Mexicans are going to pay for it.

"The Great Wall of America will host a bullet-proof glass fronted showcase of the U.S. There will be the very best of hospitality in Trump Resturants, serving the very best Trump steak, not made from the meatier cuts of my family, of course, but by Americans; lead by parts of my family. There will be Trump Travel Agents to return foreigners to their country if the credit card is declined, and if it isn't, then they are invited to drop in to Trump Financial or Trump Real Estate, to see what the U.S.A. is really about."

The opulant-overseer had little to say on his strategy for the ongoing terrorism threat however, other than he would be very good at it. It was unclear whether he meant good at terrorism or fighting it. Trump did indicate an intention to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons, unlike Secratary of State John Kerry who, according to Trump, "got out of it by breaking his leg in a bicycle race." The gilded CEO assured the gathering he'd never enter a bicycle race, so Iran would not be passed-over as an agenda item.

Advocating that the American dream has ended, and now in need of strong coffee, Trump will keep everyone wide-awake with profit/loss margins and efficiency drives. Yes, there will be redundencies from the U.S., as Trump will follow The Apprentice format firing citizens from jobs they never actually had, after a series of competence trials and, of course, validation of birth certificates.

"Fired citizens will have their air fare paid to the nearest international hub airport, for onward deportation, thus streamling the U.S. population/employee totals to get ahead of China," said Trump, "I will re-brand the U.S. as a World-Walmart, and bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and in doing so, America will come up Trump's."