Delta Goodrem
Delta Goodrum is the unfortunate living proof that in Australia, if they suck up to the media hard enough, any talentless bag of shit can become the media's "Golden Girl". Delta Goodrum started off as another soon-to-be-forgotten actor on a drama-orientated television show that would have been put out of its misery back in the 1980s when someone actually cared what was in syndication. Then she decided that because there were probably 10 to 20 12 year olds at this point that might recognize her from the show she was on, this was a good time to attempt a switch to a music career. Delta released her first album, "Using what little fame I have to try and break into the music biz", not long after. It sold 12 copies. Delta was told to "get fucked" by the record company, saying there is no way this kind of shit could be marketable, unless she one day gained enough media attention that they could market even sounds of Delta's ass squirting diarrhoea into the microphone. She took them at their word, and that is exactly what happened. She can now be found on the Australian version of "The Voice" as one of the 3 judges who wouldn't know what real talent was if it rented space up their arse.
How a talentless hack becomes a media star[edit]
"GOOD ON YA SON" to whoever threw that turd. You could have put your arm out or strained a muscle doing that! So, THANKS for being a true blue AUSSIE BATTLER and a HERO TO THE NATION; thanks for being a REAL fucking Australian and just doing what is right, no matter the risks that are taken to do so! You're a fucking champion, and fuck whatever Tracy Grimshaw thinks about it.
After Delta's first album went down the toilet and fell into the category of semi-celebrities who think they can get extra money by claiming they can sing, her dreams of being a major "Rock star" fell apart, forcing her to pack away the "Sing Star" equipment back into its box and spend the next few months sitting around pouting that her video-game-induced fantasy was destroyed... a state in which in a fair world, it would have remained. Especially since this cunt's highest score was "30,000" points, and that is on beginner, and using auto-tune.
Delta then had to try and figure out another way to make money without actually doing anything. She came up with an idea to try and create for herself the worlds longest nipples. She had attached a penis pump to her tit and was jumping up and down on the pump handle, when her nipples reached maximum length and one of them popped. She rushed down to the hospital and none of the Doctor's could not work out what the hell she had done to herself? Delta laid on the emergency room theater in uncontrollable pain, but she was still trying to blurt out, "CALL GUINNESS".
In a convenient twist, a reporter happened to be on the scene. While waiting to interview a man in intensive care who might be able to explain why it was not his alcohol level reading of 18.3 that caused the effect of his car hitting a curb at high speed and bouncing off 12 parked cars, killing 19 children in a day care group, the reporter noticed Delta was in the bed next to that person. Having nothing better to do, she asked the ex-semi-celebrity-no-talent-bimbo why she was admitted in the hospital? Delta was too embarrassed to admit the truth that her nipple exploded due to over pumping it with a male penile enhancement device, so she told the reporter instead, "I have boobie cancer, wanna see it?"
This was all it took for Delta's story to be rammed down the throat of every fucking Australian watching TV or reading Newspapersat the time. Headlines read things like; "Poor Delta", "Good luck Delta", "Australia is rooting for you, Delta" instead of more logical headlines like, "Who the fuck is Delta?", "What kind of stupid name is Delta?" & "Dumb Bitch Blows Her Tit Off". It wasn't long before the typical sickening words of the Australian media began to use words like "Our Delta" & "Aussie Battler" and sentences ending in "Good On Ya Delta". Once that sort of shit talk starts, especially with sentence formation that makes the average Australian wanna puke and punch a puppy comes along, it is obvious the little cunt has become the media's little darling princess, and she will be forced in your face, no matter if you like it or not. Only morons who listen to Justin Beiber sing and like to read about what dress he will wear to his next Tupperware party are stupid enough to buy into this sort of thing and make her arse famous, instead of taking a step back and wondering how someone contracts breast cancer when she has no breasts to form cancer with in the first place?
Oh, Shit. Here we go with another fucking Nicole[edit]
Delta was now an official "media princess", part of the club reserved for the media to pay as much attention to as possible, while the real people of the world continue their day to day lives not giving a shit. It was already bad enough that reporters where calling Nicole Kidman the latest "Aussie Battler" for surviving her divorce to Tom Cruise, but now Australia had to put up with hearing about this fucking Delta thing. Even though the truth behind the matter was there was possibly a one in a bafuckingjillion chance she would not pull through the operation to sew her tit back up, it did not stop the media from melodramatically reporting on the story each day, like someone might actually think, "Oh, it's better to care about this bitch I don't know instead of worrying about my actual family who really are dying of incurable diseases, but the media couldn't give a flying fuck about them, because they haven't been seen on TV before."
Once Delta was out of hospital with a bandaid on her tit, she was greeted by the tears of joyful fans; with smiles and tears because they would become the fan of a turd in a cape if it was shown on Australian Television. Delta was now a national hero for doing what millions of other people have done before. She even officially stopped being referred to by her second name, and just referred to as "Delta"... just like "Our Nicole", "Our Kathy" etc, like they are the only fucking person to have ever existed who is known by that name. However Delta can keep Delta on it's own, as no parent in the world would be fucked up enough in the brain to name their child "Delta" anyway.
Of coarse, this kind of media exposure would guarantee that Delta Goodrum's next album release would go platinum. Real music lovers where already puking when reports wasted their time with headlines saying, "Delta Goodrum's album is #1, even though it hasn't even been recorded yet". The album came out and yes, it did go to #1 and contained such classics hits as... ummm... hmmmm... errrr...why can't we name any? If an album goes to #1, shouldn't we be able to name the hit song's? Hell, why can't we even remember the title of the album? Was it "We can see through those pretend innocent eyes that my album went #1 because I deflated what little tit I already had"? or was it "Another pile of crap for 2001"? I dunno, Google is your friend, but why waste Google's time on finding exact facts for that piece of shit?
Hating Delta Goodrum[edit]
After all this undeserved media attention, it was not long before the unavoidable tragedy would be cast upon Australians; that's right, Delta was given the lead role in a movie. The movie was given a good name, "Hating Delta Goodrum," but did not fulfill the wider audience's desire to see her get killed in the movie. Unfortunately, it just contains a done-to-death plot of a girl who is jealous of the more popular girl, but by the end of the movie they become the best of friends forever. The movie was given 5 of 5 stars by the media, since Delta could just as soon be filmed scratching her arse and sniffing resulting in a bunch of stupid fucks would want to bottle the smell, clone and release it as a fragrance called "Delta #5," sold for $289.95 a bottle exclusively at MYER until they realized they produced 6 million bottles nobody wants and end up shipping them off to collect dust at the Reject Shop for $1.99 a bottle.
The rest of Australia deemed the movie "Not worth shitting on".
The real Australian viewers said the movie was like watching a bad episode of "Skippy The Bush Kangraroo" with no god damn Kangaroo in it. The acting was as bad as "Prisoner", the script was written by baboons, and the actors' tits where too flat to even gain semi-interest from teenage boys who would flock to such a movie had it had boobs, because not being old enough to buy porno magazines, their mum also installed "net-nanny," and SBS was showing South Park that night, so no world-class cinema screening of "Le Cannot Understand Ze Movie, But Contain Nudity for Le Pervert" was not available.
Delta India Echo[edit]
Delta: "I caught it from sleeping with Rove McManus
Delta's career as a musician quickly died. Her first 15 minutes of fame ended, and Australia's media whores moved onto the next big thing that the average person couldn't care less about. Delta then struggled to keep her flat chest on TV and was seen hosting such shows as "Get-a-Way," which unfortunately is not a double entedre. Some fuckwit gace her money to go Holiday around the world and smile into the camera crapping on about how lovely Hawaii is, and that you should go there if you could afford to have someone hand you $33,000 to stay at this Hawaiian Hilton. This has the effect of causing most Australians seeing this to roll their eyes and scream, "FUCKIN' DERR", then change the channel.
At least for now Delta was not being slammed down the throat of everyone where you are supposed to be forced to give a shit about someone. However, if you where one of the 12 teeny-boppers in the country who still gave a shit what Delta was up to these days, you could find her in an article in some teeny-bopper magazine where Delta was asked the important questions of life, such as "Do you prefer the toilet-paper to hang to the inside or outside of the wall?" & "What was it like kissing the medias arse the latest famous cute boy that has not reached puberty yet?"
Delta tried to release another album, titled "Delta has her fingers crossed you will still fork over your money to hear this shit" but by this time Australia did not care about her anymore. She thought to herself she might need to try and go for a vaginal cancer this time, but instead was approached by Channel 9 to become a judge on a new TV show where she could give advice on how to achieve 15 minutes of fame for all future 15 minutes of fame wannabes.
Wont this cunt ever just fuck off and leave the good and decent citizens of Oz alone?
Delta Just Wont Fuck Off[edit]
Channel 9 Australia decided to rip off "American Idol" by changing the conditions to where the judges are the mentor of the victims of future 15 minutes of fame stardom. "The Voice", which is a reference to the #1 most overplayed song on Australian radio, "You're The Voice" by John Farnham is not worthy of the title, as even John Farnham himself refused to be a part of this god-awful shit show that Channel 9 had come up with to ram down peoples throats as some form of spastic entertainment for the retarded.
The show has 4 judges on the panel.
- Seal that guy who wrote "Pissing In A Rose Garden" a million years ago and looks like a heard of porcupines gang-raped his face, or as most people say, he looks like a black wet testicle that is all shriveled up, kind of resembling Clint Eastwoods current look if he burned his face. Let's face it, no one in Australia knew who the hell he was until someone got around to saying, "Remember that old shitty song" yeah, so this 15 minute of fame prick is going to judge these people on how to make it in the music industry. At least Delta wont be the only one.
- A guy who no one in Australia actually knows the name of, but refer to him as "That guy who married that overrated cunt Nicole Kidman".
- Some fag from a punk band who thinks he is the shit, unaware that "punk" bands consist of 0.00% talent.
- Ricky Martin. No need to write anything here, it speaks for itself.
And of course, without the need of a drum roll, as no surprise, the dull and boring 4th judge, Delta.
Delta has now realized she is just an Australian media whore who Australia has no musical respect for, and that she is an overrated hack. Australia could not stop laughing for a whole fortnight when each contestant on the beginning of The Voice avoided choosing to be on Delta's team. Such hilarity had not been seen on TV since Danni Minogue was announced to be a judge on "Australia's Got Talent". Just like Danni, no one in Australia can even name a single Delta Goodrem song, so it was hilarious as all fuck to see Delta sitting around pouting on live T.V that even unknown talentless hacks want nothing to do with her. Man, it was so funny. Even funnier than when Danni Minouge said she wanted to record a song with AC/DC. Of fuck, that is hilarious that these morons expose their fantasies with the public like that.
During the time of the first 3 airings of The Voice, Australian dry cleaning bills reached an all-time high. Chinese laundromats and Koreandry-cleaning services made over $74.9 billion dollars between the 15th of April to the 2nd of May! Never had their been so many pissed pants needing to be cleaned from laughing so hard in Australian history! Guinness World Records stated that the event had 12.8 million more urine related soaked undies then that time when that whore intern said she kept the semen stained dress when she blew her boss in the Oral Office
Delta can now be seen still making people laugh or be disgusted at her comments she gives singing contestants about what they should do to improve their voice. Delta avoids the truth and says things like "You need more confidence", "You need more stage presence" or "You don't have what it takes" instead of the real things that got her started like, "Try claiming you have disease and milk it to the media", Date one of these judge panelists in series one and leak it to the media or fuck the ugliest guy you can find which relates back to the previous just said.
