UnNews:US regulators frighten Halloween revelers

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31 October 2015

Another child explodes due to cheap costumes and cosmetics, as HHS urges citizens to: "Don't get killed this Halloween, or in the case of the undead, killed again".

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is deploying some 50 teams of enforcers to the streets of America to protect citizens from the ghouls, ghosts, witchcraft, feral kids, and drunken fancy dress parties this Halloween night. The teams will “advise and assist” ordained ministers and the emergency services, fighting the dark forces of evil on both sides of the mortal coil.

Halloween night always blurs the boundary between the living and the dead — in both the ethereal spiritual sense and the face-down-in-the-parking-lot-from-too-many-spirits sense. Calls for the Fire Department, police, paramedics, exorcists, stomach pumps, church candles, and chalk for spirit summoning will peak this evening, as the dead and living put aside their differences and party hard — for the kids.

Halloween has become synonymous with a lack of safety attitude and heightened danger. This year, HHS is advising the living to wear highly reflective boiler suits, massive safety glasses and hard hats over their costumes, ahead of tonight’s celebration; as they are 100% more likely to be hit by a wayward car than their spiritual counterparts, who would just pass through it.

HHS emphasized that children’s frightening costumes, with their combination of plastic, make-up, hairspray, glitter, Jack-O'Lanterns and passed-out parents, means that many of the young living will find themselves joining the young dead tonight, via an intense, unceremonious orangey-green explosion, followed by a shower of molten Jolly Ranchers.

The men with the clipboards are also targeting those only interested in the Candy that swings from a pole and has daddy issues, by pointing out that it is imperative to consider who is really underneath those devil horns at the bar. Is it Beelzebub himself, holding a bloody, still-beating sheep’s heart while downing a Flaming Sambuca, or just Paula from accounts? Either way, your money will be burned by the end of the night.

It is also a peak time for possessions, poltergeist activity, and black magic. Religious ministers are being advised to check that all their vaccinations are up-to-date and to wear full body PPE, including face-visor, when performing exorcisms, to avoid cross-contamination of bodily fluids at the “rotating green head and puking stage.” They offer the same advice to nightclub doormen and hospital staff.

HHS also has advice for the deceased on keeping safe tonight, though it seems to carry little credibility in the afterlife — especially among the younger dead, or those from industry. However, Congress's inability to curtail funding for any program should give HHS a position of authority among the undead.