UnNews:U.S. Government data misappropriated
| Where man always bites dog | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Friday, April 19, 2024, 06:17:59 (UTC) |
| U.S. Government data misappropriated | 
|
05 June 2015
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government is on high alert as its entire database, including personal data of millions of government staff, and data on clandestine international operations, has been removed from the computers of Office of Personnel Management (OPM) and made available in the public domain.
Sitting down to process the overnight backlog of personal files, emails and transactions for the Secret Database this morning, OPM staff discovered everything had been removed, including addresses, next-of-kin details, accounts, appointments, operations manuals and even their own job descriptions. All that remained was a desktop background advert for a Mr. Wong’s frog-restaurant chain, Frog Emperor, based in central Nantong, China.
Even without any online files, the U.S. Government was confident it could operate normally without any hard-copy Codes-of-Conduct to go by, as it ignored them anyway. However, without NSA DOC 0453 0223 Rev 6 (list of Government Code Names), no one knows who’s who, because Government staff are known as SA3 SCD, SP2 LAN, Yes Mam or Sir Yes Sir.
All of the data, including areas of operation of the country’s top international envoys, ministers, spies and Special Forces, is now in the public domain and available to browse by selecting the “succulent claypot kung-pao frog” from menu 2.
Not knowing who their work colleagues names are, or what they look like, Government employees are working hard to get instructions rolling back into their inbox, so they can pretend nothing has happened. An emergency meeting of those sat at the largest desks took place, to work out what they did; and collectively agreed that in a month of Sundays, they’d never have guessed that SD2 MAR-(Dep) was female.
A more disturbing development is the apparent rolling delivery of boiled frogs in clay pots to Government personnel, in what seems like alphabetical order, to their home addresses or hotel rooms if they are “on task”.
A U.S. law enforcement source (that did not know if he was a Lieutenant or parking lot attendant at this time) said: “This is an appalling misuse of people’s private data. Imagine what it is like to have a foreign country look at your personal information to build a profile of you and your movements, then threaten you with a boiled amphibian. These cyber thieves deal with pond life, and they will be brought to justice, once we find out who SF1 JUS is.
“For security reasons, and to prevent spawning rumours and mis-information, we are keeping our sources close to our chest. However, we can say after analysis of the small amount of data on the computers, the attack was from a foreign entity, possibly a Chinese connection.”
In Nantong, a very busy Mr Wong is wondering how he is going to ship another eleven million claypot frogs across the globe before the factory closes, but is pleased that his nephew’s new advertising/online ordering computer programme has been such a success; and said he felt proud to be feeding U.S. government agencies boiled frogs. Wong has already received a follow-up order from a Mrs Crinton, for a crate of fried scorpions.
Sources[edit]
- Andrew Griffin "OPM hack: as China blames US for huge cyberattack, new era of cyberwarfare and internet terrorism arrives". Independent, June 05, 2015