Vauxhall Motors

This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Vauxhall Motors.

Griffin House, headquarters of Vauxhall

Vauxhall Motors Ltd (officially registered as Le Moteurs Peugeot de Grand Bretagne Plc) is a British car manufacturer currently owned by Peugeot (pronounced Poo Joe) a stinky decrepid froggy poo poo car manufacturer from French France.

In a now infamous multi million pound deal British Television legend Des Lynam paid Poo Joe to buy Vauxhall from General Motors .

Vauxhall has always had an identity crisis. Founded in Britain in 500 BC Vauxhall began making inflatable unicycles progressing into motor vehicles in 1903. It was taken over by the cataclysmic window lickers at General Motors who bought Fauxhall bought it on the express instructions of Frank Sinatra.

GM forced it to commit incest with Opel, a German company in a land where funny sausages are made. This turned Fauxhall into the worlds second shittest car company (after Ford) to make Opel's boring products.

Vauxhall's motto is "Be proud of who you are" which all of their drivers aren't. Vauxhalls are advertised by Lenny Henry or Bobby Davro using the tag line "everything's shit apart from the price....and even that's shit"

Vauxhall is so shite that UK police forces use them as response cars.

Vauxhall Family Cars[edit]

On top of having no nationality, Vauxhall have also wondered which company owned them. Sometimes Vauxhalls have DAS OPEL badge on them in Europe, the Holden badge in Australia and that nerdy kid of GM, the Saturn badge in the US. This is mainly due to it's parent company, GM, to being a vicious pervert, forcing Opel, Holden and Vauxhall to commit awful acts of automobile-related, incestuous rape in the basement from the Butterfly Effect. This means all the cars these companies make are inbred, with boring results (Vauxhall), manic results (Holden) or, the worst of them all, German results, (Opel).

Many chavs have taken the Vauxhall C(h)avalier as their vehicle of choice, which they use to drive around their estate, pimping it out to attract the attention of the local slaaaag Brandice or Shaniqua. They they ritually burn the car on some wasteland, before being apprehended by the local constabulary. Or, before burning it, it is instead used as a battle ram for the local Spar/One Stop/Local convenience store. The chavs then loot the shop and splurge out, by buying a stolen BMW instead.

Vauxhall Sports Cars[edit]

Vauxhall's only sports car is the VX200, 200 being the amount of horsepower it has. 200HP is not very much, but the VX200 is superlight, meaning it does 0-60mph in 4 seconds. It is based on the Lotus Elton but was less popular due to badge problems. Vauxhall have recently recognised that problem and have since made it even lighter and cheaper than the Lotus. It is not as fast but it has more power as a result of being turbocharged.

VXR is Vauxhall's name for it's super maxed-out family cars. The Corsa, Astra, Vectra, Meriva and Zafira all got their small engines swapped for huge grunting ones nicked from a German dumpster. With the iconic red paintwork, huge rims and body kits, they're a real chav's motor. Expect to see more and more of them as Vauxhall's noble depreciation takes its toll and minimum wage McDonald's workers can afford them. Vauxhall have also added cars to the range especially for VXR, like the Monaro and its replacement the VXR8 - a family saloon with an American V8 bolted to it. The Vauxhall Vectra VXR has the same power-to-weight ratio as many of todays sportscars and is actually 5th most powerful family saloon. Vauxhall used to be in the sensible market; for family men with no lead in their pencil. Now, they've built the worlds most powerful MPV - the Vauxhall Zafira VXR. Well done.

Advertising and Appeal[edit]

Vauxhall is a murderer of the eyes when it comes to advertising with both the "Little Pricks Trying to be Grown Ups" and "What the Fuck are these Sock Puppets?" campaigns both being of tremendous daily annoyance to those residing in the UK. Despite this second-hand Vauxhalls made out of old Russian oil rigs sell my the millions due to the "Pimp My Old Banger" generation. Vauxhalls falling into this category often have speaker systems at least five times more powerful than the engine which is usually run by hamsters. In cheaper models the hamsters are replaced by plauge-ridden rats with asthma.