Chipotle Mexican Grill
| Mommy, I don’t feel so good | |
 | |
Business Type |
Public front for Illuminati |
|---|---|
| Traded as | NYSE: UHOH |
| Industry | Food: Casual disregard |
| Founded | 1539 |
| Founder | Hernando de Soto, Steve Ells (modern) |
| Headquarters | Denver, Colorado |
| Locations | 2276.523 |
| Area served | ’Merica, Canada, United Kingdom, borderline shithole countries |
| Employees | 63,200 (666 healthy) |
| Revenue | US$3.7 billion |
Fines and lawsuits |
US$3.7 billion |
| Total assets | US$189.35 |
Curses for/against |
1/1,287 |
Chipotle Mexican Grill Inc. is a publicly-owned corporation[1] that has over 2200 fast casual[2] restaurants located around the world including Canada[3]. Restaurants offer a number of Mexican-style offerings with a core menu of tacos, bowls, salads and their unique versions of Mission burritos.
Locations are generally clad in a distinctive metal sheathing, eliminating the need for lightning rods in most restaurants. This is required because Chipotle stores are being continuously struck by lightning. Nonetheless, constant lightning combined with black clouds above the chain's restaurants make the locations easy to find by customers. Parking is always available around Chipotle restaurants as patrons of nearby businesses have been frightened off by frequent earthquakes and the moaning and screaming of angry spirits. Rather than being a corporation accused of doing a deal with The Devil, the company seems to have earned the wrath of God or at least of vengeful spirits.
History
The company has its roots in the Hernando de Soto expedition (1539-1541) that traveled through what is now the southern and central regions of the United States. Waving expired coupons and demanding free fast food from villages he encountered, de Soto earned the wrath of tens of thousands of angry natives. As he traveled with a large herd of pigs for an emergency food supply, he would set up barbecue stands to exchange for silver and gold. However, the pigs carried brucellosis, anthrax[4], leptospirosis, tuberculosis, trichinosis, cysticercosis and influenza. As Native Americans had little immunity to such diseases or tolerance for the squealing and grunting noises during conquistador pig orgies, the natives perished in droves. The La Salle expeditions of the mid-1600s reported empty lands as they explored the same areas traveled by de Soto who had reported thousands of villages full of angry Indians. La Salle also found a remnant native population dead set against takeout food of any kind and who refused to worship religious icons[5] left earlier by Spanish missionaries.
A distant descendant of de Soto was Steve Ells, who was living in Colorado. In 1963, he was driving a truck full of tortillas being delivered to Golden, where the city would use them for skeet shooting targets. The delivery van hit a moose crossing the highway, though Ells contended it was the other way around.[6] The truck burst into flames and badly burned the moose, though Ells escaped uninjured. He reported to police arriving at the scene that the moose was already on fire when it hit the vehicle. Bystanders report hearing the moose uttering a curse on tortillas before it expired. Not one to waste things, Ells cut up the moose, dusted off the spilled tortillas and sold tacos to the firefighters and news crews covering the accident. They proved to be a big hit and he was on his way. He had to be, since the health department was notified.
The first Chipotle restaurant was constructed in Denver in a swamp. Residents of the Mile-High City mocked Ells for building a restaurant in the swamp. But he built it all the same, just to show them. The first restaurant sank into the swamp. So he built a second one. That one sank into the swamp. So he built a third one. That burned down, fell over and sank into the swamp. Unwilling to let his life drift into a canonical riff from an old movie, he instead decided to wander dangerously into another movie trope by visiting corporate startup advisor[7] Maleva of Maleva Consultants SA, located in a tent and wagon just outside the Denver city limits. She warned him sternly about Larry Talbot becoming a werewolf[8] which confused Ells at the time, but she also laid out a corporate expansion plan for Ells to follow. As he hastily wrote down her instructions, “Do not build on Indian burial grounds” accidentally became “Build on Indian burial grounds”. This would prove to be a key factor in the company's later efforts.[9]
Before building the fourth restaurant, Ells carefully explained to concerned[10] Yampa residents that Mexican food didn’t mean "Mexico" but was a code word for "Moldova".[11] As the residents were Americans, they had no idea of where or what Moldova was and the resultant confusion allowed construction to progress.
Expansion was swift to the point where, in Colorado Springs, there was an intersection with a Chipotle on each corner. As always, the sites were carefully chosen to be within the boundary of an Indian burial ground. Upper management was pleased when only one of the restaurants was mysteriously swallowed up by the earth during a lightning storm, a far lower loss rate than previously experienced.
Even so, this drew the wrath of Starbucks, who controlled every other intersection in that city. Starbucks hired coffee grower and roaster Summerisle LLC to handle the dispute. Well-known actress Bea Arthur and tennis player Bea Bielik were dispatched by them to negotiate. While Chipotle's legal department head was heard to exclaim "Not the Beas!" when he heard about this, he nevertheless traveled to Summerisle headquarters to work out an agreement. The deal turned out to be that he was to be roasted along with 40 metric tons of coffee in exchange for Chipotle getting a 400-year Druidic curse placed on an unnamed competitor.
While every location scrupulously followed the core plan[12], it was found that restaurants in Brodhead, Caribou, Coalmont and Querida were doing very little business. After months of research, their lackluster performance turned out to be due to the locations being ghost towns. After hearing this, stockholders reasoned that only a wealthy and important company could afford to be so wasteful, sending the stock price soaring to $27 a share.
Today, the corporation is headquartered on the second floor of the Overlook Hotel. While the building is rumored to be haunted, the only problem reported so far was that Ells was run over by a staffer riding a three-wheeled vehicle. Chipotle considers the oceans of blood that pour from the elevators every month or so to be a standard maintenance problem.
Menu
All recipes are based on traditional versions sourced from an ancient cookbook titled The Necronomicon. Ingredients are sourced from organic farmers and ranchers who believe that a little dirt and disease can't hurt anyone. Instead of potentially overcooking ingredients, restaurants carefully place perishables like meat in the windows to be gently cooked by the sun's rays to a guaranteed uniform temperature of 78 degrees. Locations do not have freezers, microwave ovens or running water, assuring customers they have a 100% chance of contacting a food-borne or contact-borne illness. Thus, Chipotle has become a favorite with anti-vaxxers.
Guacamole expert Regan MacNeil admitted problems with obtaining locally-grown avocados in Uppsala, Finland and Volgograd, Russia. MacNeil noted, "It's a bad enough problem to make [one's] head spin." Instead, it was found that exotic alligator pears provided a viable substitute and allowed Chipotle to charge a significant markup on ingredients that could easily be obtained in most local markets in most locations.
Chipotle burrito vs. Mission burrito
While the Chipotle burrito is often described as a Mission burrito, the two types are quite distinct. While both are large compared to traditional burritos, Mission Burrito ingredients are placed in a large tortilla then formed into a secure tubular shape, then wrapped in aluminum,[13] foil. It can be eaten by peeling off sections of foil but can be subject to leakage if any sauce is used. This is opposed to the traditional type that is served on a plate requiring a knife and fork. The Chipotle Burrito has the size of the former, but has all the fillings thrown into the middle and loosely wrapped. That is done so that a patron is allowed drop it at any time and can buy another. Therefore, it still requires the use of a knife and fork when purchased for take out, which will pierce the foil and a hand or lap underneath it besides. Attempts to use plastic forks result in pieces of broken forks flying all over, accounting for the increasing number of one-eyed return patrons and their one-eyed pet dogs.
Queso
The word means "cheese" in Spanish but free interpretation by Tex-Mex genre restaurants now means it is a thick cheese sauce made of melted Velveeta, mixed with colorful but mostly unidentifiable vegetable pieces. Chipotle management points out that only the finest brand of crayons are melted down for its queso, and the grit within is 100% natural from real beaches and organic chicken gizzards. In December 2017, the formula was changed to the standard watered-down Velveeta with glow-in-the-dark orange coloring added liberally, along with a dash of Sriracha hot sauce.[14]
Chipotle's queso was created in order to drive sales of chips. Rather than being used as a dip with chips, it was found that patrons were using queso not only to kill the healthiness in tacos and burritos, but also as tire patches and for trapping vampires. As the revised recipe is thinner in consistency, vampires can no longer be caught and held reliably. With the continued interest in the Twilight franchise, stockholders pushed the stock price up 15%.
New offerings
The company is currently studying several new dishes, from traditional to hybrid. Rumors abound that boiled iguana will soon be available. Menudo sushi may be available later next year. After resisting the installation of drive-through windows, Chipotle is in talks with JiffyLube to service cars of customers waiting to pick up food. The potential for two companies to overcharge customers in a single location seems too good to be true.
Promotions
The Chipotle organization has been in the forefront of using promotional events to drive customers to its restaurants[15] A perennial favorite has been Aztec Days, where an Aztec pyramid has been built in the parking lot, and elaborately costumed actors select a patron, take him or her to the top of the pyramid and sacrifice him to the gods. Another has been Wetback Day, where customers are forced to swim across an authentic reproduction of the Rio Grande River then work fourteen hours straight under hot lights before being rewarded with a taco and a sip of water. Yet another has been Hispanic Salute Day following guidelines from US governmental authorities. This is where actors dressed as the Frito Bandito, Speedy Gonzalez, Enrique Peña Nieto and other colorful characters parade in front of Chipotles insuring that no Mexican will cross the border much less set foot on the premises that day.[16]
Incidents
March 2008. The San Diego, California restaurant was determined by the San Diego County Health Department to be the source of a hepatitis A outbreak. After investigation by the Center for Disease Control (CDC), it was found that lettuce shuffler Mary Mallon was the source despite having no symptoms of her own. She was terminated but given a boxful of competitor's coupons as part of her compensation package. Reassured, confident investors then sent the stock price to $55 a share.
April 2008. Dozens of people became ill in Carne Muerte, Texas after eating at a Chipotle. Local health authorities found the cause was a norovirus infection originating in the burrito assembly area. Line manager Marina Mallon noted that this had occurred several times at that restaurant but that management was establishing protocols to prevent a recurrence. Once again, stockholders were mollified and sent shares to $75 each.
June 2008. Hundreds of customers visiting the Butte, Montana restaurant were sickened by dropsy. This was found to be quite unusual as this was the version of the disease normally contracted by aquarium fish. Assistant Manager Marie Mallon denied ever serving or seeing any aquarium fish enter the premises. While local health authorities warned aquarium fish to thoroughly wash before eating, sporadic outbreaks have continued.
July 2008. The Reno, Nevada store was found to be the source of thousands of cases of Bubonic Plague in the area. Local health authorities suspected the outbreak was due either to a rodent infestation or from employees who worked while ill and passed out in vats of sauce. Night Manager Marianne Mallon vehemently denied this was the case. The outbreak was finally traced to borrowed cleaning rags, mops and brooms from the Center for Disease Control labs in Atlanta. Chipotle management announced a commitment to radioactive sterilization of all cleaning products and cleaning staff as a result. Shareholders signaled their approval by raising stock prices to $88 a share.
August 2008. Dozens of customers of the Kennedy Space Center (Florida) restaurant reported strange symptoms. These included uncontrolled histrionic behavior, disjointed speaking and extreme narcissism. Trekkies on Reddit immediately recognized these as signs of Terellian Flu, a completely fictional disease that is not even part of Star Trek canon. However, the disease or syndrome has reportedly affected at least one Star Trek cast member. Upon hearing this was blamed on mass psychosis, elated investors went on a buying spree, with stock prices reaching the $200 level. While the afflicted still remain so, they are now major contenders for the leading role in future Star Trek movies.
More incidents
August 2011. One of the restaurants in St. Louis, Missouri found itself packed with customers. Management was pleased until they realized that all the customers coming in were zombies. Management and staff were horrified as the undead were extremely slow in deciding what they wanted to order and had expired coupons besides. Despite the prohibition against eating food brought from outside the premises, impatient zombie customers attacked and ate normal customers already seated. The carnage was so complete that first responders stated it was impossible to tell the difference between body parts and spilled food inside.[17] It was only when all the Dasani strawberry-flavored water was gone that the zombie army departed with their cups in an effort to scam the Burger King across the street for free drinks. In anticipation of a zombie apocalypse, shareholders sent the stock price to $345 a share.
November 2011. An outbreak of E. coli, was traced to a Chipotle in Arnette, Texas. This turned out to be a superbug variety, quickly spreading throughout the US and then through the rest of the world. Order completely broke down though nobody seemed to particularly notice any difference in Texas. Survivors reported having two different dreams: one of a kindly Mother Abigail somewhere in Nebraska and one of an evil Randall Flagg based in Las Vegas. As every surviving human went to Las Vegas for the gambling, buffets and Elvis impersonators, no one knows what became of Mother Abigail. Before you could say deus ex machina, everything returned to the way it was. It was discovered that Chipotle executives thought E. coli was a spice and had it added to food, causing mass hallucinations, aside from the hundreds of millions of deaths. After a vaguely mumbled promise to do better, Chipotle was officially pardoned after being fined $50. Concerned investors were disappointed by this and only raised the stock price to $666 a share.
To bring back its remaining customers, Chipotle gave away thousands of gallons of Blue Bell ice cream. A company spokesman noted, "Our scientists said it has Listerine in it and we all know that's a germ-killer, right?"
March 2012. The Oklahoma City restaurant was in the midst of the chain's national Halloween promotion: "come in costume, get two free tacos". The promotion continued despite two masked armed robberies and the resultant loss of four tacos before noon. A man, later identified as Charles Foster Kane, wearing a scorpion-like mask, ordered, paid and sat down to eat. Customers noted that he never removed his mask. He then collapsed and died. His lawyers later brought suit, blaming the two extra tacos for his death. That, and what bystanders described as a wormlike creature that sprang out of his chest. It was assumed to be Kane's emotional support animal, which was never found. Upper management started to become concerned after this happened to the seventy-fifth customer at this location. Chipotle executives became quite suspicious upon contacting the then-current 8-foot tall manager, Ms. Cara Pace. They were further alarmed when instead of providing requested green cards and social security numbers to visiting immigration service (ICE) agents, the manager ate the federal employees in front of customers. Those customers immediately responded as one by taking movies with their phones and posting them on social media.
Attempts to lure the manager out of the restaurant were stymied until a red Tesla was parked outside with the door open. The curious manager investigated the vehicle, who was then trapped inside by malfunctioning door locks. The vehicle and its passenger were then shot into space. The sole remaining employee, "Jonesy" Catt, was transferred to a another nearby Chipotle location.
August 2016. Employees opening the Burkettsville, Maryland restaurant were surprised to find a video camera on the floor along with fifty-eight used film cartridges and an equal number of battery packs. It was found that three film students entered the building after closing in search of paranormal activity. No trace of them was found. It was several months before investigators were physically able to get through the shaky and poor quality images attributed to an earthquake. Some authorities blamed ground upheaval due to instability of the Indian burial grounds, while cynics suspected an irritating film technique was used to try to establish authenticity and to also increase aspirin sales.
The students are seen in the films alternately arguing and screaming while running around in the dark[18] despite the light switches being visible next to the door. Management and police were baffled by their actions as the filmmakers entered before the daily shipments of datura and mescaline were delivered.
In any case, the film cartridges were then edited down by Vice President of Security M. Night Mallon and the resulting movie was released theatrically as The Bland Lunch Project. Chinese spammers,[19] movie fan Kim Jong-un and 4chan members with time on their hands gave the movie high ratings in jest. This spurred moviegoers to return again and again trying to figure out the plot and action, making it the movie of the year.[20] As a result, the ShakyCam[21] was created so that later films could also cause the nausea and headaches now expected by audiences. In honor of the movie, many eBay sellers now use the worst images possible from inexpensive phones to sell their wares. Chipotle stock quickly rose to $940 a share.
July 2017. In less than one year, Chipotle was able to exceed ancient Egypt's record of nine biblical plagues, confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records. The restaurant chain was able to experience the plagues in exact order and reported intensity, affecting millions of customers. The Egyptian government angrily protested, stating that three rats dropping from the ceiling in a Chipotle's Dallas location should not have counted toward the total. Its ambassador pointed out that Egypt was now a US-officially-designated shithole country and that it was as pestilential as ever. Chipotle's Chief of International Operations M. Mary Mallon promised that five restaurants would be built in Egypt in order to compensate. Confused investors took the share price to the $1200 level.
Aftermath
Chipotle stock has dropped precipitously and continues to slump downward (2018). The company expanded into countries where their food is considered too expensive and where the beggars outside are judged healthier-looking than the customers inside. All its other ethnic food attempts have been failures and their restaurants closed. Not even the US$1.2 million Russian purchase of free food coupons sent anonymously to dissidents outside of Russia has helped the company recover its initial luster. Critics of the food industry speak about Chipotle's hubris in touting its quality and standards over others[22], but since no executive there speaks Greek or has had any classical studies, the concept currently remains beyond their understanding.
Footnotes
- ↑ if you consider 273 human stockholders and 1.3 billion Illuminati stockholders public
- ↑ casual on both sides of the counter
- ↑ for some reason
- ↑ both the disease and the band's music
- ↑ St. Porcus of Parma, now known as Porky Pig
- ↑ And Greedo shot first.
- ↑ fortune teller
- ↑ later to become CFO and Werewolf-in-Chief for the company
- ↑ No shit, Sherlock.
- ↑ read: redneck
- ↑ nu ma nu ma iei
- ↑ Indian burial grounds, in case you forgot
- ↑ Okay, okay, aluminium
- ↑ Of course, this is always assembled by Mexican staff, who always make a beeline to the nearest McDonald's for their own meals.
- ↑ that, and electric cattle prods.
- ↑ except for Hispanic employees who had been chained to their stations the previous day
- ↑ This is generally true of fast food places.
- ↑ i.e., normal behavior
- ↑ lovely Spam, wonderful Spam!
- ↑ on Pirate Bay
- ↑ with its 2500 lb. (1200 kg.) battery and video pack
- ↑ in your face, Grandmas of the world!