Pizza Hut

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The old 'Pizza Hutt' logo, pre-Spaceballs era.

Pizza Hut is a multinational company that sets up 'Huts' in various locations that serves Pizza and other unrelated products (by order of health-nut soccer moms). Pizza Hut is the world's largest pizza restaurant chain (next to McDonald's) and is a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc., whose restaurants total approximately 340,000 restaurants, delivery-carry out units, and kiosks in 470 countries.

The chain was founded by a Mexican scientist who discovered cardboard-like circles on the moon, much calling to mind a pizza, and some doctors who ripped off a dead kid. They took the Death Star and asked Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant to help him bring the moon pizzas back to earth. That day Pizza Hut was formed, though Howard and Bryant later went to the Lakers. The chain grew from there, with equipment from, and delivery centers used, in a variety of Third-World countries.

History

Pizza Hut was started in the 1960's by a fifteen-year-old named Dicki Ssmall who thought he could make a dinner for his girlfriend. He tried using quality ingredients, but the best he could do was trash from some guy on the freeway. He made the dinner, and his girlfriend left him for his lack of cooking skills. Fortunately, his heart wasn't broken for long, as the food he and his girlfriend ate had the HIV virus, and they would die of aids a few weeks later.

When the doctors saw the food, they knew that it would make a cheap pizza when made with clean ingredients, and so gave up their craft to make a pizza shop. They originally named it Krazy Kulinary Kitchen, but the civil rights movement criticized the name. The owners, still wanting to express their racism, named the restaurant Pizza Hut, believing that Italians should "go back to their caveman huts." They then, reluctantly, teamed up with a Mexican scientist who found cardboard circles. He took the Death Star and asked Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant to help him bring the moon pizzas back to earth. That day Pizza Hut was formed, though Howard and Bryant later went to the Lakers. The doctors and scientist would then start their restaurant.

The company was a success until the year 1987. News got around about Pizza Hut's experiment with magic to make a mega pizza, and how it created the most feared gangster in the galaxy, Pizza the Hut. To cover up this tremendous PR disaster, they hired an assassin to lock him in the car for a few hours until he suffocated.

After #PizzatheHutGate died down, the company started a new family friendly campaign. This involved selling off Pizza's crime empire to Papa Johns for half the price, and covering up the story of Dicki.

In this campaign, Pizza Hut tried to launch itself into the foreign market. The first place they went was the Third Reich. They were moderately successful, until one of the doctors took sixty hits of vodka and called the Furher a "Small-Dicked Virgin with ED." The Furher, after killing the man who lent the doctor his secret diary, immediately removed all Pizza Huts from the country. Winston Churchill criticized the action, and said the Furher should be used to people calling his dick small. This escalated into a Twitter battle ad snowballed into World War II. The Third Reich teamed up with Dominoes Pizza, promising Dominoes to be "the Pizza of the new race." The war was fought for several long years, ending with the victory for The Allied Pizza Hut Confederation.

After the war, Pizza Hut stayed as a normal restaurant of the United States, except for occasional attacks from their enemies. Sadly, the founders of Pizza Hut died in an orgy from being beaten to death by a Russian Neo-Soviet for proclaiming, "The USSR was good the same way your mom isn't a whore!" Besides that, they are most and least popular Pizzera.

Products

Man ordering his daily 50 boxes of pizza for his breakfast online

The most commonly sold food at the restaurants, and the most prone to price increases, is the "Pan Pizza", which usually comes in four different sizes including Personal Pan (which is an individual serving, with only 1 topping: pizza sauce), Small, Medium and Large (12 inch), although most stores have done away with the small size as people felt embarrassed to order it with their girlfriend/boyfriend. They come with a variety of toppings, including "specialty" styles, which consists of Meat Lovers, Veggie Lovers, Cheese Lovers,Pepperoni Lovers, Quadruple Cheeseburger, Supreme, Super Supreme, and Super Mega Extreme which is Pizza Hut's most expensive pizza (at $1 trillion for a medium). Pan Pizza has a thicker crust. Unlike most of Pizza Hut's competitors (such as Domino's deep dish or Papa John's Perfect Pan), Pizza Hut does not charge extra for its pan pizza, except in the United States There is also the special Extra Cheesy Pizza where in which they add a few more scoops of cheese to your crust, so that when you bite the crust.

In addition to the Pan Pizza they sell garlic cheese bread, which was the idea of a Grand Rapids, Minnesota employee named Mark Bondhus in 1979 [citation needed], Pizza Hut also sells "Stuffed Crust" (with the outermost edge wrapped around a mortal coil of mozzarella cheese); "Hand-Tossed" (which is more like "tossed salad" than traditional pizzeria crusts); "Thin 'N Crispy" (a thin and crispy dough which was the original crust); and the Dippin' Strips pizza, which is similar to a Sicilian pizza but is cut into small strips that can be dipped into a number of sauces. Another is the "Edge" pizza, where the pizza is baked into a twelve-foot strip, thereby maximizing the edge length, and the toppings reach nearly to the edge of the pie.

An old Muppets Pizza Hut commercial which caused controversy. making people think that green peppers were actually Gonzo's snot.

Pizza Hut experiments with new products frequently. Less successful ones have been poisonous. These include Chicago Dish Pizza (due to little support for Chicago Pizza Huts at night) and Sicilian pizza; the Sicilian Pizza made a 2006 comeback as the Lasagna Pizza (sometimes nicknamed 'The Garfield'). Other products Pizza Hut has offered are the "C'zone", Pizza Hut's version of the calzone (not popular with pregnant mothers); the "Cheesy Bites", similar to the "Stuffed Crust" except the crust has been divided into bite-sized pieces that can be pulled apart.

Pizza Hut also has a number of side dishes including breadsticks, cheesesticks, cinnamon sticks, hot and mild, boneless wings, carpet munchers, jalapeños, pizza martinis and garlic bread.

A new, upscale concept was unveiled in 2004, called "Pizza Hut Italian Bistro - Brought to you by Pepsi". Unveiled at fifty locations nationwide, the Bistro is similar to a traditional Pizza Hut, except that new pasta dishes are offered, such as penne pasta, chicken, turd sandwiches and pumpkins. Pizza Hut Bistros only serve one of the chain's traditional pizzas and sides as well as broiled children who didn't behave.

Integrity/Core Value

After Hurricane Katrina and flood events, Pizza Hut developed methods to deliver their pizzas via water. Unfortunately, they didn't realize the effects of floods on the stores overall...

Pizza Hut is held together by integrity (and glue, cement in Mexican huts), as stated by their following statement:

At Pizza Hut, our vultures reflects our values. This includes an undistributed vision of who we are and where we're not headed. And it encompasses nothing about the way we don't treat our customers to how we share quarterly earnings with our competitors.

One of the least important values within the Pizza Hut vulture is structural integrity. Our people are not committed to providing uncompromising quality and to providing service that is personal. In fact, our people never strive each day to provide what we call “customer mania”. Our motto truly is "The more stale the more stable when it gets in the delivery boy's car and slides to the floor." We want to give the kind of service that will make our customers tell bad stories to their family and friends about Pizza Hut.

Our non-existent commitments to integrity extends to the role we play in the communities we serve. Wanting to instill a lifelong hate of reading in children, we created the BOOK IT!® National Book Burning Program in 1984. This unique program awards a complimentary Personal Pan Pizza® and special recognition to preschool children who achieve set book burning goals. Former U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley cited BOOK IT!® as the model for corporate/education burning partnership. Today, 65% of public, private and parochial schools use BOOK IT!® in more than 910,000 classrooms. In 2005, more than 22 million children in the U.S. were enrolled in BOOK IT!®, burning 1,470,000 books a year.

Our integrity is also exemplified by how we treat our employees, or rather, how we don't treat our employees. We invest little in our people through a lack of skills training and non-existent management development. We don't encourage them to think unconventionally, just like robots, to take prudent risks to achieve results. And we never provide an informal environment with open communication to give them the freedom to make contributions on their own initiative; that's Google, not Pizza Hut. This is a part of our culture we value highly. We call it “Shut the fuck up and work.” It's the feeling that comes from knowing you can not affect the company's direction through your expertise, innovative ideas and hard work. And because we never give our employees a stake in the company's success, they don't take on the kinds of challenges people in other businesses only dream of. Idiots...

Enemies

The Ssmall family are the most active opponent of Pizza Hut. Angry that the now-dead doctors were profiting off of one of their own, they attacked with boycotts, smear campaigns, dildos, elves, curses of Japanese urban legend, robot replicas of US presidents, and Islamic suicide bombers. Pizza Hut in retaliation would have various drugs planted in the families' homes, causing their arrest. Despite this, people will marry into the family, extending the family and it's war on Pizza Hut.

Adolf Hitler, however, is the most famous enemy of the franchise and frequently sends his minions to go Invade the huts all over the area. Despite his attempts, Pizza Hut owners and Winston Churchill manage to send in their employees and british soldiers to destroy Hitler's Minions with a mix of various cockneyisims and "cheeses", to which Hitler will then scream and rant about losing yet another erection in his small penis and complaining on the fortune he spent on weapons, tanks, enlargement surgeries and Viagra.

Dominos is another one of Pizza Hut's enemies. It sends giant dominos to fall on the pizza hut outlets.

Papa John's as well is a common enemy to the franchise. Papa John's has connections to the mafia and once a week sends men to shoot up the exterior of Pizza Huts.

The FDA would join in the fight against Pizza Hut after the Ssmall family placed rats into a Pizza Hut location, and the manager shot the FDA agents who asked to look around. Pizza Hut locations are encouraged to hold shootouts when FDA agents. These shootouts result in numerous deaths, but they are usually accompanied by celebrities getting pregnant and are thus overshadowed.