UnNews:Twitter reveals new uniforms for front-line employees

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19 October 2016

Two front-line customer service representatives at Twitter display their new corporate uniforms, on their way to an employee workshop where they will study talking like Pakistanis.

CYBERSPACE -- High-tech giant Twitter rolled out flashy new uniforms for its 60,000 employees who have face-to-face dealings with customers.

Industry analysts said the move is a desperate attempt to paper over the corporation's problems, including the massive data breach that compromised 500 million accounts, Congress's investigation of whether customers had additional Twitter accounts opened for them without their authorization, and the fact that suitors for the company are dropping like flies or trying to Jew down the purchase price.

Chief executive John Stumpf, who resigned this month amid scandal, has also left the boards of Chevron Corp. and Target Corp. after becoming a lightning rod for corporate excess. "Mr. Stumpf resigned for personal reasons," Chevron stated in a regulatory filing, and not because he was a national pariah. The personal reasons involve the death of the family pet, according to a company insider speaking on condition of anonymity and with red stains on his hands.

The silver-and-pink motif is the first new uniform for most American workers since the 1980s, and coincides with the federal mandate to provide a nurturing work environment for employees no matter what gender they identify with on any given workday. The uniforms were well-received by many Twitter workers, though some have complained that the wool stockings have resulted in itching and headaches. Management has responded to the latter problem by recommending that they not be worn on the head.

Twitter employees who do not deal with customers will remain free to wear sweatshirts and not wash them for weeks, or if they work from home, bathrobes.

Twitter turned to celebrity New York fashion designer Zac Posen, who designed the signature sleeves of Michelle Obama's apparel and the top that Janet Jackson wore for the first portion of her half-time show during Super Bowl XXXX. Posen stated during the Twitter rollout, "Its humbling 2 work with one of the greatest corps in the wld THX LOL.”

Where Twitter employees will wear the glittering new uniforms is still up in the air. Last week, Walt Disney and Salesforce.com dropped their bids to buy the company, calling it an epicenter of hate on the Internet. Former CEO Dick Costolo admitted last year that "we suck at dealing with abuse and trolls and we’ve sucked for years. We lose core user after core user by not addressing trolling.” A consortium of trolls, while agreeing that Twitter sucks and so does Dick, resolved to demand that the service allow them to obscenely berate other customers with more than 140 characters per insult.

But Disney complained that acquiring Twitter might damage its reputation as a "family-friendly company" even faster than its soft-porn subsidiaries and anti-Catholic blockbusters do. The suitors also complained that $17,000 million seems a steep price for a company that is still losing $500 million every year, a feat caused by "building out infrastructure" without realizing that the target population was finite, apparently modeled on the Scott Walker campaign for President. Walt Disney himself stated that, if he were still alive, he could achieve the same accomplishment for pennies on the dollar. If someone does not come out of the woodwork to purchase Twitter, the corporation will have to lose that money on its own in future years.

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