United Kingdom general election, 2015
|United Kingdom general election, 2015|
|Date||7th May 2015|
|Turnout||Everyone above the age of 40|
|Prime Minister appointed||David Cameron|
|Government formed||Conservative majority|
|Funniest election moment||The Liberal Democrats|
|Veteran's Award winner||The Queen|
The United Kingdom general election, 2015 took place on the 7th May 2015 to allow the two institutions of the BBC and the City of London to compete in deciding who runs the country for the next 5 years. The result of the general election was the longest list of resignations since Jeremy Clarkson's catering team left the BBC with him. Eventually the entire British political system resigned, explaining why it no longer decides who runs the country today.
The major parties in the UK general election 2015 were chosen through a careful vetting process by the BBC's Political Betterment Determination Department. Apart from the Conservative Party, each major party stood as an alternative to the status quo, even the Liberal Democrats, who had formed part of the previous status quo government and so ended up standing against themselves - something they did with spectacular success.
The Conservative Party was led by David Cameron, whose wife Samantha (known to her media friends as Sam Cam) has a dolphin tattoo. After going to Eton, “Dave” wanted to be a lorry driver, but left to become a Prime Minister because he couldn’t stand the bullshit and politics. He is the thirteenth cousin of Kim Kardashian, both sharing a common ancestor landowner and prolific womaniser, Sir William Spencer. He is also related to Winston Churchill, Winston Cigarettes and Winston Wolf.
The Conservatives' main pledges were to eliminate poor people, make course specific cutlery and silver service compulsory for truck stops, and replace sweary TV chefs with harp concertos. Their campaign strategy simply consisted of sticking their fingers in their ears and repeatedly shouting "the economy!" every time any other issue was brought up by other parties.
The message of the Conservatives was clear: Vote Conservative and we can keep going as usual pretending that the economic recovery plan is working. Vote anything else and change might happen. As for Britain's actual social and environmental disasters — these are complicated issues and solutions might require money.
At the helm of the Labour Party was Ed Miliband. He did not like to show his wife as she is not as attractive as Sam Cam, did not have an animal tattoo and only two small kitchens. Ed also kept quiet that he went to Oxford University to study economics. Unlike Dave, or the ethos of the Labour Party, Ed had no working class aspirations. After a short stint as a TV journalist, he became Chairman of HM Treasury's Council of Economic Advisers; which he didn’t like to talk about.
If elected Miliband promised to make his entire party have a phantom pregnancy to understand women and the NHS and also commented that, "it would be so cool to be elected". Labour's campaign message was twofold:
- Labour is not Blairite anymore. It has moved on into the 1940s, into true democratic socialist ideals.
- Labour is still Blairite, as Ed Miliband has a property worth £2.3 million with two kitchens and so holds true to the Blairite ideals that everyone in Britain is upper middle class.
The Liberal Democrats were headed by Nick Clegg. The ex-journalist is the grandson of Kira von Engelhardt Freiin von Smolensk a Russian baroness, and great great grandson of Attorney-General of the Russian senate, Ignatiy Platonovich Zakrevsky. As the third leader in a row to find themselves in charge of the wrong party, Clegg’s policies were “whatever they said comrade”.
The Liberal Democrats' campaign addressed the key strength of the Liberal Democrats — that they were weak. Their campaign posters were required to include Nick Clegg's puffy face, just to remind people of whom he is, and also a yellow background, to attempt colour-coordinated marketing of their party.
The message of the Liberal Democrats was that they were good at breaking two things. One of them is the barrier between constituents and their MP. The Lib Dem MPs were always warm and friendly and looked out for their community. In fact Liberal Democrats were always rushing around doing errands for their electorate and sometimes breaking the speed limit while doing so. The second one of these was promises. The Liberal Democrats broke promises off the promise-making tree like there was no tomorrow.
The UK Independence Party (UKIP) was led by Nigel Farage, a beer drinking far right activist. Farage left the Conservative Party in 2002 to found UKIP and to find all the other swiveled-eyed loons who'd disappeared from the Conservative back benches over the years. He was only one of two leaders in the right right party.
UKIP wanted to ban foreigners but were not allowed by law. Instead their manifesto pledged to get immigration down to zero and eventually minus figures by 2016. They promised compulsory skinhead shaves for men and free Doc Martin boots by 2020. The message of the UKIP campaign was remarkably clear — The beautiful English landscape is a suitable deterrent to prevent people escaping countries stricken with poverty, war and disease from coming to the British Isles. They also promised to administer cuts to public services and wanted to scrap workplace discrimination laws in order to help poor British workers who relied on welfare and who weren't getting a chance to work because corporate bosses preferred cheap foreign labour.
UKIP's party posters and election broadcasts featured the White Cliffs of Dover, Brunel's ingenious engineering masterpiece that prevents low-flying transport planes full of immigrants from ever landing on British soil. The Cliffs are a great triumph of the British construction industry, which had recently become infiltrated by Eastern Europeans who get away without working because of the EU's Health and Safety Political Correctness Nonsense Laws. UKIP dispensed with most of the words in their election campaign for greater appeal to Britain's illiterate voters.
Natalie Bennett led the Green Party. She was yet another bloody journalist that didn’t get enough coverage from their editor, so went into party leading so see who has the last laugh. Bennett is an Aussie that studied Asians and farmers in Sydney, before following Kylie Minogue over to the UK for a salary boost.
The Green party pledged to make absolutely everything green, including the roads, houses, sofas and even your skin. This made the Greens a popular party with Dulux Paint employees and tattooists. The Greens mustered enough money through busking and a sponsored expedition up Kilimanjaro to fund an election campaign. The campaign was constructed from 100% recyclable materials such as paper, wood, and the blood of party members.
Their anti-austerity message separated them distinctly from Labour. After all Labour had never been in a council coalition with the Conservatives before. They made it explicitly clear that where they would fail to deliver environmental policies they would deliver anti-austerity policies and where they would fail to deliver anti-austerity policies they would deliver environmental ones. Sometimes, they admitted, they would even fail to deliver both.
A bunch of hot-headed Scots got together to challenge not just the established political system of austerity but the idea of the United Kingdom itself. After failing to get their way with the Scottish Referendum of 2014, Alex Salmond went and hid from the media as a general election candidate and Nicola Sturgeon stepped up to fill the gap, who confusingly wasn't even standing in the election.
The SNP pledged an end to the English economy, an end to the English welfare cuts, and an end to England itself. The SNP campaign originally was only focused on appealing to Scottish voters, however part way through the campaign, the SNP were forced to react to polls that claimed that a substantial percentage of English voters would vote SNP if they had had the chance to in the election. Sturgeon quickly declared that she would vote Labour or Green if residing in England and Plaid Cymru if residing in Wales in order to accidently promote more media attention for the SNP. This led to confusion when some thought that the SNP party leader had just defected from her party.
With the SNP, the Green Party, UKIP, Plaid Cymru and the Northern Irish parties (DUP and Sinn Fein amongst them) being classified as major minor parties, a new wave of parties filled the gap of minor parties in the UK general election. These parties pledged all forms of bizarre, non-mainstream policies such as raising the minimum wage, supporting local hospitals and libraries, and as the BBC points out, most laughably "universal peace".
The Respect Party was headed by George Galloway. In the few years before the election, Respect had lost a lot of respect after failing to respect women’s rights, abortion and gay rights to attract Muslims; making their position in society fairly bomb proof, but committing Political suicide for other voters.
Christian Alliance Party and Christian Party
The Christian Alliance Party and the Christian Party coordinated their efforts to stand in the election without opposing each other. They hoped to finally create the Christian Alliance, a concept that was flawed when the Christian Party and the Christian Peoples' Party split from the Christian Alliance Party and allied against the Christian Alliance Party. The leader of the Christian Alliance Party assured viewers on the Daily Politics Show, "The reasons for the split were hysterical...I mean historical and now we are looking to reunite our parties after this general election. The difference in our names can be forgotten, but I still stand by my accusation that last year's floods were a result of gay marriage."
Communist Party of Britain (CPB)
The Communist Party of Britain (Not to be confused with, Communist Party of Britain (Marxist-Leninist), Revolutionary Communist Party of Britain (Marxist-Leninist), Communist Party of Great Britain or any other split from the Church of England) stood 9 candidates for the general election. They were the only party that did not need to write a manifesto, as they had already released a manifesto worldwide that has become the second most sold book in the history of the world, ironically providing a lot of income to bookshop owners.
In accordance with true Leninist principles, the Communist Party of Britain's General Secretary assured the public that they had made sure that they stood in Labour safe seats, so as not to hinder the Labour Party in the General election campaign. This seemed to be a recognition of the fact that the Communist Party will have to seize power instead of obtaining it democratically.
The English Democrats were a split from UKIP, and should not be confused with the EDL, which crucially has "League" at the end of the name. They wanted a devolved parliament for England, thus giving the English the same rights as their oppressed Scottish and Welsh counterparts.
TUSC (Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition)
The Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition or TUSC for short was the largest of the minor parties. Unlike the Communist Party, their National Chair said, "Our founder Bob Crow always told the Labour Party to f**k off and that is the legacy that we will continue." Also unlike the Communist Party, they are Trotskyists so despite the temptation to seize power through revolution, they tried to win an election democratically by fielding candidates in 1/6 of the possible seats. Unfortunately this doesn't work, the Conservative Party's results in the general election show that to win the election and form a government you only need to stand candidates in 1/3 of the possible seats.
The North-East Party proposed to crown Cheryl Cole the Queen of England, put Newcastle's name on globes of the world rather than merely on its beer bottles, and attack Yorkshire First for dividing the North-Eastern cause. Their party leader said, "Frankly, when I set up this party the support I got was amazing. I really, really want to win. My grandma is counting on it. I'm so proud of the industrial achievements of the North-East."
The party that led the country through the First World War with their leader, Prime Minister Lloyd George, fielded a grand total of 4 parliamentary candidates in the election. After the Liberal Party signed a deal with the Social Democrat Party to become the Liberal Democrats, some members of the Liberal Party remained loyal to the cause of libertarianism and continued under the name of the old party. Their liberal attitudes to politics meant that they didn't bother to campaign substantially in the election as they wanted people to stop having a fundamentalist devotion to politics. Their lack of support showed that simply by adding democracy into a political party name it can achieve an extra few million votes.
The Conservatives' plan to create a seven day NHS was well received by the general public. Previously the NHS had run on a six day system and had difficulty matching their calendar with everyone else's. Cameron suggested that as the Pagan Druid Calender was no longer in use across the rest of the country, it was time to change it. Doctors working in the NHS had not been aware that Sunday existed as a day, as when they were at medical school they had had no rest days for 7 consecutive years.
Other efficiency initiatives the Conservatives proposed to introduce were to replace all medicine with paracetamol, force ambulance staff to use buses instead of petrol-guzzling ambulances, and cut 100% of the pay to NHS staff. The Conservative Party claimed that these steps will free up enough money to bribe the courts in Prince Andrew's sex allegation trial.
Labour had deep-rooted support for the NHS. Miliband himself was indebted to the NHS for the strong dose of drugs that the Labour Party forced the NHS to administer on him that made him appear like a left-wing super hero. The medication was good through May, but possible after-effects if he had got in power may have included a light spate of broken promises, followed by a decline in policy standards for the next five years. Metropolitan Police vowed to investigate the use of drugs during Miliband's campaign, but were busy counting out the £1,000 pound notes that turned up in the Trade Unions treasury chests around the time of Miliband's campaign for Labour leader.
Non-dom tax contraceptives
In early April, Labour changed direction on the road to economic recovery and announced that it would scrap non-dom tax contraceptives if it was to get in power. "Non-dom" is short for "non-domicile" and is a tax status that allows wealthy people all the pleasure and happiness that comes from being rich without actually having to pay tax. Ed Balls who had proposed the idea of scrapping them commented at the time, "It's quite an ingenious tax contraceptive. You simply slip it onto your tax status and then you can go round, willy-nilly, earning as much money as you want without having to expel some of that money into the hole in the government bank vault. However it simply isn't fair on those who don't have non-doms."
The Conservatives responded by pointing out that in countries like France where no one had non-doms the top wealthiest people leave the country. In France the consequences of earning lots of money could be an unexpected burden on the family and the government turning up to clean up any money that went down a tax loop-hole by accident.
The issue of the environment stood out in the election campaign thanks to the popular media coverage of the issue. Many major financial corporations in the City of London pointed out numerous times during the campaign that politicians really needed to think about the environment and not just the economy.
Thanks to this overwhelming coverage the Green Party found it hard to stand out and attract support from the eco-friendly population. So in a last-ditch effort, Natalie Bennett declared that she was to self-compost after the election if she failed to gain a parliamentary seat. This would involve Bennett being recycled and transformed into a new Green Party leader, which would save on the resources required to construct and maintain a new one. She proposed to go to the bottom of her garden and "let nature take its course". Bennett refused to say if other Green politicians would also end up in the compost heap if they fail but added that at least 'you'll get a good crop of carrots' from her next year, unlike the toxic residue from other party political leaders.
David Cameron made a claim part-way through the campaign that Labour had plans to form a coalition with the SNP that would include scrapping Britain's nuclear deterrent Trident programme. Cameron instead suggested that Labour and the SNP planned to use the Yellow Submarine to defend the British Isles from nuclear attacks instead. Ed Miliband laughed this claim off before sending his advisors away to work out how much it would cost to buy the Yellow Submarine off the Beatles.
The Liberal Democrat spokesperson Nick Harvey said he saw no need for Trident to be patrolling the seas 24/7. He said the UK has "no known nuclear adversary," Russia, France, and North Korea/Iran being merely testy nuclear pinochle partners. He told BBC Radio 4 that three submarines would be ample deterrence to any nuclear threat, each one patrolling each of the three seas in the World.
The Green Party suggested replacing the Trident programme and in fact the entire Royal Navy with Green Peace's flagship The Rainbow Warrior, which would strike fear into any nuclear warhead-armed threat - whether it be an oil rig or a whaling ship. This huge cut in military spending would enable the Green Party to focus on some sensible renewable energy plans such as covering the entire length and breadth of the United Kingdom in two layers of solar panels and installing wind turbines just outside Canary Wharf.
Immigration and the EU
The hopes of UKIP were dashed when the entirety of mainstream media boycotted the issue during the election campaign. Hundreds of hours of BBC News 24's time was dedicated to interviewing ordinary British residents who were outraged that their racist voices weren't being heard during the campaign on mainstream media. Never the less UKIP still persisted with anti-immigration policies by telling the Conservative Party that UKIP would only give them two choices, either scrap Britain's membership to the EU and reform immigration or scrap immigration and reform the EU. Many Kippers were secretly hoping that the Conservatives would give in to the latter demand.
The Labour Party along with the BBC attempted to deny the existence of immigration. In fact Labour slipped a policy into their manifesto claiming that they would reclassify all immigrants as tourists if they got in power. UKIP didn't mind this too much as UKIP's own constitution classifies tourists as foreign scum to be exploited.
Election campaign highlights
The election campaign officially started just before April, however many claim that it started in September of 2014 at the time of the Scottish Referendum. The election campaign was so long that even Tony Blair took time out from destabilising Middle-Eastern countries in order to say a few words
for a payment of £5 million for the Labour Party's campaign.
Miliband pledges pledges
With 100 days to go until the vote, Miliband announced his intention to pledge pledges during the election campaign. Speaking at a Welsh Labour conference Miliband said, "Look. I want people to know that I will do anything to get in pow...to help them. That's why whatever they want, I will pledge that I will deliver it. In fact I pledge that I will deliver pledges."
Miliband started with a pledge that Labour would win the election, a claim that many felt unsure about. However Ed then pledged that he would keep that pledge, which satisfied the majority of his supporters. Amongst his many pledges were a pledge to win all the seats in the Home Counties, a pledge that Labour would stay in government for the next 20 years, and a pledge that Labour would ban other parties from making pledges as they fail to keep theirs.
In the final week of the election campaign, the Labour Party unveiled a stone plinth whereupon Miliband's pledges were engraved. Cameron commented that Miliband had "written his lies in stone" whereas Miliband felt himself akin to Moses. He would later go on to part the waves through a poor election campaign, allowing the Conservatives to safely cross the treacherous waters into government again.
UKIP rejects pact with the Monster Raving Loony Party
Nigel Farage ruled out an alliance with the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (OMRLP). In a speech made inside a crowded pub whilst out campaigning for the British general election. Farage stopped long enough from grinning and drinking a pint of beer to explain why he thought there was 'no chance' of an electoral pact.
"The Monster Raving Loony party are far too sensible and sober for my supporters," said Farage above the sound of Keep the White Cliffs of Dover White being played on an endless loop. "I see no point in joining forces with them, they're a sad legacy party from the days of Lord Sutch. The British electorate have a stark choice: If you want to have fun and get pissed in the General Election, UKIP is for you." Farage was then helped out of the pub and allowed a 'short nap' before moving onto his next
drinking photo opportunity.
Despite criticisms that the party's candidates were more 'nasty' than 'funny', the party selected the following for their key electoral battlegrounds:
- Fred Fruitcake (West Foaming-in-the-Mouth)
- Anna Ranter (Bonkers South)
- Sam Purple-Spandex (Twerpthorpe & Twittingham)
- Watney Boozer (Old Bore)
UKIP party spokesperson Winston Sepia-Tones said he 'was confident' that UKIP would be able to offer a candidate in every seat and that contrary to impressions, the party 'welcomed' everyone with sandwiches, even if some were short of a full traditional English picnic. Since Farage announced this, the following UKIP candidates were deselected: Jack the Ripper, Richard III, and Jeremy Clarkson for defecting back to the Conservative Party.
A damning letter written by one hundred top corporate bosses to the British public declaring their support for the Conservative Party and condemning Labour's economic policies proved to be a thorn in the side of the Labour Party. To have a chance of the letter reaching constituents through Royal Mail's labyrinth of black holes, the executives produced millions of copies of this letter. George Osborne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer was amazed at how quick the response had been to his speech given to CEOs at their reunion meeting in Eton only days before.
Labour's marketing team immediately found away to spin the subject of the letter away from the issue of the economy (which they didn't like talking about) and towards the issue of the environment (a subject the Conservatives find controversial at best). The Labour Party launched a renewable energy initiative to use the "scrap" paper as fuel to heat the homes of hundreds of thousands of pensioners across the United Kingdom. Miliband commented that he would make no bones about the fact that Labour wasn't out to back big business but was out to burn private property.
The Green Party in an effort to look different from Labour, attacked Labour's plan to burn the paper. The Greens conceded that the absolute greed of the rich made the letters a reliable and renewable source of energy, but warned that burning the paper would cause pollution, releasing hate for the poor out into public spaces where it could have irritated people. Green leader Natalie Bennett said that the Green Party would recycle the paper by passing it around to members of the public to show them the evidence that crony businesses ran the political system.
The general response to the ITV leaders' debate was that all other leaders were dubbed "overprepared" apart from Nigel Farage, who was the only politician who came across as a normal Briton by being the most obnoxious and scapegoating foreigners and immigrants at every possible juncture.
While Ed Miliband was accused of trying to sex-up viewers by staring down the lens with those bulbous dark eyes, David Cameron was criticised for being "ill at ease" defending his record, Nick Clegg was criticised for speaking in the first place, and the rest were criticised for being women and having accents that aren't relevant to most British people, Farage came across as the only man in politics left who knew how to talk like your everyday Tommy down the pub; while the others' speech was stuck in the 19th century, his was only stuck in the 1970s.
Although SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon was praised for her promise to tackle austerity, which was not made by any other leader - apart from maybe the Greens and Plaid Cymru, but the BBC didn't notice them. Sturgeon was criticised for understanding economics as it made her look like just another out-of-touch career politician, while Nigel Farage remembered the only thing that matters to the British electorate is to talk and act like them, and so put Britain's problems squarely on AIDS patients and refugees.
Opposition leaders' debate
During the Opposition leaders' debate it became apparent that Ed Miliband had a crush on Nicola Sturgeon and they acted out a love-hate relationship in front of the audience of left-wing scum whom the BBC had selected. However Miliband's hopes were dashed when Sturgeon, Bennett and Wood revealed their polygamist lesbian relationship on stage, leaving him looking dumbfounded and leaving Farage looking away and muttering, "damn those lefty, gay foreigners".
Farage brought up HIV immigrants again, just in case the Guardian hadn't heard the first time. They had heard the first time but were happy to do a front cover story condemning Farage for being Hitler, for a second time. Nick Clegg and David Cameron were both absent forcing the BBC to turn the event into a discussion between the leaders who had never run the country before talk about their idealistic utopias absent of the economy or of immigrants. When Miliband realized that Cameron had failed to show up, he stared into the camera, his eyes began to swirl with a funny colour pattern and he said, "Well that's disgraceful, isn't it? Perhaps he doesn't want to be Prime Minister."
Northern Ireland votes against same-sex marriage
On 27th April, Sinn Féin, SDLP and the Alliance and Green Parties attempted to pass a law in the Stormont Parliament which would allow same-sex couples to marry. This proved a fruitless challenge as the two most hated parties in Northern Ireland, Sinn Fein and the SDLP, were trying to pass an anti-hate bill. Naturally, it did not pass.
Same-sex marriage has been an issue that has caused deep controversy in the Stormont Parliament as Northern Ireland is a deeply religious country and trying to accommodate pedophilic rape into the definition of gay sex is proving difficult for the Catholic Church. Sinn Féin, Green Party, Alliance and SDLP voted in favour of the motion DUP, TUV and UKIP voted against with UUP remaining neutral which resulted in 47 votes for and 49 against the bill. This result is surprising as usually parties in Northern Ireland are very united when it comes to matters of religion.
Queries were raised about why Sinn Féin, ironically full of anti-unionists, would be so keen to pass a bill that introduces a new type of union. One theory suggests that the IRA, Sinn Fein's predecessor, were actually an undercover gay rights group and that Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness actually were involved in a gay affair. Another is that the Catholic Church had invented a devious new way of locating sinners. When Leader of Sinn Féin, Adams, was asked why his party is trying to pass the bill despite it failing multiple times he responded by saying, "It's them fecking DUPers being loyal to the fecking Queen and their fecking conservative Unionist shit." Reporters attempted to interview McGuinness but he was too busy shifting Gerry Adams.
Brand and Miliband interview
Miliband surprised voters by managing to put up with Russell Brand for fifteen minutes. The Labour leader smashed the nine-minute record held by Newsnight and managed to remain conscious, lucid and only retched four times during his time with Mr Brand, surprising even the most hardened renal nurse. After two minutes, eyes started moving towards the clock, as it was evident Miliband had been holding his breath up to this point, giving answers such as “sknnneww” and “krrruerk” through gritted teeth and bluing lips.
Appearing after a three-hour post-interview shower, the Labour leader said it was by far the most challenging point of his political career to date, but proves he is a hard campaigner and tough leadership material. The breakthrough came as he was forced to draw breath to prevent loss of consciousness. “I was afraid that passing out in front of Brand was too easy an option,” the Labour leader told the press afterwards. “Peter Hitchings hit the deck after three minutes and I knew I was heading that way as soon as the noise of the buzzing flies started to fade in my ears. There was no way I was going to let a right-wing polemicist manage to sit near Brand longer than me, it would be election suicide."
The move proved to be a good one, though, as the video was viewed over 200,000 times, surpassing the Labour Party’s Political Broadcast figures by a factor of 133; although it was not clear whether viewers were young voters, free divers or just those enjoying watching the Labour leader’s head go purple and veiny. Brand later told his supporters to vote Labour, a move that failed to bring Miliband any support as Brand's supporters either hadn't registered or had completely lost faith in him.
Celebrity murderers back national party coalition
In a last minute bid to persuade voters to make the right decision for the future of a fair, safe and balanced United Kingdom, celebrity murderers urged the population to slit regular party’s throats by voting for the Nationalists; or actually slitting the regular party’s throats, just a week before voting day.
Celebrity killers Ian Brady and Rosemary West, the Justin Bieber and Katy Perry of the murdering world, announced their support of a UKIP and SNP coalition. The celebrated slaughterers felt that the corporate controlled (including the BBC) lower middle class, collusive, servile media generated a false appearance of democracy and free speech, in a spineless population constantly asking, "Am I actually allowed to kill someone for my own twisted personal satisfaction or gain?” They described politicians as vermin and denounced the three main party leaders.
Brady and West went on to applaud the ruthlessness of the SNP, and saw them as the main party “for the people”; provided the people are not Welsh, Irish or English. Brady thought that a coalition with UKIP would have provided a fair and balanced government and was adamant that many wrongs do make a right. Brady and West, who were both serving life sentences, said they get their news from Al-Jazeera, remarkably the only TV channel available to the country’s worst criminals.
The Liberal Democrats and Scottish Labour claim they'll be alright
Mid-way through April Clegg had announced that the Liberal Democrats had bought a London taxi cab to take their MPs into work in the next parliament, however as the campaign drew to a close the Liberal Democrats' optimism soared. Their support during the parliamentary term before the election had gone from 20% of the electoral population to under 8%. This led to predictions that the party will lose every seat, except four where voters still think it is the age of William Gladstone. Despite this they remained confident even to this day - denying that the election results have been released yet and turning up outside Westminster to sit on the pavement and act out a model Liberal Democrat parliament.
The Scottish Labour party was thought to revive after Ed Miliband's Socialism Sentinel was installed in Jim Murphy's bedroom. The formerly black granite monolith, which was re-painted white, was said to have 'recuperative' powers and would soon have the party 'jumping around'. Polls predicted that Scottish Labour would be 'wiped out to the last red jock' by the SNP in the election. Luckily for Scottish Labour, one of the SNP candidates turned out to be a racist so they retained one seat.
The result of the election was a win for the City of London. Red faces and absurd metaphors filled the newswires on the morning that the result was announced as the British public voted against the BBC. The taxpayer funded “neutral” BBC described the result as “extraordinary” and were reeling from the loss of power they thought they would acquire over the country and its Ministers. They announced their defeat on their children's programme, Newsround. Main BBC News channels were busy claiming no one predicted the result — except, of course, every poll throughout the campaign and sixty million members of the British general public.
The Sun who backed the City of London in the election declared that the election outcome had nothing to do with the media and that people should stop comparing the battle between Labour and the Conservatives as a battle between the BBC and the whole financial institution with the support of every media corporation Rupert Murdoch owns - that was simply a coincidence.
British politics was forced to resign after it had predicted that the election would provide an exciting result. It admitted to violating the law that the party not in government must always do better than the party in government.
The opposition parties suffered heavy setbacks. Both the Greens and UKIP were unable to make gains, UKIP losing one of its seats thanks to an unordinary amount of sane people in that constituency. The Liberal Democrats lost almost everything, but their wealthy donors kept their party funds intact and their reputation, if anything, actually improved. The Labour Party lost the greatest hope British politics had had for nearly 50 years, a small chance of having a Prime Minister Balls.
The Queen won the battle with both dementia and Prince Charles to remain Head of State. This role she has pledged to fulfill for the next five years even if that would make her the oldest woman alive by that time.
Outcome under proportional representation
Political analysts speculated what the outcome would have been like if the system used was proportional representation instead of first-past-the-post. Using the D'Hondt system they discovered the horrifying truth that if the election were to have been carried out with proportional representation, the United Kingdom would have elected a Communist regime.
The Communist Party of Britain may have only put 9 candidates forward for the election in a bid for 650 seats but with each candidate roughly obtaining 100-300 votes, this would have added up enough to give the party a 412 seat majority in the House of Commons under proportional representation, an unprecedented majority in British political history.
Under proportional representation the Green Party would have obtained 32 seats, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party would have got 2 seats, the Cannabis is Safer than Alcohol party would have got 6 seats and the Let's Replace Swearwords with "Bottom" and "Willy" Party would have enough seats to form an entire opposition cabinet. Political analysts agree that if Britain had let this election result take place through proportional representation, there would have been no chance of a better future for Britain at all. Both the Conservatives and Labour pointed out that this is why they insist on sticking to the current voting system as it prevents a Leninist take-over of the country.
The Middle-class-hating middle-class women who think they are working-class were confounded by the Tories' victory in the election. Attractive daughters of sheet welders and market traders, having achieved their career aspiration by marrying “the guy with the Porsche” during the Blair Years, were left feeling both relieved and furious at the same time. One wife of a car showroom owner here, Debz Wenderbury-Hampshire-Scruggins, could barely contain her relief that the Tories were in power again. The country club didn’t close, and her son, Tristram-Ronaldo, could remain at private school. However, she was also livid that those posh, fox-eating, capitalist, Conservative rapists were in power again.
- 10 May - Tory win puts gold-diggers in quandary
- 09 May - UK considers outcomes under proportional representation
- 08 May - British politics resigns
- 08 May - BBC loses General Election
- 05 May - Celebrity murderers back National party coalition
- 05 May - Scottish Labour to make a comeback
- 03 May - Sinn Fein attempt to legalise gay marriage
- 01 May - Green Party leader to 'self compost' after election
- 01 May - UK parties unveil last-minute campaign posters
- 29 Apr - Miliband tolerates Russell Brand for fifteen minutes
- 25 Apr - Minor parties under the spotlight
- 21 Apr - Liberal Democrats prepare for the worst
- 17 Apr - Opposition leaders' debate isolates Miliband
- 16 Apr - UK declares national “state of apathy”
- 11 Apr - Yellow Submarine to replace Britain's Trident deterrent
- 08 Apr - Labour to scrap "non-dom" tax contraceptive
- 05 Apr - SNP leader dithers over her vote
- 03 Apr - Nigel Farage "only human" to attend ITV debate
- 01 Apr - Bosses' letter fuels proposed renewable energy scheme
- 01 Apr - UKIP rejects electoral pact with Monster Raving Loony party
- 31 Mar - UK Election countdown who’s who
- 31 Mar - Plaid Cymru propose to unleash Wales onto the UK
- 29 Mar - Cameron proposes a seven-day NHS
- 14 Feb - Miliband pledges pledges