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| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, April 20, 2024, 02:06:59 (UTC) |
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 LONDON -- For the first time in history, foreign troops marched in the guard in front of Buckingham Palace.
The pageantry marks the 120th anniversary of the Entente Cordiale between London and Paris, as the two countries agreed to fight on the same side in World War I, provided an assassin could be found to provoke it; also to not bicker quite so much. Full story»  WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rep. David Trone (D-MD) used a derogatory term for Those People during a hearing of the House Budget Committee.
Trone, 68, denied that he had ever heard the slur but, as a privileged white man, he should have remembered its "long, dark history" — then denied he meant anything by calling it dark. Full story»  LONDON -- The original Princess of Wales photo with her children has been discovered.
British-based conspiracy expert David Icke said, "The Princess is currently living on Pluto. Her reported medical surgery has been just a cover. We have got to face the truth. The House of Windsor are lizards." Full story»  WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's confirmed that the greatest presidential battle since the last one will see old rivals back in the war for America's future.
The rematch may give old age a bad name and come down to which candidate is losing his marbles first. So far, "Jurassic Joe" Biden appeared to be in the lead on that score, but recent public outings for "Donnie the Dinosaur" have revealed he can't tell a Nancy Pelosi from a Nikki Haley in a bright room. Full story»  LONDON -- The United Kingdom has formally banned puberty for children. The condition can cause extreme mood swings, pimples, and the growth of hair where it doesn't belong.
A Labour Party spokesman complained that, without puberty, an entire generation of Englishmen would grow up stunted and looking like cherubs. However, Health Minister Maria Caulfield said she had seen the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy and saw nothing wrong with that. Full story»  THE INTERNET -- Germany has accidentally disclosed to Russia that Britain has "boots on the ground" in Ukraine.
The Germans held their discussion on Skype, which a General was able to patch into with his cell phone from a hotel room. Unfortunately, it appears that the Kremlin also joined the channel, albeit in "listen-only" mode. Full story»  PRINCETON, New Jersey -- Scientists have made a giant leap toward nuclear fusion by turning to AI.
Nuclear fusion involves shoving together two unwilling atoms in a microscopic blind date, whereas Artificial Intelligence, or AI, involves using computers to act like human beings. Combining these two ultra-trending items and squeezing out synergy is a major rhetorical breakthrough. Full story»  LONDON -- King Charles III is keeping everyone guessing what type of cancer he has got, after news came out that the recently crowned monarch of the English-speaking world (except the USA) is suffering from this disease.
People are betting on how many months he has left. For fans of Princess Diana, this looks like karma. Full story»  CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (UPDATED) -- The United States is set to return to the Moon for the first time in over 50 years, as the Vulcan Centaur blasted off Monday for a soft landing.
NASA has partnered with private companies, outsourcing the jobs of reading inspiring scripts over loudspeakers and frying schoolteachers to a crisp. Full story» |
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story» |
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