UnNews:UK to build £25M prison for Audi drivers

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30 September 2015

Audi drivers will likely serve prison sentences with interior surround sound, LED vanity mirrors and lightweight, carbon fiber, fully adjustable seats.

LONDON, England -- The UK plans to spend £25M to build a prison for thousands of Audi drivers. The Swiss-designed “brushed aluminum with bespoke hand-stitched leather” prison will prepare the already-overcrowded prison service for thousands of Audi drivers to serve time for breaking national and international emissions rules.

VW, Audi's parent company, have admitted to cheating emissions tests in the US and when tortured a bit, admitted to the same in Europe. The move affects about three-quarters of all the cars on British roads, based on observations of the M25 at rush hour. In the US, the company's costly violation was to measure pollution “at the time of testing,” as the law stated, rather than later, on the highway, as the law meant to state.

On Tuesday, UK law firm Leigh Day wrote to British drivers, noting their duty under UK and European law to ensure the roadworthiness of their vehicles before shifting out of Park. Should an emissions test be made with the Volkswagen switched out of “God Mode,” a small-engine Golf will land the driver a £20,000 fine.

However when it comes to Audi, anything over a 1.6-liter brings the driver into commercial oil spill territory, facing five years to life. To claw back some “street cred,” chronic polluter China are even considering the death penalty, even though most Chinese Audis are imitations with moped engines.

In a short-notice career change, ex-VW engineering boss Wolfgang Durheimer has been employed as a security guard at the new facility. Mr. Durheimer was awarded the position after offering free consultation on the facility's design. He said: ”The new prison will be a three-door saloon, offering something for just about every inadvertent, executive car criminal. It's supremely refined, and strong enough in terms of its performance to make the much older, more expensive diesel powered prisons difficult to justify.

“The cell comes in the SE trim as standard, with everything most incarcerated Audi drivers would desire, including leather upholstery, ipod dock, climate control, bluetooth, heated mirrors, movement sensors and safety cameras covering blind spots. The prison also combines tax-friendly CO2 emissions with the pricier models, and here are some figures I've flogged to prove it.”

VW vow to get over this Enron-sized bump in the road by powering all their cars off the driver's own waste matter by 2018. Where in some quarters noses are growing, in others they are a-twitching as to whether this is the best Way Forward. Currently, a driver needs to roll up the windows in summer only within two miles of the treatment plant in Slough; in the redesigned cars, he might need to do so whenever within two miles of himself.